Vestibular Fun!!!

These exercise balls are great for doing all kinds of vestibular work.

Crawling Back View

This is the view from the back to see how she has incorporated her toes into her crawling.

Homologous Stretch

I figured out this can be done best with her on top of me. I can control both her arms and legs at the same time. I have modified all of these so they can be done with one person assisting. What is in these vidoes was not possible a year ago. Our program has taken a long time because or her resistance and needing two people. Her level of cooperation has greatly improved. I'm not sure how it happened or why, but I think making it happen daily no matter what has made her realize there is no opting out. I think this time together everyday has helped with our attachment. Better attachment has probably contributed to cooperation. there are so many things going on, it's hard to know what is doing what. We have been doing the theraputic listening program for several months, maybe that has helped too. It doesn't matter at this point, it's the results that are important. I've run out of time to try things one at a time.
I had a better video, but I think the file was too big. I think you can get the idea from this open.

Startle

ATNR

Cross Homolateral Pattern?

Crawling

Creeping

Creeping

Pictures and Video

You can click on each picture to enlarge.
This is what our crawling mat looks like. It has a layer of foam padding underneath. The are the interlocking squares that are used for kids. I got mine at Sam's for $20.
they aren't the full width of the vinyl mat, so I used some smaller foam squares I already had. The blue tape is a guide for her to keep her knees together. Bette had suggested that I put tape down as a guide. We were pretending that it was a railroad track, so I decided to put tape across to make it look like tracks. The purple duct tape in the middle joins the 2 pieces of vinyl together, and she used to pretned that was the water. Anything outside the tracks is water now. Occasionally we play red light green light and the people have to pass. The heart shape stickers are there from before the tracks. Those were to help her keep her belly down. I would have never thought her crawling would progess to what it was. Not long ago, I asked Bette if she had become so proficient at crawing without using her feet that she may stay that way forever. She said no, much to my dismay... She was right. We now have a really nice looking crawl. I can't begin to tell you how many miles we have crawled before getting here. Our mat is 16 feet long, so one lap in 32 feet. So that has us crawling about 150 feet/day and creeping 300 feet. This calculates out to 20.68 miles of creeping and 10 miles of crawling/year!

At the end of our mat is out stamping station. I've included a picture of our mood stamps, they have been great. After each lap, we use a stamp as a lap counter. This has been a better way of counting as S is obsessed with counting and numbers. She hated counting 1-10, so I told her she could call them whatever number she wanted. For the 5 laps of crawling, we do 3 #9's and 2 #10's. It makes her fell like she is doing less. I have tried not counting for the patterns where we go up to 60, but she wants to count. She has learned counting to 60 this way, even though she cannot do this independently yet. The stamps have been a great way to count without counting.

We used to use a Leap Frog Letter factory toy where you would put in a letter and it would tell you it's name and it's sound. Every lap we would put a letter in. I also numbered poker chips so we could put a new one in line after each lap. Lap counters are a must for her. It has helped her learn to recognize her numbers. Creeping and crawling are the best times for learning.

I found my notes from the other day. I mentioned that I had these mood stamps and started a sentence with them. So her first response to I feel mad when....
was-"I'm mad when nobody loves me." Could she really feel this way? I was floored. Then she answered to I'm annoyed.....that you don't like me. This was 5 days ago. She hasn't come out with anything else like this. Today she answered to I'm happy when....you stop(NR) for hugs. Of course this called for a huge hug. Today during fetals, she was doing it wrong and I corrected her. Now she does these ontop of me so I can move her legs and keep her in a semi-fetal position. She flew off of me and said she didn't want to be ontop of me. I told her it was okay and she could do them on the floor next to me. She went ahead and did them without anymore problems. One day, we were playing with a throw blanket and hiding under it. I pretended she was in my tummy and then was 'born' when I lifted the blanket. Once, I did it partially hiding her under my shirt. She asked to do this today and I did. When she was born, I said, "Oh, what a sweet baby girl, look how beautiful she is!" all the while touching her like she had just been born to me and I was admiring her every detail. She said in a sweet little voice, "I love you." She said it with feeling like I have only heard a few times before. She wanted to do it again and we did. this time I was more elaborate, "Oh look, it's a girl! I always wanted a baby girl! etc, etc. She said she loved me again and it felt like we really could have been taken back to the moment she was born. I do love this venture we're on, even though it really hurts me so to know she has been so heartbroken at such a tender age. I would have never believed that a young child could hurt so much from being adopted. I really want to be to the point where she can just enjoy her childhood fully without worrying about such big things and just worry about normal kid stuff.

