Taking Some Time Off

Mental note to self-take care of yourself so you are available to help those who are counting on you. That's only 4 kids and one husband for me. Writing that here somehow enforces the thought and might help me accomplish it. Friday is the last day of school before a glorious 2 week(well deserved, very needed) break. Today S will help me make gingerbread men for her class party on Friday. Christmas music is playing and last minute chores are getting done in preparation for some relaxing family time. The week between Christmas and the New Year will be spent planning how to get our therapy accomplished and FINISHED by the end of the school year. That includes getting my 15 year old to do her vision therapy done too. I could complain, but I have no right. I am happy I still have all 4 of my children alive and well.

More Therapy, When Will It End?

We went back to the speech therapist for help with eating. We will work on improving muscle strength in the jaw and the lips. We are also working on mobility of the tongue. The other day, S was eating chocolate chips(her reward). She put a couple in her mouth while tipping her head back. I noticed something different, worried that she was choking. I asked her if she was okay and she nodded her head yes. I think she even spoke. She reached for a glass of water, and i asked if she was okay again. As she reached for the water, her body sort of quivered, like when you suddenly get a chill. She drank some water and she was fine. I think it went far back in her mouth and she couldn't get it forward with her tongue. After it was over, she admitted that she was choking, or at least on the verge. This has always been my biggest fear. It is more real than ever because I was ready to have my daughter dial 911 for myself the other day. Choking is the scariest thing. So I am glad we are seeking therapy to finally have a chance of her eating more foods. I am really feeling depressed though, because we have this daily therapy, along with our vision therapy which we have NOT started yet(guilt, guilt, guilt) and our NR. I am glad we had this little break, because I needed a time to feel normal. All that has been going on in school has been more than I can handle. This week seems a little better. I have made it a point to let S do whatever she wants when she comes home from school to unwind. Therapy is the last thing we want to have to do after a stressful day at school. Maybe we be done with therapy by the end of THIS school year. I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I want things to improve. Someday...

From Bad to Worse, What's With This?

I had a parent conference for report cards yesterday. That was the good part of it all. We have had horrible problems with bullying, it is constant and daily. One child is the ringleader and the rest afraid to break away. I can't say as I blame them. I have seen this child in action and she isn't even afraid of adults. I realizr she has something big going on, and she has to go to school somewhere, but I have to also protect my child above all. This has so clouded everything else that I have forgotten that we ever had any issues other than this one. I told them that everything else pales in comparison, and that I didn't see anything else worth discussing at that point. I really can't believe this is happening. I don't know how long to let things resolve, I know they are trying different ways of dealing with this problem. I guess I will keep on them and see how it goes.

Remembering.....

I was just reading through an email from a yahoo group I'm on and I was reminded of something. The email was talking about how siblings are affected when you have a child with RAD or some other issue. I remember my kids asking me, "Do you think she'll ever be okay?" I would always answer them, I think so, but there is really no way of knowing. I would follow up with telling them that we are doing everything we can to make sure she gets all the help she needs. It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart everytime anyone mentioned there could be anything wrong. There was a long period of time when I was so worried about the future. I can't tell you how nice it was to be able to tell the pediatrician and Bette that we really had no concerns other than eating. Even that is managable. I still need to micromanage at school, but I am not really what you would call 'worried'. I have a child with incredible self control. Amazing accomplishment-especially since impulse control was at the top of my list for Bette for so long. We have all been through a lot, but we are all better people on the other side.

Re-eval Update

I was ready to call it quits, especially since we haven't done any NR since May. Bette didn't give us the official release, and I accepted it. She gave us some simple exercises that will hopefully accelerate her vision therapy. We agreed to do it along with our vision exercises. I am about to admit something very revealing. I had this realization the other day after my appt with Bette, and what a testimony to NR it is. I have been very compliant with everything we've been prescribed by Bette, EXCEPT- the two things she still identified as deficits. Bette was surprised what we have done didn't correct her eyes. Vestibular exercises are the most important for that. They are also the easiest. Guess who though we could just get by with normal everyday vestibular as being adequate? I never concentrated on them or did them regularly. The other area where we aren't 100% is proprioceptive. S is still a little 'off' with knowing where she was touched when her eyes are closed. Again, the only other area I neglected, thinking everyday contact was enough. I have to fess up to Bette. I feel horrible, I failed again! The good news is that we have done enough work that we could stop if we needed to. Bette is the perfectionist I seldom have the energy for anymore. I used to be one, but my kids successfully remedied that. She knows we can get it perfectly and wants us to persevere. I will do it, I just wish I realized the importance of doing it when I was supposed to. I thought it was 'extra' work that could only make things better. We saw a SLP for feeding and it went really well. S allowed a foreign object far back in her mouth. The SLP actually listened to me and did what I asked of her. She saw the results of trusting me and was encouraged. I don't think she has ever worked with anyone quite like S. No surprise there, no one else has either! She has a plan and it sounds like we can make a lot of progress. I am encouraged and overwhelmed. I have gone to no mail on the NN group, I can't handle the garbage and childishness. I wish someone would just tell the emperor he has no clothes! It's obvious it has nothing to do with the AD policy, why are they perpetuating it? Most of the moms on there are way to smart to believe what they are trying to pass off an an excuse. I have better uses of my time, so I will not be on that group anymore.

It's Working

Our electronics control is working, she is allowed about 10-15 minutes/day and is absolutely fine with it. We had another incident at school, this time it was reported to us by the teacher. They promise they are ontop of things, but that is all they are sharing with me at this point. I want to trust them, but I would also like a detailed explanation of the plan they have in place. Not only does my child need to know she is safe, I need to know she is safe. She is too vulnerable to be put in this position. She cannot be a victim again. School should be a safe place. I can't write anymore right now, I have just convinced myself by putting this in front of my own eyes that I need to email the school. I cannot wait for something else to happen. UPDATE- I emailed and got a response. We should meet next week to discuss a plan. I know they are dealing with much bigger issues with the problem children, but that shouldn't mean that my child should be ignored.

Evil Electronics

Electronics have been temporarily banned in my house, at least for our youngest family member. It seems like a bit of an obsession was developing. I'm not sure if it was an outlet for the stress or it was because of the stress or it was causing some stress. I think it may have been a combination of all three. Sunday was the first time ever that S didn't go to church with me. She had to end her game on the Ipad and she was in a funk. That didn't end with the 3 minute car ride to church. I had to call my husband to come pick her up. She apparently sat by herself for a while when she got home, and then was okay. I told her she could earn it back on Monday for a short, timed amount. She was good all day, but mentioned getting the Ipad back several times. I finally let her finish the game she had to stop on Sunday, figuring that unfinished business was more than she could handle. She did just that and was fine with giving it up. She had it maybe a total of 10 minutes. It would have been shorter, but her big sister bumped her accidently and made her lose the game. I allowed one game. She will be home from school soon, and I'm sure that will be the first thing out of her mouth. I think I will give her a limited amount again and see how it goes. I am getting close to needing to call our attachment therapist. I don't know if consistent theraputic parenting will help her through this with time or I need to change something. I really sense some anger and that is very upsetting for me to see. I know it's probably good that she is allowing it to come out, but is she allowing it to come out or is that who she is becoming? Maybe no one can answer that. I miss the 99.9% happy girl who hadn't a care in the world. Apparently she did, she could never express it or should I say-allow herself to express it. Some say that she is finally feeling safe enough to be able to let it come out. I think I'm afraid I won't be able to do enough to help her through it. I think I am in fear of failure. Up until now, I have searched the world for the proper people to help her and have been successful. As hard as the other stuff was, I never imagined this would be harder. She said something yesterday that worried me. She fell on the playground and got two huge scrapes on her knees. First she said she didn't cry, then she said she was afraid the kids would call her a baby. Then she changed her story and said that is what really happened. I emailed the teacher to ask what actually happened. She had to hear someone, somewhere, call another child a baby. She is really picking up on all of the social aspect. On one hand it is good, on the other, she is seeing and hearing the worst of it. I don't want her to become bitter, defensive and angry because she is exposed to mean kids. Unfortunately, they are everywhere. Keeping her isolated is not the answer, although if it was, I would do it in a heartbeat. This is going to be one, long ride..... I'm still convinced that S will come out of this a bold, confident and motivated young lady. I'm not sure how I'll hold up, but I gladly accept my role and will never stop fighting for her, my other kids, and all children in need.

The week in review

We have had better weeks. I will try to find the good in all of this, although it will be difficult. This week has been the worst since school began. I had lunch with S twice this week, and I was able to see quite a lot of the class in action, both at lunch and at recess afterwords. When they told me last year that it was a lively group that would be in kindergarten this year, they weren't kidding. Unfortunately, there are many behavior problems in the class. It appears from what I was told, that notifying the parents has little effect. Oh no, that is not good. S had her feelings hurt this week, or at least it came out this week. They made fun of her writing or artwork, and she said it was everyone. It was started by one girl, and I don't know if many joined in or she just felt like they did. I felt so sad for her, she was so devastated. I think everyday has her on sensory overload. I'm not sure what to do at this point. The teacher was notified and took quick action. I hope they handle it well. When the entire class is reprimanded, I'm sure S feels like they are talking to her. It hurts her to see others yelled at, she is afraid at what might come next. They seem to use some harsh words, they certainly don't sugar coat things. I honestly like this approach because the soft approach never reaches the kids it is supposed to. We've had two horrible firday's in a row, I'm going to make sure we have an early bedtime tonight, especially since she was up at 4:30 this morning!!!! That NEVER happens. I get the feeling that she wanted to get up early because she wanted to just get the day over with early. I will try to talk a little more today, hopefully she will tell me more.

