I Almost Forgot

I had to go somewhere last Sunday and I made sure to say goodbye to S before I left. She told me to wait so I could give her a hug. She usually just says bye and isn't overly concerned that I leave. Then when she came up to me to hug, she said her heart was empty and she needed me to fill her back up with love. After a few seconds, she said she had enough, but I pulled her close and she protested a bit. I told her I was giving her a little extra just in case and she happily hugged me longer. These are such little steps, but they are really huge moves for her. The fact that I haven't needed to consult the attachment therapist in almost a year is proof of the progress. The techniques she gave really work and we haven't had anything bigger that needs addressing. I'm thrilled for her progress.

Teacher Report

I just got an email reply from the teacher and she said things are going really well. We have a conference set for next week and open house is Thursday. Maybe the sleep issues are due to her possibly getting sick. I opened her lunchbox today and she barely ate anything. She made it sound like she got carried away talking to her friend and then ran out of time. I don't know what really went on. On one hand it's good that she is having fun, but not good that she didn't eat. Being hungry is a big trigger for her. On the way home today, she told me that she likes her old school better because they did more work. That was exactly what she was worried about this year, too much work like the old school. I guess she would rather be stressed than bored. I told her she could move up to first grade, but she said she would next year. She's very black and white, she was told why she was in kindergarten this year. Hopefully she'll get used to the pace and be able to enjoy the time to play and learn that she can have fun and learn at the same time.

The Past Haunts Us

This weekend was a blast from the past. Friday night was a later bedtime because it was the weekend. S was going to have a 'sleepover' with her big sister. Big sister had to go somewhere and came back once S was to the point of no return. She wanted so badly to cry, but she didn't. Bid sis started to try to reason with her, then make her feel badly because she backed out on her. I always have to intervene, because her sister is only a kid herself, not her parent. Although she sees what theraputic parenting looks like and requires, it's hard for her to understand that the usual tactics just don't work. All was well the next day after a good nights rest. Sunday was a different story. At church, we saw the child from 2 years ago surface. She just wouldn't cooperate and was generally grumpy. I could see it was mostly directed at her sister, who was going back to college that day. It is so hard for her to have her 2 oldest sisters come and go in her life. She just doesn't quite understand all of it, especially since they are close enough to come home frequently. Sunday night and last night were nights of fitful sleep. S was thrashing around the bed with such force, it was horrible. I usually sleep next to her now, but it was so bad that I went up to my bed. I really feel terrible and rather helpless for what she must be going through. I went ahead and sent an email to the teacher for a conference. She must be stressed about something, and I need to see if school is any part of it. I would have had a conference with her anyway, because I never really had the opportunity to talk to her before school started. I was lying awake one night thinking about how teachers have dealt with things in the past. They always seem to have bigger issues and my child doesn't seem to matter. I can see how that can happen, it happens in my own family with my own kids. S has taken priority to the other three since coming home almost 5 years ago. But just like in my own family, if one of my kids calls something to my attention, I take notice and give them what they deserve. My older 2 are doing great things, like getting a 4.0 last semester and taking a bunch of summer classes to get ahead. My 3rd is getting caught in the middle of all of this. I need to give her the attention she deserves too. So back to S, I need to try to get the school to see her needs as just as important as the next kid. The words of the pre-school teacher come back to me all the time, "I hope too much damage hasn't been done." She should be ashamed of herself. It all happened because she refused to trust that I knew her better than anyone. She refused to tell me what went on day to day. She felt she should be able to handle eveything and she had enough experience to cover any situation. I know exactly how my daughter must feel, how can you continue to trust when people say one thing and do another?

First Week of School

We made it through the first week of school. It was a long week. Whatever happened to half days for kindergarten or starting mid-week? I found out that S is one of only 2 new students in her grade. This makes it difficult to make friends, especially when there is an odd number of girls. I also found out that she has a lunch buddy and that she really likes her. I think I will have lunch with her next week sometime just to see how she is doing. She still comes home happy, so I am optimistic.

We go back for hopefully our last re-evaluation for NR. We haven't been doing our program since the first month after our last eval. S had to look at the arm she had extended during a pattern. Since her eyes alternate turning out, I could never tell if she was looking. I clarified with our practitioner that she needed to be looking and she said yes. I decided to wait until after her eye appt to continue. After our appt, we left for China a week later. We have been trying to catch up ever since. We also have vision exercises to do, we haven't started those either. Hopefully we will get set up to start this weekend. Essentially, we are done with NR, this new program is really just extra. I think we are going to have to call it to an end even if it isn't official. I was hoping to be finished with all therapy before the start of this school year, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I just can't do it all, and the vision needs to take priority. I hope this new vision therapy resolves the issues for both of my girls, especially since we are still paying for our previous vision therapy. Ugh!