I Should Have Expected This

I kept thinking to myself, I'll have to check how long things have been going really well. It seems like such a long time since there has been any resistance to doing our daily NR. I shouldn't have had that thought because sure enough, today was different. This morning, I mentioned something about the story she told me about when she lived in China. It was in response to something she said earlier, so I didn't bring it up on my own. Then later she saw the first baby picture we have of her. She said, "I'm adopted." It's because that is the picture I have in her adoption books. Then when we were doing her exercises, she didn't want to do them. I told her that it would help her do the things she wanted to and help her brain and body work better together. I also mentioned that when she tried to talk and said the same word over and over again, her exercises would help with that. I think this was the first time she was embarassed. She said later that she wanted to talk like that. So don't I feel like the worst mom in the world after that. We went through many starts and stops, and she kept on asking for hug breaks which was great. I have only heard, "I love you mommy and I DO need you." She even resolved her issues with her sister being away for 10 days and said she loved her and needed her too. I really hate that she is tormented like that, but so thrilled that she is showing that she feels many different emotions. I found her big sisters old mood stamps. We play with stamps after each lap of creeping and crawling. I start off a sentence saying I feel (fill in the emotion) when(fill in the situation) asnd then I ask her to do the same. This is yielding some results. We have decided on a school and I hope it works out. The good thing is that is starts almost a week later than my 8th grader. So at least we will have a little time in between to get used to things. I am looking into working part time near where she goes to school to pay for some of the gas. We will be driving 30 minutes each way and in the begining, she will only go 3 hours. I will need to find something to do while I'm waiting. We might start vision therapy and that is 45 minutes away. We will be going 1X/week for her sister, so we will be in the car a lot.

Busy Day

Today started off with an appt at a prospective school. I was expecting it to be an obligatory stop just to say I exhausted all possibilities. I ended up really liking it and now my decision is even more difficult. I have an email in to the other school and I guess their answer will help me decide.

Next up was our 5 year check up at the pediatrician. The bad news is that the wax is back in her one ear. We have been vigilant about using drops daily. She did not cooperate with the hearing test, so we don't know if she even hears out of that ear. So looks like we'll be back to the ENT. She got 3 shots today, what a brave girl. She watched them do it and screamed the entire time but was quiet the instant it was over. She knew it was time to leave and that everything was be over, so she was happy.

We did most of our NR today even though I was hardly home at all. We just didn't do our fetals. I think with all she was through today, we can skip them for one day. It looks like we are going back to dairy since it didn't make a difference. We are going to try a supplement called Pediakids for anxiety. I checked out the ingredients with my pediatrician and she said it would be fine. Hopefully it will make a difference.

We are having a lovely Sunday all alone together. We did our NR work early this morning, so we have the entire day free! It feels wonderful. I'm not sure how we'll work things once school starts. Tomorrow I'm back to making phone calls. I sure hope I can feel good about where I send her, not just good, but really looking forward to it. Does such a school exist? When I last spoke with the school we will probably choose, they were going to have 8 children in the K class with a teacher and an aide. How can that not work out, right? I hope to get some videos posted in the next couple of days.

Well, we are still doing the dairy free thing. I don't know if it's just the circumstances of summer or other things, but I have noticed an increase in imaginative play. Maybe it's because I try to keep her away from TV, computer etc. It's just her and I for 3 days. It's exhausting but wonderful at the same time. She hates that everyone is away, but she's having fun. She is very mad at sis #3 who is visiting Grandma. She talked to her on the phone yesterday and said she didn't love her and didn't miss her. They are the closest, so she is most mad at her.