Getting Sooo Worn Out

I think I just have too much going on right now, I'm starting to be discouraged. S admitted something profound this weekend. Her big sister was home from college and it brought out some negative behavior. She admitted to me during her breakdown that she would rather not have her sister home at all because it was too hard for her to see her leave. She said she didn't want to let her love in her heart. It was a big revelation, but really hard for me. She has every right to feel this way. She is just a little girl, and she has had constant loss in her life, some temporary and some permanent. Ever since she remembers, her daddy leaves for days at a time. (he travels with work). 2 years after joining our family, her oldest sister goes to college. 2 years later, her other sister goes to college. In another 3 years, her other sister goes to college. Hopefully she'll be old enough to understand more. The death of our dog was devastating for her. She said she is only going to let my love in. Who can blame her for feeling that way? I'm the only family member who has been consistent. S is still coughing, it's been waking her up at night. It seems like it's going away on it's own, so I am going to wait to go to the doctor. It was rough getting back to school after a 4 day weekend. I just wasn't ready. We still haven't started our vision therapy, I feel like such a loser not being able to get that accomplished.

Two Days Off From School

We are enjoying two days off from school, although S is still coughing. she feels fine though. Yesterday, we watched Tarzan together. I really don't like that every Disney movie has violence and an orphaned child as the predominant theme. It gave us an opportunity to talk about the differences in her own family. She has recently been talking a lot about her skin color and why it is darker than ours. I try to point out that none of us within the family have the exact same color. She is not one to be conviced easily. She says she wants to bleach her hair blonde when she gets older and have blue contacts so she can be like us. I have read enough to know that this happens frequently in trans-racial adoptions. I thought I could provide enough love and security that this would not be a big issue, especially at this age. It's one of the many areas of adoption that I was a bit in denial about. Not exactly denial, but I didn't realize that it would happen this young and to this degree. When I said something about growing in another mommy's tummy, she said, "No, I grew in your tummy!" Oh how I wanted that to be true for her, it broke my heart.

Sidelined By Sickness

Today is day three of a stomach virus. On Friday, I went to the car ahead of her to put her backpack in. I walked back in to find her standing still in a pool of vomit. The poor baby, apparently she had been calling out to me but I didn't hear since I was outside. I was away from her no more than 30 seconds. I don't know if she called out to me before or after it happened. She stayed home from school but felt fine the rest of the day. She had about a 99 degree fever the entire day. The next day she was hungry, waking me up before the sun. She must have eaten too much too soon because she didn't keep it down. I got her to the bathroom in time, but she stood straight up so it missed the target a couple of times. Oh well, clean up of body fluids is part of being a mother. I think she thought by keeping her mouth shut, she could stop it from happening, but it just made the exit when she opened her mouth more explosive. She hovered around 100 degrees this day, and I gave her some Advil. She didn't do much at all, she felt worse than the day before. Today she woke up early, but not as early. I gave her a small amount of food at first. She fell back asleep for a couple of hours and was very perky. I thought it was the end. I gave her more to eat and things were fine. We got ready for church and she was eating some more. I took her temperature and it was a little over 100. I decided that I couldn't contaminate the congregation, so we are home. I am very disappointed. We have Chinese class today, I think that is a no go too. Hopefully I will get some work done today. I am also hoping that today is the last day of this illness so she can go to school tomorrow. She is very upset at missing school. Next week is only a 3 day week anyway. 4 weeks until our last NR re-eval. I am going to continue to update here, because it is important to document the changes after the NR work. NR promises to make the changes it is capable of making, but it doesn't mean that your child will be 100%. It means their potential is at 100%, but there could still be learning disabilities, etc. I don't know what this school year will bring, but I do know we will be prepared. Now that we have completed NR, I know what we have to work with and that I have done all that I can to have her reach her true potential. It feels so good to have it behind us. If you have read this from the beginning, you will know the gravity of what I am about to write. I told S that this time would be the last time we are going to see Bette and she replied, "I want to keep going back to see her and get more exercises!" If you had told me early on that i would be writing that I would have told you that you were crazy. Now that is an accomplishment.

Good News

I had a meeting on Monday with the resource teacher. She is new to the school, and was very nice. I gave her a brief history, and she didn't look at me like I had three heads. I can usually tell when they are just agreeing with me, I did not get this feeling from her. She anticipated my needs and offered suggestions before I asked. She seemed compassionate and understanding and knowledgeable about trauma and it's impact. I am amazed to see that they may have put things in place. I explained to her that S will think punishment for other kids is for her. The person I met with said that she will tell the teacher to point out when she is being good and make her the role model. Today she came home with a little paper that said she did a great job in Math today. Apparently she and another girl were also rewarded for being really good during nap time. I am hopeful about the future. Mistakes will happen, but at least we will avoid the known problems. I emailed the teacher asking for a meeting on Friday and didn't hear back, so I sent a note in today. She made a meeting time next week. We go for our final eval next month!

What a Week!

I has been a rough week. A series of little mishaps happened and it all blew up Friday night. We had a mini 'rage' which as usual, was very difficult to endure. The odd thing is that it sort of continued the next day in the form of negativity. The good thing is that she is able to verbalize her emotions quite well. The biggest thing is her fear of loss. She would rather have everything and everyone in her life gone rather that have us and fear losing us. It is better to have nothing at all. She even went so far as to say she just wanted to go back to live in China. I think it's all too good and she just can't bear the thought of losing it. I really can understand it. I think we can all relate a little bit to this. Haven't we all felt like it was a dream when we had everything going great in our lives and we were afraid we would wake up and it wasn't a reality. Everyone has a fear of loss, but not to this extreme. I wish there was some magical way of taking all of her fear and pain away.

I have a meeting with the school tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect, I hope I am prepared. They seem open to more than one meeting, it's not like the public school. I hope I can present it in a way they will understand. Today is a busy day that is unavoidable. if we can just get into bed early tonight, it will all be okay.

Tooth Fairy

Someone woke up so excited that the tooth fairy has visited last night. She went to bed very late last night, so I thought she would be sluggish. She was so incredibly excited and full of energy.

Yesterday, I asked her to watch the video of her adoption and she said she didn't want to. She said there were 'sad' parts. She didn't answer me what the sad parts were. She understands that she got 'a new mommy and daddy' that day. Yes, there were some sad parts indeed...

Teeth

Well, to commemorate the 5th anniversary of her adoption(coincidently), S lost her front tooth today! Just when I was writing about how fast they come out, it just fell out today. The other two are only a week or two away, how exciting. She was upset that there was a little blood, but then exclaimed, "The tooth fairy is coming tonight!"

Habits

I forgot to mention the throat clearing habit has vanished. It happened either right before or right after school started. However, it has been replaced by a sniffing habit. She also has a really loose front tooth, of which she cannot wiggle using her tongue. I sort of feel like a neglectful parent because I have never taken her anywhere to have her limited tongue movement treated. It's not like we haven't been treating a million other things. Her speech is as clear as an adult, so it is not affecting her speech. She can eat enough to grow, so it's not affecting her health. But, it is something she should be able to do, it could be the reason she is not able to eat certain foods. I got a referral from the pediatrician just a couple of days ago for a speech therapist that can work on feeding. I have hesitated to make this move because food and her mouth is such a sensitive area and I don't want her to be re-traumatized. I also found out it is not covered by insurance. I can't afford $400/month, that's what it will cost for 1x/week. I told my husband, I'm not going to pay that to watch them blow bubbles with her. I may go for an eval to see what I can find out.

I have never seen a child lose teeth as fast as her. The first 2 got wiggly and were out 2 days later. I know they weren't at all loose before then because I brush her teeth. This top one is taking a little longer, but I don't think it's been a week yet and it's almost dangling. The good thing is that it doesn't seem to bother her. The 2 adjacent teeth to that one are also getting loose, so she could have 3 missing on top. Maybe it's a good thing she can't reach it with her tongue, she's constantly be feeling the huge gap with it. I am excited for Halloween. When her older sister was around this age, she had lost teeth this time of year. I carved her pumpkin to match her missing teeth. I am so excited to do this for S. It looks like the timing of her tooth loss with cooperate.

We haven't been to the dentist yet, she just isn't ready. But, I had an idea and I think it's going to work. I asked my hygenist if she would loan me some of the instruments she uses to get her used to them. She happily obliged and I started using them. After the first time, S announced she was ready for me to make an appt!!!! I told her we needed a little more practice and then we would go. I am going to take her when I go next month and see how she does. It might help to have 3 less teeth to clean anyway!

Okay, Seriously Now...