We are on a multivitamin now, liquid of course. I am sneaking the fish oil back in, but she could probably have more. I may have just written about this, but I had been giving her vitamins without iron. They look just like the vitamins with iron, so I just grabbed the wrong one. This is horrible since she was low on iron and I just got it to where it should be. I hope we didn't go low again. So maybe the addition of vitamins is giving her what she needs. She is BIG into letters the past few days. She can sound out and spell a few words and she is so excited. We are too!!! So I guess she is pretty much ready for kindergarten. She knows all of her letters and sounds and knows her numbers at least to 10. She can write all of the letters and numbers too. The good thing about the school she may go to is that they will take her wherever she can go, not just grade level. She has big potential in many areas. Maybe this will work out after all. NR went great today!

Bad News or Is It?

We just found out that the school we were planning on S attending didn't accept her. We spoke with someone back in May that made it seem like a done deal, all we had to do is make a decision and let them know. She was supposed to let us know when they hired the new teacher so we could interview her. I didn't hear anything, so I decided to email her about 2 weeks ago. I finally made an appt to see the principal last Thursday. She made it seem like she would get back to me soon. I emailed the original person who I spoke with in May and I didn't hear back from her. The principal called me today and said they decided not to take her because there was no one else her age in this program. It didn't really make sense because they want her to eventually be with the other kids in the regular classroom. There are only 8 or so children in the entire program K-8, so no one has more than 1 person their age. I am really upset that they couldn't have let me know sooner or let me know that she might not get in. Now I'm forced to look at another school and decide by next week. She has to be registered by 8/2 for her scholarship. I have to accept that it was meant to be this way and when one door closes, another opens. Maybe this other school will be the best thing for her and all will work out great. I just hate that I don't have many choices. NR went great today, hallelujia!

Last night she asked me, "Do you love me?" I was so surprised to hear her ask that. I tell her I love her a million times a day. She seems to really be processing her emotions. She clearly doesn't understand so much about interpersonal relationships. When her sister said she couldn't do something, she said she was sorry and that she made a mistake. The therapist wants me to teach her these phrases, but she is obviously just regurgitating them and doesn't understand the meaning.

New Pattern

We were given a new pattern to try today and wait to see if there is any reaction. Any of the fetals can bring things up, so this new one could bring some bad stuff. We know from experience to start slow and proceed with caution. We are hoping to work our way through her anxiety by doing these. NR went really well today, it definitely goes better earlier in the day. I'm the one who needs the encouragement to get moving. Bette will be in my area in about 6 weeks. It can't come soon enough, I need to hear some good news. S isn't good at changing her NR routine, so I'm not looking forward to that. I have added some things in on my own lately and she does fine with it. I asked her older sisters if they saw a difference since we went dairy free and they thought she was more energetic(that's not a good thing, she has the energy of 30 people). We still haven't potty trained for #2 yet, I don't know what we'll do when school starts. If it's only 3 hours/day, it shouldn't be a problem. I just hope that she isn't afraid to use the potty at school and they end up saying they can't handle her. I shouldn't worry about what might happen, I keep forgetting that worrying is a waste of time and energy.

Day 4 Dairy Free

Although I haven't noticed any big difference with dairy free, I am going to give it a few more days at least. Today she walked past a construction vehicle and it made a huge noise. Her sister was walking ahead of me holding her hand ao I had to ask her what her reaction was. Normally she would have jumped out of her skin and they told me she just asked what the noise was. Her usual anxiety in her own home is pretty much the same. Exercises took a little more time today but still went well.

Yesterday was a better day but I'm wondering if going off of dairy can cause some regression. I can't imagine, but she just seems more emotional. Last night her sleep was so restless, I got limited sleep as a result. Her anxiety has not changed at all so far. I'm not giving up yet, but this is discouraging. I am wondering if going dairy free is allowing her brain to clear a little and she is just processing more, making her a little more sensitive. I wish I knew the answer, I really hate the trial and error. Wouldn't it have been nice to see the instant results like the other family that tried it.

We blew through exercises today, it was wonderful! Then we went to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie. It was cute and she did really well. I had to have my hands over her ears because of the deafening previews. Why is the volume so loud anyway? She did enjoy it though, but next movie we are just going to bring along her headphones. I wish she could tolerate earplugs, at least they would be more presentable. This morning, I turned on the TV and she asked me to change it after a while. She commented at one point, "Look at all the happy faces." What a thrill to hear her make such an observation. she studies expressions in books for a few months now, she is really trying to figure out facial expressions. I just got her a series of books that seem like they will do a good job of teaching some social skills. they are the old Little Miss and Mister series. If I remember, I will post how they are.

Last night was horrible. S went for a walk with big sis and her boyfriend. She had a flower and dropped it on the way home. Big sis doesn't realize how careful she needs to be with her words, and I think she said something that S perceived as rejection. Somehow, she was saying she didn't want the flower anymore even when big sis wanted to pick it up for her. At least that's the story I got. She came home really upset. This just snowballed into another area, what to wear to beg. She had the dress up outfit on and wanted to wear it to bed. I told her it wouldn't be comfortable earlier but didn't say no. So she started asking again and after this incident and it being bedtime, I said yes. All was well until she said she wanted to wear it tomorrow for exercises. I said no, but she could wear it to bed. On a normal day, this would have been fine. I took her upstairs to bed and it just got worse and worse. She wanted it off now for bed. I had this long talk with her about how I don't know how she feels because she says the opposite when she doesn't get her way(per therapist). She was in stuck mode and going back and forth, so I just told her that if she was going to keep saying the opposite, that I would make all her decisions for her and that she would not be given a choice. She said she wanted the outfit off and I told her it stays on because I don't know how she really feels. It was a horrible exchange, but I felt that was the right thing at the moment. We got into bed(both in my bed) and she continued. Then she said she wanted to be alone in her bed. I knew this wouldn't work and that she really didn't want that. I told her that I was making the decisions and she was going to stay in my bed. She clearly needed me, but had to say the opposite. She would have stayed in her bed to prove me wrong, at least temporarily. She has to act so strong sometimes, it really hard to watch. I told her I needed to leave to get ready for bed and she yelled, "Ditch me, I want you to ditch me!" I told her that I don't ditch anyone and that I would be back. When I got back, she needed to lay ontop of me and eventually next to me. When I pulled my arm out from under her, she was so insulted that she just moved away completely. I woke up feeling as horrible as when I went to sleep. I hope that this is short lived and that she wakes up her happy self. She does still have the outfit on, I hope taking it off to get ready for church doesn't bring it up again.

Update-she woke up like I did, remembering the whole episode. She ended up saying she didn't want to wear the outfit from last night when I told her we would be changing it for church. She had a white tank top underneath that she left on after taking her outfit off. She said she didn't want that either and after discussing it with her to no avail, I took it off in a little fit of my own and flung it across the room. She just layed in my arms for a long time, then was over it and went upstairs where we chose an outfit to wear. Everything was fine after that. We got home from church and after lunch she decided she liked the clothes again. She has them on now. Why do I perpetuate this with her? I actually try to diffuse it as quickly as possible, but hse refuses to let things go. The past couple of days, she gives a little soft punch when she wants attention. This usually happens when we are out and talking to someone. I told her this was not acceptable and that I gave her a little signal to use when she needs to get my attention.

Nothing New

We ended up skipping yesterday because I ended up being gone 4 hours and it was just too late. Today went well even though we skipped a day. As a matter of fact, it went really well. It was just the 2 of us home for most of the day and we had a great day together. Today was her first day 100% of dairy. I haven't noticed any difference with anything. I am going to give it at least a week and see if there is anything. I attribute it to a retained moro reflex. The more I read about it, I am convinced that this is the reason for her anxiety. She test positive for it, there is no doubt about it. The good news is that there is more I can be doing to inhibit it. Now I just need to implement it. Some of the exercises that I have found are too difficult for her. I have contacted Bette to see if she has some suggestions. I have a phone number for someone who does cranial sacral therapy, so I will call them on Monday.