So this morning the assistant teacher tells my husband they are watching Ice Age this afternoon. My older daughter remembered that the story is about a baby being lost from it's parents and the animals help him find them again. Of all story lines, it had to be that. I put in a call to the teacher and they didn't make it sound too promising that they would get her the message. I decided to call the school again and tell them that I needed to know what time they were watching so I could either take her home or possibly watch it with her. They were very accomodating and said they were watching at 2:15. I went early and met up with the assistant. She immediately started to tell me all of the personal mishaps in her life that week and why that prevented her from getting me the movie list. She then tells me that she only shows G rated movies, apparently she didn't notice this one was rated PG. I started to tell her why the story line was an issue and it was completely lost on her. I tried to tell her that she would never know if it bothered S because she hides it so well. Then the big thing-they started watching LAST WEEK!!!!!! The worst part of it she had to watch alone!!! I can't remember the movie details, but I can pretty much bet that the baby cried when it was separated from his parents. She always reacts to a baby crying. I started to think of ways to help them understand and I think I have some examples they can relate to. Have you ever been scared at a horror film? Cried at a romance? We are adults and know the films are fiction, yet they are able to illicit a huge emotional response from the viewers. Now imagine you are a child who doesn't understand all of that and has been a victim of trauma? Hopefully they will get it. My 18 year old was attacked by a dog when she was 5. She wondered why she wasn't afraid of dogs after that. I explained to her that she had 2 loving parents who were right there with her to comfort her and help her. My youngest had no one, not for any of it. This is constant re-traumatization. I also read about all of us have some PTSD. I will bring up that example as well. Befre, if we saw unattended luggage at an airpot, we would think nothing of it. Post 9/11, we have our guard up. If there was a bit of commotion on a flight before 9/11, we would have been annoyed, now we are scared we are all going to die. I am hoping these examples will hit home with them and they will be compassionate. I am going to have to confront what happened today, there was really no need for me to find out today that they were on part 2 of a movie I never knew about until it was too late. I keep being optimistic that I won't be fighting for her until she graduates, but I think I'm in this for the long run. AND, I'm in it for her to succeed. I'm all she has and I can never let her down.

How Much Can I Ask?

I saw something on the news last night about commemorating the anniversary of 9/11. Will they say something about it in school? Can I even ask them not to? Well, I know the answer is yes, but what do I say? They had a tornado drill(I think, based on what S told me), and she has been worried about it ever since. If she has to know about terrorists, I'm not sure she will ever feel safe. Someone on one of my groups brought up that anyone who lived through 9/11 has a bit of PTSD. I definitely agree with that. I don't look at things the same anymore, and a commotion or unattended luggage makes me instantly uneasy and on guard. I think I will use this example when I meet with the school.

Yesterday, S, myself, and my 14 year old were in the car. The radio was on a music station, turned low so we could converse, and my daughter and I were talking. Suddenly, S pipes up and says,"What's it mean, hope to die." Luckily, my daughter recognized that it was part of the lyrics of the song that was on and we explained that is was an expression. I told her that it was like books or movies, you could say anything in a song, but it didn't need to be true. I also told her that they use certain words so they have a rhyme. She was okay with that, but it is amazing that she caught that when it was barely audible. I guess the hypervigilance is still there, maybe she is just better at hiding it : (((((

She worries a lot, and still asks a million questions. She wanted to know who would bury the last person left on Earth. Who thinks about that? She said that she would cry when I died. I thought that was pretty big of her to say that, her emotional vocabulary is getting so much better. I am so grateful for our faith, without it, what would the answers be? No one can make sense out of life, particulary when it's unfair. At least when you believe that someone more powerful has a plan, and that someday we WILL understand, it makes it easier. I remember my life without faith, and it wasn't good, there were no answers, and that was not working out with someone who has almost as many questions as my little darling.

First Conference

Things went well today, better in some way than I expected. BUT, I am fired up about a couple of things. I asked the teacher to make an accomodation and she was worried about how the other kids would react if she did something different for my daughter. She also said she has never dealt with a child who had issues with loss like that. Maybe that is a good thing, since she doesn't have a preconceived idea about it. I gave her a letter written by our attachment therapist from last year. It all still applies this year, just with only half the severity.

She had lots of good things to say about her behavior, attentiveness and work habits. She said she is a strict rule follower, no surprise there. When I asked the teacher her overall impression of her she said, "I LOVE her, do I need to say anything more?" She is more likely to do what it takes if she likes her and she is so well behaved. I am very hopeful that things will work out.

She told me a funny story about today. Today was picture day and they were lining up from recess to have their pictures taken. S asked if she could go to the bathroom. Since they are supposed to go during recess or before, the teacher told her when she was supposed to have gone. She then asked if she could hold it. The answer was no. Then she asked if she could wait until after pictures. S's answer was this, "If you want to see yellow running down my leg!" Oh my gosh, gotta love that child. Yes, she was given permission to go.

The scary thing is that the teacher said she is going to have to start using consequences soon for kids who ask to go when it isn't during the suggested times. S potty trained so late, she has the control of kids much younger. If she is punished for asking at the wrong time, I'm not sure what will happen. The teacher also said that we definitely made the right decision to put her in kindergarten. Hopefully she will see that she is emotionally immature and that she needs to be treated by her emotional age and not her chronological age.

She also apologized for the movie selection and a book they read in class. She is going to give me a list of movies that they will potentially watch for the year so I can make sure they are appropriate. I was very happy that she was willing to do this. I think this year will be okay, I just need to carefully plan what I will discuss with her and try to put myself in her shoes. I hope she will do the same for me.

Handling Emotions

Last night, we had another emotional outburst. She started saying all sorts of negative things and I just said very little while I was giving her a bath. She said she wanted to just go to sleep with no stories. She got dressed and ready and was half crying the entire time. She started to cry harder and I told her how proud of her I was for letting herself cry. Again, she seemed shocked that I said that and almost stopped crying immediately. I continued to carefully choose my words, but was all positive. After she stopped crying, she was lying down. She told me she wanted to hit herself on the head. The last time she was in ne of these moods, she took my hand and tried to make me hit her on the forehead. I caught on before she did it, because she did it to me before. So I told her she could hit the pillow as much as she wanted because she couldn't hurt the pillow and she might feel better. I was questioning myself if it was good to encourage her to hit something, but it's hard to think it all out when you are in the moment and your child wants to hit herself. She said she didn't want to and threw the pillow. I jumped on that one and said, "Wow, good throw!" I gave her another and asked her to see if she could throw that one farther. She threw it and again I complimented her ability. Luckily we had 4 pillows, so she got 4 throws in rapid succession. She wanted more, so I picked them up and let her throw them again. We repeated this a couple more times and then everything was suddenly okay again. She said to me, "I'm back to being happy." I told her how happy I was that she was feeling good again and how proud I was of her. These episodes wear me out, but I think I handled this one better than in the past. Even though I think about what I should say, sometimes I say the wrong thing, not realizing where it will lead.

Today is conference day and I hope I am ready. I am very fortunate to have consulted with a former teacher and fellow adoptive mom who has coached me from her very experienced perspective.(Thanks EB!) I am a very wordy person, so this is going to be a challenge, but I can do it. At least I think ; )

A Quick Note

Last night when we were getting ready to go to bed, S hugged me and said, "I'll miss you while I am at school." I thanked her for telling me that and told her I would miss her too. We had a really nice weekend together and it was back to school this morning. We have next Monday off for Labor Day, so I'm excited t have a short week. We meet with the teacher on Thursday, so I hope I can make my point the right way.

After School Update

With regard to the movie-I asked her about it when I picked her up and she said to me, "It was scary, but I was brave." That is heartbreaking to me. I told her I was proud of her. When I asked about the scary parts, she changed and said nothing was scary. I left it at that and will talk to the teacher.

2 Weeks of School

I just checked out somehting online and now I'm in a panic. S told me yesterday that they were going to see a movie at school today. I asked the teacher today and she said they were watching the second half of a Tom and Jertry movie. My first thought was the old Tom and Jerry cartoons which have a lot of violence. They were already told that she reacts to any violence. So I figured (or should I say hoped) that it might be a newer movie version. I just looked up Tom and Jerry the movie, the only movie version I found, and this is the review-The popular cartoon cat and mouse are thrown into a feature film. The story has the twosome trying to help an orphan girl who is being berated and exploited by a greedy guardian.

Oh my gosh!! I certainly hope this isn't the one they are watching. I will be marching my way right into the principals office for an emergency meeting to address this if I find out this is the one they saw. I will see the fallout tonight if she saw this one. I know just what they will think, mom is being so overprotective. I will wait until my meeting Thursday with the teacher before getting too upset over it. What is the solution? Take her out of class when they show objectionable things? Ask to watch it with her? I'm grateful for her new social awareness of being like everyone else, but it may be hard if I have to be selective with what she sees.

All in all, things are going well. Today was no uniform day, which she was anxious about, she said she just wanted to wear her uniform. She didn't wear her uniform today, and didn't say anything about it this morning. Thank God it's Friday, I am exhausted.

I Almost Forgot

I had to go somewhere last Sunday and I made sure to say goodbye to S before I left. She told me to wait so I could give her a hug. She usually just says bye and isn't overly concerned that I leave. Then when she came up to me to hug, she said her heart was empty and she needed me to fill her back up with love. After a few seconds, she said she had enough, but I pulled her close and she protested a bit. I told her I was giving her a little extra just in case and she happily hugged me longer. These are such little steps, but they are really huge moves for her. The fact that I haven't needed to consult the attachment therapist in almost a year is proof of the progress. The techniques she gave really work and we haven't had anything bigger that needs addressing. I'm thrilled for her progress.

Teacher Report

I just got an email reply from the teacher and she said things are going really well. We have a conference set for next week and open house is Thursday. Maybe the sleep issues are due to her possibly getting sick. I opened her lunchbox today and she barely ate anything. She made it sound like she got carried away talking to her friend and then ran out of time. I don't know what really went on. On one hand it's good that she is having fun, but not good that she didn't eat. Being hungry is a big trigger for her. On the way home today, she told me that she likes her old school better because they did more work. That was exactly what she was worried about this year, too much work like the old school. I guess she would rather be stressed than bored. I told her she could move up to first grade, but she said she would next year. She's very black and white, she was told why she was in kindergarten this year. Hopefully she'll get used to the pace and be able to enjoy the time to play and learn that she can have fun and learn at the same time.

The Past Haunts Us

This weekend was a blast from the past. Friday night was a later bedtime because it was the weekend. S was going to have a 'sleepover' with her big sister. Big sister had to go somewhere and came back once S was to the point of no return. She wanted so badly to cry, but she didn't. Bid sis started to try to reason with her, then make her feel badly because she backed out on her. I always have to intervene, because her sister is only a kid herself, not her parent. Although she sees what theraputic parenting looks like and requires, it's hard for her to understand that the usual tactics just don't work. All was well the next day after a good nights rest. Sunday was a different story. At church, we saw the child from 2 years ago surface. She just wouldn't cooperate and was generally grumpy. I could see it was mostly directed at her sister, who was going back to college that day. It is so hard for her to have her 2 oldest sisters come and go in her life. She just doesn't quite understand all of it, especially since they are close enough to come home frequently. Sunday night and last night were nights of fitful sleep. S was thrashing around the bed with such force, it was horrible. I usually sleep next to her now, but it was so bad that I went up to my bed. I really feel terrible and rather helpless for what she must be going through. I went ahead and sent an email to the teacher for a conference. She must be stressed about something, and I need to see if school is any part of it. I would have had a conference with her anyway, because I never really had the opportunity to talk to her before school started. I was lying awake one night thinking about how teachers have dealt with things in the past. They always seem to have bigger issues and my child doesn't seem to matter. I can see how that can happen, it happens in my own family with my own kids. S has taken priority to the other three since coming home almost 5 years ago. But just like in my own family, if one of my kids calls something to my attention, I take notice and give them what they deserve. My older 2 are doing great things, like getting a 4.0 last semester and taking a bunch of summer classes to get ahead. My 3rd is getting caught in the middle of all of this. I need to give her the attention she deserves too. So back to S, I need to try to get the school to see her needs as just as important as the next kid. The words of the pre-school teacher come back to me all the time, "I hope too much damage hasn't been done." She should be ashamed of herself. It all happened because she refused to trust that I knew her better than anyone. She refused to tell me what went on day to day. She felt she should be able to handle eveything and she had enough experience to cover any situation. I know exactly how my daughter must feel, how can you continue to trust when people say one thing and do another?

First Week of School

We made it through the first week of school. It was a long week. Whatever happened to half days for kindergarten or starting mid-week? I found out that S is one of only 2 new students in her grade. This makes it difficult to make friends, especially when there is an odd number of girls. I also found out that she has a lunch buddy and that she really likes her. I think I will have lunch with her next week sometime just to see how she is doing. She still comes home happy, so I am optimistic.

We go back for hopefully our last re-evaluation for NR. We haven't been doing our program since the first month after our last eval. S had to look at the arm she had extended during a pattern. Since her eyes alternate turning out, I could never tell if she was looking. I clarified with our practitioner that she needed to be looking and she said yes. I decided to wait until after her eye appt to continue. After our appt, we left for China a week later. We have been trying to catch up ever since. We also have vision exercises to do, we haven't started those either. Hopefully we will get set up to start this weekend. Essentially, we are done with NR, this new program is really just extra. I think we are going to have to call it to an end even if it isn't official. I was hoping to be finished with all therapy before the start of this school year, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I just can't do it all, and the vision needs to take priority. I hope this new vision therapy resolves the issues for both of my girls, especially since we are still paying for our previous vision therapy. Ugh!

More About School

So far so good with school, getting up in the morning is hard. I'm still hearing good things about school and she looks forward to going. When I asked what she liked best about school, she didn't know. When I asked what she didn't like, she said nothing. The best part is when I pick her up, she yells out, "Mommy!" and gives me a giant hug. Part of me thinks that she is surprised that I am there because she thinks she has been left there to stay. Before I adopted, I used to hear people say that their children thought they were being abandoned everytime they were left somewhere and my first thought was to blame the parents for not making them feel secure or pre-emptively bringing up the idea to them. I need to remember that when I tell people who aren't in my shoes, that they are in my pre-adoptive shoes and I have to understand. I wish that none of this was a reality, but it is and I have to deal with it. The hardest part is needing to convince other people to treat your child with compassion when they think it's all the parents fault. They just want to prove you wrong and "save" your kid from your overprotectiveness. It seems the closer you are to people, the more they want to oppose you. When I tell people about S's eating issues, they simply don't believe it. If they only opened their eyes and ears about it, they would see that she actually wants to eat. She actually tries new foods and will ask for the same thing that the other kids are eating when she knows she won't eat it! If she were just spoiled by me, she would flatly refuse to try anything new and would never choose to go hungry just to be like the other kids. Why do people refuse to comprehend that? My heart is starting to pound and I realize that I am ranting again. I've got to stay tough and get more creative for my little one. I think maybe it's okay to resort to lying, how pathetic is that?

School Report

I am relieved to report that it was a great first day of school, despite the teacher coming in later in the day. She told me today that S was the first to greet her with a hug. Yesterday, we heard all about what she did, which is quite the surprise. When she got home, the first thing she did was play teacher and school with her big sister. There was nothing negative at all. When I asked about what she did or what she learned, she said she colored and had recess. What a thrill it was for me to hear that they were doing kindergarten/age appropriate activities. At her old school, they would have been doing math and english worksheets all day. They had music and PE and I heard all about the fun things she did. I am so happy that she will get to experience what kindergarten really is. This school understands that acedemics is not the only thing to focus on. We went to bed early, but it took a while to settle down. She was asleep around 8 and had to get up at 6:40. I had to wake her up this morning and she was very lethargic and sleepy. I was happy to hear her tell me she loved me the first thing this morning. She spent the entire time on the couch, I felt bad for her. We walked into school this morning and she was ready to start her day. I am hoping that she has another great day, she deserves it.

First Day of School

I don't know if I was so exhausted that I slept too soundly last night or S didn't thrash around as much. She woke up early but then went back to sleep. I was hoping to not have to wake her up. She was happy and got ready without a problem. Drop off went really well, we got there early so we could settle her in. Lots of parents were there also, which made me feel good that there were other parents like me. They had a bag of play doh for each child to play with while everyone was getting seated and their stuff put away. It's the perfect thing for S. One little girl shaped the dough and poked and indentation in it and said, "Butt hole" I think she is crossed off the playdate list!! I will update after the day is over.

School

School starts tomorrow and we have had at least 3 nights with very restless sleep. When I ask, she says she is not nervous, but I know that she is. Maybe she just can't label that feeling. I was full of hope with this new school until I went to registration. I could see that I will need to take a very serious tone with them to get them to listen. Hopefully we will make it through the first couple of weeks without any big issue, and then I can have a meeting with them. I need to plan carefully to have the most impact with the fewest words. I am hoping that I don't need to go get a diagnosis to get someone to listen. I can't believe I have to go through this again. I don't want to give them last years letters because they really don't apply. We haven't consulted with the attachment therapist in a long time. That is actually a good thing. We haven't gone to OT in a year, so that won't help either. So I'm left with me, they never trust the parent. I hope this is different, they seem receptive. The one good thing is that they said they sent home weekly reports on all of the kids. There are 17 children in the class this year. That's a lot for one teacher. There are only 7 girls, I hate that there is an uneven number. Pairing up is so important for girls. An uneven number means one girl will always be left out. Maybe the teacher will pair up with the odd girl, wouldn't that be nice? Let it be special instead of being left out? I guess her solution will show how sensitive and creative she is. I hope I make it through her first day!

Must Be the Stress

Yesterday we had a terrible experience. Emotions from the trip and the anticipation of school starting next week must have finally reached the tipping point. Instead of the crying episode we have gotten in the past, this more resembled the dreaded "rage". Can this actually start happening at this point when it has never happened before? She wanted to be destructive and I didn't let her. I gently restrained her and it seemed like forever before she finally calmed down. It was actually sort of calm while it was happening, just persistent. There has never been any anger, only frustration. This time looked more like anger mixed with frustration and hopelessness. She yelled something out during this episode which validated my theory about what might have happened to her when she was young. These occasional outbursts of random things has given me puzzle pieces to put together. Hopefully she is processing things and I am able to help her get through it all. It stirs up such anger in me at the people who caused all of this. Kids should be able to be happy and not deal with this kind of stuff. The good thing about these episodes is that when they are over, everything is wonderful. She takes back all of the negative things she says. I keep telling her I'm glad she feels that way but that it's okay that she has these feelings and I want her to tell me about them. I look back at where we were last year at this time and we are so much better. It is such a slow process, but we will get through it. There are just a couple of things I need to tell the teacher this year as opposed to an hour long conference and a lot of uneasiness. I hope that things go well for her.

We're Back!