An Emotional Day

I am just loving that fact that attachment is taking off so, but it comes at a price. S is getting anxiously attached to me. Yesterday I needed to accompany big sis to at least a 2 hour appt. S kept saying, "I don't want to be away from you." OMG, so now what am I supposed to do? I wish I had a direct line to a councelor at that momment to tell me what to say. It all worked out in the end, but I felt so horrible to have to leave her. I ended up pacifying her by telling her she could go to the next appt with me. This finally diffused her, she was not letting go. So while I'm thrilled she finally wants to be with me, I don't know what to do. I hope this doesn't happen when she goes to school. I can't worry about things that may never happen, it wastes too much energy. She wanted me to sleep with her in her bed last night(she's in a toddler bed). I told her I had to leave once she went to sleep and she seemed agreeable. Since I was so guilty for what went on earlier, I decided to stay with her when she woke up when I tried to sneak out. I brushed my teeth and got my pillow and came back to her. She hugged me tight and said, "I love you and I DO need a mommy." It made it worth sleeping in a fetal position crammed in a toddler bed. I woke up at 5AM so cramped and in pain, I decided to leave. She didn't wake up. You can tell she has older sisters because she says to me, "Don't ditch me in the night." Gotta love that older sister influence-NOT! We got through our NR in record time yesterday, hope it goes that well today.

Last Night

We didn't get started last night until too late. Although we only got our creeping done, we accomplished much, much more. After negotiating, pleading, etc, she comes out with, "I want to be away from you." So I said, "It's okay if you want to be away from me." "I still love you and want to near you." She said one more, "I want to be away from you." I replied with, "I know you feel that way and it's okay, but I'll miss you while you are away from me." This prompted her to immediately run into my arms saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I am considering these huge breakthroughs. After more time had gone by, she told me the same story about living in China. This time was a little more detail. She also told me a story that made me think that she remembered leaving the orphanage to be adopted. It was a little fragmented, but she said they put a diaper on her, got in the car and told her to wave bye bye to China.

Words I'll Never Get Tired Of Hearing

Today was our OT appt. We are on our last CD of the Theraputic Listening program. On our way out, I stopped to go to the restroom and S waited outside with daddy. When I came out, she ran to me like she hadn't seen me in 10 years. I swooped her up and we hugged. She told me she loved me and I said I loved her too. Then she something about her heart, but it was an unfinished sentence that didn't make sense to me. Then she asked if our hearts were full and I said yes. She asked what they were full of and I told her love. This made her happy and she hugged me even tighter. I have been emailing with another mom and I was telling her the differences with parenting S and my other kids. It was great to write it out because I made a list of the things I notice and appreciate more because of our difficulties. Today as I was watching her put a cup to her mouth to drink milk at OT, I was realizing how much I appreciated this small accomplishment. She also ate 2 small pieces of chicken for the OT. I thought she would gag and throw up, she looked like she would. The OT made her keep it in her mouth, and I almost intervened. It was a fine line between encouraging and forcing. She always has the option of spitting out something new. I am so thrilled with all she can do, even if it isn't what the other kids can do. She might make it there someday, if not, we sure will have fun along the way. There's lots I've never accomplished and it's no big deal. The things I have accomplished far outshine what I didn't get to do. The same will go for my precious girl. She is a star in my eyes, and there's lots more to come from this special little girl. My other kids have sacrificed so much for her, but what they learned in the process has been so much more than they have given up. They have experienced so much more of life than most people ever will. Hopefully through our experiences, we will be able to encourage and help others.

Another Great Day!

We got through today faster than usual, but with some delay. She said she needed a hug break, so I aksed her how she was feeling. She answered sad. She didn't really know why. While we were creeping, she said in an excited voice that she needed a mommy and answered a lively I love you in return to mine. I hope this continues and that she is feeling a little more secure, especially after dropping the huge bombshell about her past. How I wish it weren't true, but the detail she gave me she could not have known any other way. I am so grateful for others' pictures from the orphanage, otherwise I couldn't have confirmed what she said. I didn't even see the detail she described when we were there. I'm still so angry over it though, and it makes me wonder what else happened.