We got back two days ago now and are recovering from jet lag. Our trip was extremely difficult for all of us. Overall, S did great, but it was hard for her to be in the orphanage atmosphere again. It all worked out though, she spent a lot of time away from the kids and had the luxury of playing and interacting with them when she chose to. It was very interesting to see how they treated her and where they felt she fit in. The children ranged in age from 1 to 14, with several children older than her. She made fast friends with a 10 year old girl the first day, but decided she wasn't overly comfortable playing with her or the rest of them. The children were very aggressive, which scares her. The children were very protective of her, and initiated play with her. I think she learned a lot from being there, and my belief is that the more positive experiences she has in that environment, the better she is able to process her feelings about her first year of life. Honestly, I was pretty traumatized from the experience there. I was emotionally drained everyday, feeling hopeless to change the situation for them. I must press on and get past my own shortcomings to try to help these kids. Some of them were so smart and have such potential. Hopefully we can support them to continue with school. One 15 year old girl practiced her English with me while I practiced my Chinese with her. I would ask her a question in Chinese and she would answer me in English. She was the only one comfortable using her English, even though all of the kids that attend school learn English. There was one boy who was so eager to learn, he would ask me to read him the English words and he would write them on the board. All of us got sick at one time or another except S. I was sick the longest, and I still am recovering from a cold. It is so good to be home. S said things like, Home Sweet Home, and There's No Place Like Home. It was so cute. She starts her new school in 2 weeks, I am hoping for a good year. We need to get back into a routine for our NR and our vision exercises. S's glasses came in the mail while we were away. She couldn't wait to get back to wear them. They need to be adjusted, they don't fit her properly. She is excited about them though, and she looks adorable. My level of exhaustion right now is not making me look forward to the task ahead of me. At this moment in time, I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm still unpacking, washing clothes, and catching up on paying bills. It is so hard to be gone for so long. Hopefully in a week or so, I'll be able to write that I'm all caught up and ready to tackle everything. HA! Those are lofty goals! Let's see if I can do it...

Last Post Before We Leave

Well, there seem to be no lasting effects from the head injury. I am going to try to get in with the pediatrician this week before we leave for China. I have been putting off the pediatrician visit until after her birthday, (which was just a little over a week ago). She had so much anxiety over going for her well check, I promised it would be after her birthday. Time has slipped away like it usually does. We will be gone until the end of the month, and this trip will be quite a challenge. We will be staying at a remote orphanage in a small village. It will be tough, but we will all come back better people after all this is over. If you had told me my life would take this turn 5 years ago I would have told you that you were crazy. As hard as my daughter's challenges have been, it has opened up my world. I have met so many wonderful people and special kids through it all. I hope we can continue to have others benefit from our trials. It makes it all worth it in the end.

Some More Details

One of the revelations from the optometrist was what he found about how she walks. She was very excited about the appointment, so when he asked her to walk to the end of the hall, she didn't walk calmly and straight. He asked if she always walked like that and I said no. Then he took her by the hand and walked with her and she walked on her toes!!!! She NEVER does this! I told him that but I'm not sure he believed me. I then told him that if she had the choice, she would RUN wherever she went. He answered that he wasn't surprised. He explained that the floor appeared to slant down for her, thus explaining why she would feel the need to run. When he told me this, I instantly had another horrible flashback. The pre-school didn't believe a word I said and re-traumatized her again and again, especially over running instead of walking. They thought they could teach her to behave the way they wanted and ignore her past. Her last school tried to make her walk slowly as well, they didn't see anxiety from past trauma as anything either. Now we have proof of a physical reason why she felt the need to run everywhere. Combine the physical with the emotional reasons, and it becomes overwhelming. It pains me a great deal that she had to go through that, and it's my fault for not being more demanding. It shouldn't be that way at all. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells waiting for backlash on your child if you say too much. Why do people have to judge you and your child and why do they think it's their job to raise your child. I am not taking any chances with this new school, I am going to risk it and I won't hesitate to take her out. The only plus of all of this is that she loves to be around other kids. I remember wanting to protect my other kids and keep them home with me. I wanted them to be around other children. I tried to connect with a network with S for homeschool or just play, but haven't found enough people. We did just recently find a family with someone her age, and we seem very compatible.

Another very important point was affirmed at the optometrist. He didn't know very much about S other than the boxes you check on the form you fill out. We told him she was starting kindergarten in the fall and that she had already spent a year in school. He couldn't have agreed more that this was the right decision. I think my husband needed to hear that more than I did. I feel like we have everything in place to start off the right way this fall. Her vision is taken care of, her NR is pretty much finished, and she is in a better state emotionally. I have high hopes that this will be the best year for her. She just loves life and wants to do everything. She has been so happy since her injury. She was so sweet and charming at her eye appointment. She was so incredibly cooperative, and not one thing scared her. She was amazing. I wish the teachers and people that have judged us could see her now. Do they think we just taught her how to be this way overnight? She is doing all of the things we taught her all along the way as her body connects and matures and is READY to do the things she learned. It makes me sad to think of how many kids suffer emotional harm because they can't make their bodies do what they want. I don't think anyone enjoys being impulsive. Adults are impulsive all of the time with their words. How many times have you said something and wish you thought about the impact your words would have before you let them out? It doesn't feel good. Yet we hold little kids more accountable than adults, when they are too immature to control their impulsiveness. I love the do-over theory. This lets the child do what they should have, sparing their self esteem because they did something wrong. That is one thing that the school did last year, maybe they will keep it up for the other kids.

Developmental Optometrist

Our 2 day visit with the optometrist was worth going and spending our entire savings on, at least hope. He is putting her in glasses, of which she is so excited about. He uses a different approach than most vision therapists. He uses prisms, along with exercises. We will go back in 6 months or so for a re-eval. I knew she was having trouble with close up work, we found out that her eyes focus close up at different places, making her turn one eye off. She looks adorable in her glasses. Her sister went for an eval also, and he is doing something different with her. He designed a program that analyzes gait, and it is really amazing. He noticed things no one has before. He made a prototype of glasses for her to wear, and then re-did the analysis. It is amazing to see the difference in posture with the new glasses on. The body contorts itself to compensate for vision, not in a way you would readily notice, but obvious when pointed out. I learned a lot of new things this visit, and I think he can help both of the kids. I also think that with S's vision corrected, she will find school more pleasant.

I Never Want Another Day Like This In My Life

I don't even know if I can write this, it was the worst day of my life. My worst fear in life is losing one of my children. Not losing them in a store, but losing them to death. We were set to fly out Tuseday morning to CT for our vision exam. My husband had just gotten home from being out of town, and S was happy to see him. She asked him to play with her and he picked her up and was playfully tossing her on the couch. This is something she loves, and she was giggling happily. Suddenly, I see him get up with her in his arms. I can't remember if he was calling her name, but she was in a strange position like she was sleeping. I ran over to them asking what was the matter. I first thought she could be choking on something, then I noticed her eyes were not looking at anything and she wasn't responding. I ran to dial 911, not realizing what was happening, but knew it didn't look good. My husband was operating in panic mode, not being able to answer me, but was able to answer yes to dialing 911. He just kept walking with her, walking away. I was yelling to him, asking if she was breathing, all the while in a panic that I was on a corded phone and couldn't run after them to be with her. My 18 year old daughter came running when she realized something was happening. They determined she was breathing, but she was not responding to them. The phone seemed to ring forever, I was upset that the emergency line could ring 10 times without someone answering. The first thing they ask is your full address without even knowing what you need. She did let me know after I told her what was wrong that an ambulance was on the way. During this time, they got her to respond and she was answering what her name was, etc. I knew she was going to the hospital, so I ran upstairs to get some clothing on that would make me presentable, especially if I needed to be there for a while. Thinking back, I must have been in panic mode too, I should have gone to her instead of worrying about being seen in clothing that looked like PJ's. I was back in a flash, well before the ambulance arrived. She was so scared, and she was able to tell me she was afraid of being away from me forever. I didn't know if they would let me be in the ambulance with her, so I told her ahead of time that if that were to happen, I would follow the ambulance in the car and be right there. The paramedics were very nice, and didn't seem too concerned. They couldn't guarantee me she was okay. One of them asked for her to squeeze his hand and she had no grip with the left, but held on a little with her right. It may have been because she was scared, but I didn't want to take any chances. They couldn't tell me either way if she should be checked out, even they didn't really even examine her. Any child who loses consciousness, even briefly, should be checked out. They made me feel like a hypocondriac for deciding to go to the hospital, but I didn't care. They said I could ride with her in the ambulance, so we decided to do that. I was so afraid of something happening on the way if we went in the car. It is about 25 minutes to the hospital, so I wasn't taking chances. The ER doctor did a minimal exam, and suggested that she may even have had a seizure because she stiffened up after she lost consciousness. My husband recounted the events leading up to this. He dropped her on her bottom to the couch, and her head fell forward, almost like whiplash. I think she was already out and that her head fell forward as a result. He thinks her head flopping forward was what did it. It was just a freak accident. S's version of it was that daddy "threw" her on the couch. I thought for sure we would have a social worker in there investigating based on her wording of the incident. When my older daughter broke her finger years ago, they grilled both of us over and over for the story. The intake people, X-ray, docotrs, nurses. It took like the third time of asking for me to figure out what they were fishing for. I am so happy that this time, they could see that we were caring parents and that there was no chance that this was intentional. I have never been more scared of losing her, it was horrible. I am so grateful for the young ER doctor and nurses who were so nice and careful about not traumatizing her. She left there and said, "That was fun at the hospital!" That was the best thing to come out of this whole ordeal, she won't be afraid if she needs to go to the ER again, or even ride in an ambulance. The doctor said we would probably be okay to fly out the next day, we should just watch her carefully over the ext 24 hours. We decided to go ahead and fly, since she was back to normal so soon after the incident. It was a sleepless night, constantly checking if she was still breathing. Thank GOD she was okay, I am so grateful for every minute I have with her.

Some More Good Stuff

Today we started VBS for the week. There was a little anxiety about it because she knew it was at her new school. She's not thrilled with the idea of changing schools, but I know it will be a better place for her. Last night I asked her if she was nervous or scared about anything and she said no. This morning she was bouncing all over the place excited to leave. We got there and all seemed well. I stood nearby while all of the children arrived. They do some songs with the entire group and then split off into smaller groups. I saw her standing there with a dazed look on her face. I scanned my memory to make sure I told her I would be back to pick her up and that she knew how things would unfold. She stood there with her deer in the headlights look until they were done. I was very worried. I went up to her right before they started to go to the smaller groups. I asked if she was okay and she said she was. Then she asked me why I came back. I told her I never left and I wanted to stay to make sure she was okay. I arrived about 40 minutes early to pick her up. I watched as they gathered together once again and they played the songs. I walked around front to get a better look and there she was, in front, dancing away to the music, doing the hand motions with everyone else. What a thrill it was to see her! Then they did a few more things on the stage in front of the kids. This next thing was completely unexpected. They used her most feared siht and sound, a big motor/fan to inflate something on the stage. This ordinarily would have sent her into a panic and her hands over her ears. It was the surprise factor that I suspect would have had the most impact at this stage. She was absolutely fine! Other than her food issues, she is so much like every other kid, and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Today I was......

savoring the sweetness of success. It just occurred to me that yesterday was a big milestone. We went to see a movie at the theater. For the past couple of years, she has covered her ears because the volume was too much for her. So much scared her in the content of a rated G movie. Sadly, she was watching My Little Pony with her sister, a show she loves. They got to a scene where there were babies in a hospital and she made her sister turn it off. We have much to be thankful for though, the theater movie was a complete success. It was fun to see her even 'get' some of the humor and hear her laugh. Today we went to the grocery store. I remember the days when that was a nightmare. She would try to just run off, not caring about being away from me or out of my sight. She would go around touching everything. She still likes to touch, but now she will listen. She is so polite and says, "Thank you mommy." and "I'm sorry mommy." She is kind, she is considerate, and she is happy. The biggest thing that happened at the store was that she stayed back to get on the big scale. I noticed a second later that she wasn't next to me or right behind me, but I saw where she was going. I kept walking through the door but could still see her just a few feet away. She got down from the scale and the automatic doors started closing on her. She jumped back until they started opening again. SHE SENSED DANGER!!!! This is a big step for her, this has been very slow in coming. She has been very aware of danger lately. When we were crossing the street to go into the store she explained to me why she needed to watch out for cars. I'm not so distanced from the way things were not to appreciate the way things ARE.

Last week we were with a little friend who got hurt. She was screaming loudly and crying. S got far away from her and covered her ears. After a few minutes, she slowly walked closer and gently put her hand on her friend's arm. She stepped back, and then came back to her about a minute later and did the smae thing. That was a very big thing for her, her compassion overpowered her fear. I am so proud of her. We have more mountains to climb, but we have all the gear we need to climb them. Slowly but surely, we will get to the top.

Summer News

I can't remember if I wrote about this yet or not, but S developed a throat clearing habit the last couple weeks of school. This happened once before, she was sick and had to clear her throat. It developed into a habit that lasted several weeks. This time, it could have started because she had some mild illness, but it continued because of stress. The teachers said they noticed it alot and it was more frequent when she was stressed. She has been out of school for one week. It has decreased in intensity, but at times is more frequent. She was really making a big sound in the beginning, and I think it probably irritated her throat. She most likely really needs to clear it now. It drives me crazy to hear her do this, and sometimes I tell her to stop. I know I have to back off, because my reaction is only adding to the problem. I wish I could be the perfect, always calm and sedate mom, but I can't. I try hard each and every day to improve on my own shortcomings, and each day I fall short on perfection. I just hope it's good enough. I have much more patience than I did years ago, but it's never enough. Our home life is different with no school and her big sisters in and out of the house. One is taking classes away from home and only comes home every once in a while, the other is taking summer classes near home, so she is living home. S just can't wrap her head around the fact that they are out of school for the year, but are now in class for the summer. We will probably go to China for about 3 weeks in July. This is something she is really looking forward to. We are working on eating a bigger variety of food to make the trip easier. Trips to China are never easy, but needing to take 3/4 of the food she will eat in a suitcase further complicate things. We are going to be doing charity work there, so it's important that we make this trip. We are not going for a vacation. As hard as the trip is on her, she really does so well and always has so much personal growth.

We decided for sure on the new school in the fall. She will go to their vacation bible school in a couple of weeks so she will be familiar with the school. I think this will help a great deal. I am really looking forward to this next school year. I am looking forward to being a part of her school experience like I was with the other kids. I really feel like we were both cheated out of a lot this past year. That is why I'm glad we are starting in K again this year. It will be like starting over.

Since we haven't had a schedule, S has been talking non-stop and asking constant questions. I know it's because she is nervous, but it is so hard. This morning, she asked to go upstairs and do some creeping. I think she misses the routine and the special time together. We will do that whether we need to or not. I think that is such a big step for her to ask.

In the Beginning......continued....

I was remembering some other things about the beginning of our journey. I remember that going to a store was a nightmare. She screamed when I tried to put her in a cart, refused to hold my hand if I put her down, so I had to hold her with one arm and push the cart with the other. She would just run off and never look back. She wouldn't respond if I called to her, nor would she ever sense any danger. It didn't matter what tone of voice I used with her, she didn't respond to any of it. She couldn't be coerced or bribed, she just did her own thing. For so long, I just thought she didn't understand. There was a lot that she didn't understand, but there was also a lot that she just held in until it was safe. It's easy to look back and see things now, but when we were deep into it, we couldn't tell. I remember that she was so busy, so wild and crazy, that her big sisters didn't feel they could take care of her if I had to do something. They were exhausted after a few minutes. When I would go upstairs to take a shower or do something, I would come back and they would say they were watching her for HOURS. Some of this was just them being dramatic, but there was no doubt that it was hours worth of effort. She just never quite fit the criteria for diagnosing a particular problem. Now the picture is much clearer and attachment is at the forefront. We had a final conference with the teachers yesterday. They did not see any area that she was having trouble with or might have trouble with. I am confident with my decision to repeat kindergarten. She needs confidence in her abilities and the emotional tools to be able to handle anything more advanced. I compare her life to racing in a marathon. She was in training, and it didn't look like she would be equipped to start the race. At the last minute, it looked like she could do it. We strapped her running shoes on and ran to get her to the starting line. She had a great start, and it looked like she would finish without a problem. But then her shoe came untied, then she twisted her ankle but she was still running at a good speed and acting like there was nothing wrong. Everyone wants her to keep going, their goal is the finish line, it doesn't matter what condition she is in when she crosses it, the point it that she is CAPABLE of getting to the finish line. I want her to pace herself so she crosses the finish line strong and ready for the next race, not exhausted, injured, and never wanting to run another race in her life. She can drop out of this race and enter a new one. She will enter this next race totally prepared and conditioned. She will cross the finish line with confidence and strength, maybe she'll even win the race. She will feel accomplished and confident when it's over, and ready to tackle whatever comes next. She won't be repeating a grade, she'll just be starting this next race prepared to win.

Endings

These last few weeks have been terribly busy. We have been slackers with NR. Our routine has been so disrupted, it has been impossible to be consistent. Some days have me wanting to be totally uninvolved in anything outside the confines of my house. I realize that is quite impossible, because the reason we do all that we do is because of the kids and on their behalf. Today is the last day of school for S, she seems to be doing okay. I worry about the last hour or so, when they say goodbyes and she realizes that this is an ending. She has such anxiety over endings, to her they signify a loss. No one can quite understand how she feels. That's okay, I just wish they would try. I wish they could see that she is trying her hardest to not let her feelings show. That showing any outward sign makes her vulnerable beyond what she can handle. When I attempt to explain it, I get sympathy, for her and for me. We don't need that, we need someone to listen AND understand. Right now, we are coping and it is working out just fine. I hope her healing can advance over the summer to give her the skills, trust and confidence to make it through whatever next school year brings. I plan to do the full Ils program over the summer. We also have an appointment with a new vision therapist in another state. I have spoken with him personally, and it seems that he offers a different approach. It will be hugely expensive, but we have to do it. We will also incorporate our NR into our routine. Our new patterns involve using the eyes, and it's very difficult for her. Maybe after we see the vision therapist, he can offer some advice.

In the Beginning....