I think back to how far we have come and can't believe what we have accomplished. Just recently, she has been able to control her tongue movements a little. She can finally stick out her tongue. Tonight in the bath, she was moving her tongue back and forth from one side of her mouth to the other. This is the first time she has done this. I remember that she wouldn't let a toy near her in the bathtub, she would just push it away from her. Things that took others kids hours, days, or weeks have taken years for her. Basic things such as knowing if she is hot or cold, wearing different texture clothing, eating anything solid, using a cup for the first time, finally being potty trained for #1 at 4 1/2 years old, coming to us for comfort, reacting to pain, eye contact, looking to us for approval and caring about praise. This is just a small list of the obstacles we have overcome in the past 3 1/2 years. I can't wait until she has her first playdate, her first sleepover, her first dance class and many more things that every child should have. Some of these things seem so elusive right now but I'm confident they will happen.

Big Stuff Today

Firstly, S started out with, "I do need a mommy", followed by "I love you" and another, "I do need a mommy." I responded with and I love you and I'm so happy you need me because I need you too.

We have been doing one pattern or exercise and then stopping to do something fun. Out of the blue she said she was a baby, then she said she was sad, then porceded to tell me something bad about what happened to her at the orphanage. She even said what other people said. It had something remotely to do with something the day before, so I thought for a moment that it could have been some sort of extension or projection to her life in China. I am not going to post the details, but it was enough to make me want to cry and be angry at the same time. I guess I sort of doubted her memory could be so vivid, so I asked her hours later about it. I just asked a detail and she came up with two that were very specific and she wouldn't know otherwise. They were two details that she never saw pictures of or that we ever discussed, but I know to be accurate because I saw pictures. I am really amazed that she was able to tell me any of this. Of course knowing this now is so disturbing, I think I'm the one who will need counseling for it. Have you ever learned something that happened in your childs past that was so hard to wrap your mind around? I would love to know how others have handled that. It just took me by surprise. Tonight after her bath, she told me she was so happy. I told her I was happy that she was so happy. She said, "I'm big happy with you mom" How exciting is that????

Looks Like We're Back in the Routine Again

So today went well. We got a late afternoon start, but it still worked out. I'm so happy this was short lived. I am so excited about her participation, it is making it so much easier. I am going to try to video her doing the exercises. I'd also like to share my ideas to make this easier for others. That will have to wait for another day, hopefully sooner than later. We had a phone consult with an attachment therapist today, I am anxious to get started with her recommendations. We're really at the perfect place for things to start coming together.

Struggles

It's been a rough road getting back but we did it. After delaying, arguing, and complaining, she got to work and completed it. It was the first time she really listened to reasoning. I talked about her delay tactics, my feelings regarding it, wasting time, and just doing it and getting it over with. I am definitely in panic mode since school will start in 4 short weeks! We're not ready for this.

Back to Work

We've been so busy with appts, so two nights ago we got back to our program. We got most of it done, and since it was our first day back, I didn't push for getting 100% done. Last night, we attempted to get started and it just didn't work out. Our sessions usually start out with more stops than starts. She will resist, then crawl into my arms and we snuggle. Last night, we did that and she almost fell asleep. I ended up just putting her to bed. Today we will do it early since we don't have any appts. She is having such a hard time with perceived rejection. She is putting herslef out there to be loved, and when someone can't be with her, she is devastated. One of my daughter's friends is visiting and she really likes her. Yesterday she wanted to hug her, but she had just come back from a bike ride and was all sweaty. She said no and it sent S into a tailspin. She felt so badly that she was rejected. I explained the situation to the friend and she hugged her anyway. Also yesterday, she wanted to stay in the bathroom with me and I said no. She ran out screaming, "I don't need a mommy!" She is having such a hard time with feeling rejected. It is so hard to know what will hurt her, I've been trying to think about everything before I say it. I am trying to eliminate "No" from my responses to her. I re-phrase it and it has been very helpful. Never in a million years did I think she could possibly feel rejected by the word no. I never thought I would need to tell her she would live with us forever, that I would love her no matter what she did, and that she was safe with me. Why would she feel any other way? Because she experienced early neglect and the loss of the only caretaker she knew. The effects of that are something that traditional parenting doesn't take care of on it's own.

Another Sick Day

My poor little one is sick again today with a fever so we aren't going to get anything done. I was thinking back on our journey and realize so many things I worried about are no longer an issue. It gives me hope that all will be resolved with time.