I just went through this entire blog to take notes for my graduation post. This will probably end up being 'it', since I don't want to type this all over again. So, in the beginning, on a hot summer day in China, we met the daughter we had waited so long for. She came to us easily, more entranced by the lights in the room that worried about who was holding her. We all took turns holding her, mom, dad, and three big sisters. Not a tear was shed, and she was entertained by the screen of the digital camera. We were relieved of the many fears that had been caused by some follow up pictures sent to us while we were waiting between referral and adoption. In the pictures, she did not appear healthy and some other things had us concerned. When we got back to the room, the tears came. I knew it was good that she was grieving, that meant that there was an attachment to her nanny. She stopped crying the minute we put her in her little bed. It meant those scary strangers finally put her down and got away from her. The next couple of days showed us how delayed she was. She was almost 15 months old and needed support to sit up. Armed with all of the stories from other parents, I wasn't worried and thought she would catch up quickly just like all of the kids in the stories I heard. Although she made gains when we got home, they weren't at the pace we expected. The first time we went outside, the wind in her face scared her. It was the first of many things that terrified her. It took months to get with the early intervention team. They set us up with physical therapy and we were on a waiting list to get into speech therapy. The physical therapist told us to get her on her tummy, even though she screamed in fear everytime we did this. Poor thing must have felt so vulnerable, she couldn't even roll over. Many months passed, and she finally got crawling on all 4's down. Everyone wanted her to walk, because she took a few steps a couple of months after coming home, but I noticed she didn't know to put her hands out to break her fall. Looking back, it was one of the many signs that things were not right. She walked at about 22 months, but still didn't know how to catch her fall. She was a constant hazard to herself and couldn't be left alone for a second. Although she babbled a LOT, she didn't have any words for a long time. She would always put her arms in the air and cover her eyes and forehead with her hands. Only recently, I learned the reason why she did this. She refused to straddle a ride on toy or anything you needed to be in that position for. For her, it brought up memories of being left for hours on a hard wooden potty that she had to straddle. The bath was another source of terror. We started out in a baby bath in the big tub, and gradually worked up to the big tub, but it took a long time. Bath toys were pushed away like they were something that could hurt her. She took no interest in bath toys for probably more than a year. It took more than a year to try any solid food, even then I had to pulverize a cheerio before I put it in her mouth. I think it took 2 years before we could brush her teeth, she was so orally defensive. Even though she played happily by herself or next to someone, she wasn't interested in people for at least six months. She would interact with us, but never seek us out. We could point out the birds or anything else and she would ignore us. For a while we thought it was the language barrier. Then we suspected that it might be possible that she couldn't learn the way other kids did. She was so good at avoiding and ignoring, that we just couldn't tell what she was capable of. These were very scary times. Her vivacious and sweet personality kept all of us happy and head over heels in love, and we joyfully accepted her as she was, all the while doing everything we could to maximize her potential, whatever that was. Meanwhile, I was joining yahoo groups and scouring the internet for information. No one seemed to have any answers for me. Then someone posted on my adoption agency list about Bette and Neuro-reorg. I did what research I could in the short time I had, and decided to take the plunge. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Bette understood all of this, had seen a lot of it before, AND had a solution! I was the one to suggest to the pediatrician and early intervention team that I thought OT could help. I was the one who discovered sensory integration and sought out an OT who specialized in it. Unfortunately, OT only helped a little. We had such big concerns in the beginning, any kind of help was accepted. We found out at our NR evaluation things that no one else had even looked for. We had a rough road ahead of us, a projected 2 year time frame of daily work. But we had a huge list of things that needed resolving. She was afraid to go up our stairs alone, afraid of people clapping, hated Disney World, flying on airplanes, refused to hold my hand in a store, would walk out our front door and just start walking away. She had a strange fear of being placed on a bed. She was obsessed with circles and staring at lights, even the sun! On the plane ride home from China, she wouldn't go to sleep until I got up and let her be in the seat alone. She never looked to anyone for approval or responed to praise or coersion. She never showed any emotion other than happy or scared. She never called us mommy or daddy or used her sisters names or even the names of our pets. As she got older and started to speak, she would only repeat what someone asked her or monologue. She would never converse or answer a question. Now that I know so much more, those were alll glaring attachment problems. I had periodically inquired on the attachment group if those things looked like issues but no one ever said is was. I even went to a semminar given by our current AT thinking it would give me all the answers. What it told me was that attachment wasn't our issue. It's only after looking back that I can concisely list all of our issues in one place. They didn't all happen at once, so it was harder to identify. I guess we had so many other things to deal with that the attachment seemed like it was a small issue. After all, attachment was making steady progress, it was just slow in coming, just like the development. She used to hit herself in the face and bang her head when she was frustrated, wouldn't accept comfort, had little eye contact, she loved music yet didn't move her body to music, she wouldn't point to an object in a book. She was scared to have her picture taken, didn't respond yes or no, never tried to sing, never spoke a word in the car, refused to to sit in a high chair or sit at the table. She would never sit in a shopping cart, wouldn't weaar a jacket or certain textures, hated stuffed animals, play doh or anything like it. She never knew when she was hungry and didn't feel pain. Even the vital response to pain was missing. Poor little baby, one day, I saw her standing still with a funny look on her face. She had put a clothespin on her finger and was just standing there, not knowing what to do. When I got it off, then there was a delay, and then she cried. When she got hurt, she would try to get me to 'wipe' off the hurt. She just didn't understand pain. She had no empathy, no sense of danger, she used to slam into people and didn't know about personal space. She never imitated people(coincidently one of the bonding tools we could never use). She would obsess over things, hated endings of any kind. She had such anxiety, even in her own house. As time went on, we would have to re-word a sentence several ways to get a response. She pretty much had no self regulation, she became constantly busy and asked questions constantly. All of the potential diagnoses overlapped, I had no idea which area to pursue, even during our NR journey. At one point, she fit the diagnosis for Autism Spectrum disorder, Sensory Processing disorder, Attachment disorder, global developmental delay, motor planning problems, apraxia, expressive language delay, auditory processing problems, Cerebral palsy, ADHD, and feeding problems. Today, we are still working on feeding and attachment. A year ago, she was evaluated by the public school. She still qualified for developmental delay. At 4 years old, she still couldn't count to 10. She recognized all of her letters and knew thier sounds, yet could not identify the numbers 1-10. We worked on harder areas while creeping and crawling, that is where she learned the best. Now I am happy to say that she can count to 100 and higher, is beginning to read and does complex math problems like 92 + 6. She is doing great in school and has no problem with anything. She has problems with anxiety, but it is next to nothing compared with where she started off. In pre-school, she was deathly afraid of the fire truck and ambulance. This year, they had a problem with their fire drill and the fire truck came to school anyway. They told us that she climbed up onto the fire truck! She even conquered the dreaded giant inflatable bounce house. Everything she couldn't do or wouldn't do last year, she is doing this year. Even when we were full time in NR, the changes were nothing obvious in day to day living, even though they were happening. She just needed to be challenged in all of those areas to know for sure, they weren't things that needed to be demonstrated daily. I think this point needs to be stressed, changes are happening, even when you don't see it. One day is the tipping point for each obstacle, and you just don't know what day that will be. One of the most remarkable changes was the use of her left arm. When we came home, her brain didn't recognize that her left arm existed. She would cleverly balance a book on it's spine and open it up. She would carefully do this each time she turned the page. I went through the motions with her using her left hand to help the right and then she would try it on her own, not using the left hand! The deficits in her brain showed up in the left leg as well. She wouldn't use it for creeping, it just poked up into the air, waving like a little flag. It seems she did this forever, then one day the left leg got involved. She used both legs but didn't use her feet and toes. I thought she had just gotten so efficient at doing it this way that it would never evolve into the "ideal" creeping. Eventually it did, much to my surprise. I am so happy that we stuck with it, it was by far the hardest and longest therapy we have ever done. It was worth every minute. There were plenty of days when I was ready to give up. I'm glad I didn't. Now we are working on the finishing touches. It's like we already have the icing on the cake, we are now just making it fancy. We have graduated the big stuff, and if we stopped now, everything would still be okay, even more than okay, they would be great. As long as there is work to be done and more to be accomplished, we will be doing it. After all, we all continue to make ourselves and our kids better people each and every day, even if it is in a different way. We are all works in progress. I have a feeling we will be working through the emotional journey for a long time, and attachment will need work as well. But I can't tell you what a relief it is to be where we are today. I am looking at a new school for the fall, and I may not even have to go in and brief them on anything more than I would any other child of mine. To think that last year at this time, we had an IEP full of recommendations and letters to the school from the AT and the OT. This fall, none of that applies. How sweet is that? I can't even begin to say how much I have learned from my daughter. She has made me a better person and has changed my life and how I look at others. I am more compassionate, more patient, less judgemental, more disciplined, better educated, and more appreciative. I didn't get what I expected when I adopted, I got so much more. I got what I didn't know was out there to have, how did I even deserve such a gift? Now it is my job to help others, and to find a way to present it in a way that will be accepted so that other children will have a future that has no boundaries. This is the end of one chapter and the beginning of many new and exciting ones to come. Look out world, here she comes!

Recap

I just got finished reading this blog from the beginning. It took several days to read through it all. There are so many spelling errors, I don't think I'll ever have time to go back and fix them. I always have to do this so quickly, there is no time to go back and edit. I really do know how to spell. I thought I wrote more detail than I did, but I think there is enough there. I wrote down all of the details for our long awaited graduation post! I can't wait to write it. Our new routine is going well, I think we have the first pattern down and are ready to add the next one. It looks like we will be doing these through the summer. It won't be difficult. These can be done anywhere, so even going away will not change anything. We are hoping to go to China again this summer. Lately, she has been saying she wants to live in China when she is older. I told her we need to learn the language better. We only have 5 weeks of school left, I am so excited! I can't wait for summer. I think this summer is going to be a great summer for her, a time of great gains. I hope I can keep writing about our progress.

Our New Routine

Our new exercises are going well, except we didn't do them yesterday. S has soccer on Wed and Friday's, so things get hectic. I wanted to write what I noticed last week at soccer. S was running and I noticed that her legs and arms were working together. Her knees were straight up and down and her arms were in sync with her legs!!! This was not what she looked like 6 months ago. She couldn't march in place with her arms and legs in sync. Her knees still went outward with a wider than normal gait. All of that creeping made a difference. Believe it or not, she was still a very fast runner when her legs weren't quite in the right position. If I hadn't been through this journey and someone told me that her legs and arms weren't working together, I would have thought, "Who cares? She is a fast runner." I think that is precisely why people don't get help. They don't see anything that subtle as a hinderence. I freely admit, I wouldn't get help either. It's only when other problems show up later that parents get help. I have said this so many times before, but it's worth repeating. I am grateful for the extent of our early obstacles or I would have never found the help that we needed. How do I spread the word? I've seen people at Bette's talks shaking their head in agreement at all she says and how it applies to their children and then just walk away. I was so grateful to encounter someone who understood everything we were going through and what to do about it. I am so grateful to be where we are in the healing process, but it still is hard to hear people talk about where we came from. Apparently they were very worried, but nice enough not to express that to us until we were in a good place.

I'm Heartbroken

Okay, so I did what I said I would do last night. I got out the story books I made about adoption. I got out the photo album of the only baby pictures I have(an early life book). She happily looked through the books and listen to HER story. She has always loved these books, and tonight was no different. She flipped through the photo book a little more quickly than usual. When I turned out the lights for bedtime, she gave me a huge hug and told me she loved me. Then she said something very sad. She asked me if I would never______ and never______ and always take care of her? I can't be sure exactly what happened to her, but her story is the same each time. I asked her to tell me more about it and she said she couldn't because the story was too long. I asked if she could make it short and she said no. Then she said that HE told her not to tell anyone. I thought this was really strange, I would think that if she saw something that they wouldn't have told her not to tell anyone, she didn't even speak a word in China. I thought about it for a while and figured out that she was probably saying what someone said, but not to her, but her nanny or other adult. I think this because she told me what someone said before this. This was the story she told me where I asked questions and I could verify the accuracy based on the details she provided. I had pictures that showed what she described and I know she had never seen them before. I am writing these things down in detail because someday, hopefully, the memories will fade for her. This story will be written down so if she is ever troubled by memories when she is older, this can help her work things out.

On a better note, we started our new program yesterday and she did great. I took me a while to get it down myself, it took a lot of coordination!

Re-eval report

We had our re-eval on Thursday. No, we didn't graduate, but we are so close that it is almost certain we will by next time. We got just a short list of activities that will be no problem to work on. It feels so good to be here, I hope I can keep up the momentum to get through the finish line. I had wanted to start ILS with nothing else to do, but looks like we will have to do both. We have so little to do, that it will work out just fine. Yesterday, we went on a class field trip. S wanted to hold the teachers hand and not mine or her dad's. I'm really not sure if this was her rigid thinking or a serious attachment issue. I think I'll go for advice on the attachment group instead of consulting our AT since there really isn't anything else to talk about. It was great to see her interact with her classmates. She preferred her teachers to me though, which I thought was a little strange. Then something really strange happened. She said to her teacher when she grabbed her hand, "Are you my mommy?" The teacher said no and then she asked, "Did you take care of me until my mommy came to get me?" The teacher was distracted with the other kids so I don't think she answered her, at least I didn't hear an answer. I asked her later that day why she asked her teacher that and asked her to explain. I asked her if she thought her teacher took care of her in China and she said yes. I reminded her of who took care of her. She seemed to remember and was okay with that. I am confused that she is confused. Do I go over her story again to refresh her memory? Could she actually be confused? I feel terrible that maybe I should be going over her story again and again. I am afraid to bring up bad memories. I guess we need to get past that. She loves going over her story books, so I shouldn't hesitate. I have just been following her lead on when she wants to read them and look at them.

Bette did a talk in my area, and it connected me to many more people. I want to be able to share this blog with them so they can read our story and be encouraged. But, as usual, I have thrown people under the bus and don't want local people to be reading about them, especially since I have stories about people we have dealt with. There are no names, but I think I will have to modify things before letting people read it. In some ways I regret that, but they are all part of our story. People who don't understand have been the biggest obstacle to our healing and progress.

Our Re-evaluation is Today!

Our re-evaluation is working a little differently this time, so I did a phone consult with Bette before she actually sees us. I have been racking my brain to come up with something to tell her. I asked my husband to come up with things also, and he could come up with one. Did we ever think we would see this day? Yes, there are some lingering issues, but they are slowly getting better and are not NR related. Bette said she's not ready to let us go, she wants to keep in touch to hear the rest of the story. I am confident that her future will bring great things. I don't know that I will keep up the blog as much as I have been, I don't even know if anyone reads it with any regularity. I am glad I documented her story, because I think it offers hope to so many people dealing with difficulties. I have found so many answers, I want to be able to help others and save them and their children precious time. Our story isn't over, even when our NR story ends. If fact, her new chapter is just beginning.

Another Accomplishment

This past weekend, we went to the science center with another family. S loved it, we have to go back for sure. S asked to go into a hurricane wind simulator. She has always hated everything involved with what she was about to experience. Wind, fans, and motor sounds-all on the most feared list. She didn't love it, but she didn't want to do it again. She wasn't in a panic to get out of it. She calmly walked away and went on to something else. To use her words, I was "impressed, proud and big happy" with her. We had at least one more crying incident. This one came on much faster, she was able to turn it into a cry very fast. Then-it was over and all was good again. I think she is getting the hang of it. Her 10 year old cousin is staying with us and she is having a hard time with it. She adores her and is obsessed with her, but she is a little boss monster. She wants to control what goes on and it is really difficult. I'm going to post on the attach group for some advice. This isn't the first time she has been bossy. I know that she has a need for control because of her beginnings, but I also need to know how to deal with it. We have less than a week before her re-eval.

One Quick Thing

We have been out of school all week so far, but I think even if she weren't sick, she wouldn't want to go. She has been very strange when I ask her if she will be ready to go to school. I asked her if there was anything going on that I should know about, then asked leading questions to try to figure it out. Today, since she is better, I told her that I thought she would go to school tomorrow. She said she didn't want to go. I told her she had to go, and that school was almost over for the year. She was sitting at the table getting ready to eat something and I looked at her precious little face and saw one big pout on it. This is the child who doesn't cry sad tears. Or should I say, didn't used to cry sad tears. Somehow I got it out of her that she didn't want to go to school because she didn't want to be away from me! Did I hear that right? She was upset because she wanted to be with me! Oh, we have come so far... I watched her face trying to keep in the tears, her eyes were all welled up with tears just waiting to spill out. I wiped her eyes as we talked and told her it was okay to cry. She let loose, crawled into my arms and cried. It was while I was comforting her that I discovered that she didn't know how to cry. Not that she couldn't cry, but it just didn't sound like sadness. She would kind of force it out, bystanders(and judgemental people) would think she was faking. She would let out those little forceful half yell/half cries now and then, with the rest sounding like fake crying. I was devastated to think she had held it in for so long that she lost the ability to freely cry. I just let her go for as long as she needed to, which was probably about 5-10 minutes. Again, after it was over, she was much better. She asked if she could stay a short day and I said she could. She eventually said she wanted to stay a full day. I told her we would decide in the morning. I am proud of her that she seems to be allowing herself to feel and express sadness. I was also thinking how hard this is for me to know her little heart is allowing itself to be vulnerable again. Although I thought life was so hard before, not knowing how this would all unfold, if she would ever be able to do the things she is doing today. Now that all that is in place, I find myself wishing she was so tough like before. I don't really mean that, she was in a terrible place before, I just didn't know how she was suffering. There was so much else that she was working on at the same time. We helped her in every area, just some came together before others. She really misses her sisters at college and she just recently misses her daddy when he goes to work. I love that she is showing that she misses them, and at the same time it is hard to know she misses them. I know this is a big step in her attachment, and thrilled that along with everything else that's going well, that we have this too.

Never Thought I Would See The Day!!

As I typed the title, I think saying never is a little harsh. I hate to say I think something will never happen, but this one was close to possibly never happening. Anything with a motor sound, particularly a fan, was an object of complete terror. Even a slight breeze was terrifying when we first got home. Since fans are used EVERYWHERE in China, I think my poor baby had a fan blowing on her and she was powerless to get away from it. Imagine being 14 months old and not being able to roll over in your crib. Anyway, we have had a gradual desensitization to fans, and slightly to motors and motor sounds. This past Sunday was our church picnic. They always have the infatable bounce houses. In the past, she wouldn't go anywhere near them. This year, she anticipated it and said she was going to go on it. We were pretty convinced that she would go near it, but not sure she wouldn't bail out at the last minute. There was a large one and a small one. She decided the big one with big kids jumping wildly was not going to be the one she tried first. She very cautiously went into the small one. She held onto the sides at first, and within a few minutes was jumping. I was jumping too, with joy!!! My little one had conquered something that was at the top of her most feared list!!! Each time she does something new, she gains confidence.

She brought up that she let herself cry. She has been giving that so much thought. None of that has come up again, but she hasn't forgotten about it. She told me she had a nightmare about dying. She has been home sick yesterday and today with a fever and cough. Yesterday, I had an appt to get my teeth cleaned. She is afraid to go to the dentist, she hasn't been as a patient yet. She has shown her teeth to the hygenist from a distance, but that's as far as she has gotten. She sat in the chair in the room with me the entire time like a little angel. I am so thrilled to be at this point in her life. We are where I imagined it would take years more to get to. I'd better get to planning our graduation post!!