More About School

So far so good with school, getting up in the morning is hard. I'm still hearing good things about school and she looks forward to going. When I asked what she liked best about school, she didn't know. When I asked what she didn't like, she said nothing. The best part is when I pick her up, she yells out, "Mommy!" and gives me a giant hug. Part of me thinks that she is surprised that I am there because she thinks she has been left there to stay. Before I adopted, I used to hear people say that their children thought they were being abandoned everytime they were left somewhere and my first thought was to blame the parents for not making them feel secure or pre-emptively bringing up the idea to them. I need to remember that when I tell people who aren't in my shoes, that they are in my pre-adoptive shoes and I have to understand. I wish that none of this was a reality, but it is and I have to deal with it. The hardest part is needing to convince other people to treat your child with compassion when they think it's all the parents fault. They just want to prove you wrong and "save" your kid from your overprotectiveness. It seems the closer you are to people, the more they want to oppose you. When I tell people about S's eating issues, they simply don't believe it. If they only opened their eyes and ears about it, they would see that she actually wants to eat. She actually tries new foods and will ask for the same thing that the other kids are eating when she knows she won't eat it! If she were just spoiled by me, she would flatly refuse to try anything new and would never choose to go hungry just to be like the other kids. Why do people refuse to comprehend that? My heart is starting to pound and I realize that I am ranting again. I've got to stay tough and get more creative for my little one. I think maybe it's okay to resort to lying, how pathetic is that?

School Report

I am relieved to report that it was a great first day of school, despite the teacher coming in later in the day. She told me today that S was the first to greet her with a hug. Yesterday, we heard all about what she did, which is quite the surprise. When she got home, the first thing she did was play teacher and school with her big sister. There was nothing negative at all. When I asked about what she did or what she learned, she said she colored and had recess. What a thrill it was for me to hear that they were doing kindergarten/age appropriate activities. At her old school, they would have been doing math and english worksheets all day. They had music and PE and I heard all about the fun things she did. I am so happy that she will get to experience what kindergarten really is. This school understands that acedemics is not the only thing to focus on. We went to bed early, but it took a while to settle down. She was asleep around 8 and had to get up at 6:40. I had to wake her up this morning and she was very lethargic and sleepy. I was happy to hear her tell me she loved me the first thing this morning. She spent the entire time on the couch, I felt bad for her. We walked into school this morning and she was ready to start her day. I am hoping that she has another great day, she deserves it.

First Day of School

I don't know if I was so exhausted that I slept too soundly last night or S didn't thrash around as much. She woke up early but then went back to sleep. I was hoping to not have to wake her up. She was happy and got ready without a problem. Drop off went really well, we got there early so we could settle her in. Lots of parents were there also, which made me feel good that there were other parents like me. They had a bag of play doh for each child to play with while everyone was getting seated and their stuff put away. It's the perfect thing for S. One little girl shaped the dough and poked and indentation in it and said, "Butt hole" I think she is crossed off the playdate list!! I will update after the day is over.

School

School starts tomorrow and we have had at least 3 nights with very restless sleep. When I ask, she says she is not nervous, but I know that she is. Maybe she just can't label that feeling. I was full of hope with this new school until I went to registration. I could see that I will need to take a very serious tone with them to get them to listen. Hopefully we will make it through the first couple of weeks without any big issue, and then I can have a meeting with them. I need to plan carefully to have the most impact with the fewest words. I am hoping that I don't need to go get a diagnosis to get someone to listen. I can't believe I have to go through this again. I don't want to give them last years letters because they really don't apply. We haven't consulted with the attachment therapist in a long time. That is actually a good thing. We haven't gone to OT in a year, so that won't help either. So I'm left with me, they never trust the parent. I hope this is different, they seem receptive. The one good thing is that they said they sent home weekly reports on all of the kids. There are 17 children in the class this year. That's a lot for one teacher. There are only 7 girls, I hate that there is an uneven number. Pairing up is so important for girls. An uneven number means one girl will always be left out. Maybe the teacher will pair up with the odd girl, wouldn't that be nice? Let it be special instead of being left out? I guess her solution will show how sensitive and creative she is. I hope I make it through her first day!

Must Be the Stress

Yesterday we had a terrible experience. Emotions from the trip and the anticipation of school starting next week must have finally reached the tipping point. Instead of the crying episode we have gotten in the past, this more resembled the dreaded "rage". Can this actually start happening at this point when it has never happened before? She wanted to be destructive and I didn't let her. I gently restrained her and it seemed like forever before she finally calmed down. It was actually sort of calm while it was happening, just persistent. There has never been any anger, only frustration. This time looked more like anger mixed with frustration and hopelessness. She yelled something out during this episode which validated my theory about what might have happened to her when she was young. These occasional outbursts of random things has given me puzzle pieces to put together. Hopefully she is processing things and I am able to help her get through it all. It stirs up such anger in me at the people who caused all of this. Kids should be able to be happy and not deal with this kind of stuff. The good thing about these episodes is that when they are over, everything is wonderful. She takes back all of the negative things she says. I keep telling her I'm glad she feels that way but that it's okay that she has these feelings and I want her to tell me about them. I look back at where we were last year at this time and we are so much better. It is such a slow process, but we will get through it. There are just a couple of things I need to tell the teacher this year as opposed to an hour long conference and a lot of uneasiness. I hope that things go well for her.

We're Back!

We got back two days ago now and are recovering from jet lag. Our trip was extremely difficult for all of us. Overall, S did great, but it was hard for her to be in the orphanage atmosphere again. It all worked out though, she spent a lot of time away from the kids and had the luxury of playing and interacting with them when she chose to. It was very interesting to see how they treated her and where they felt she fit in. The children ranged in age from 1 to 14, with several children older than her. She made fast friends with a 10 year old girl the first day, but decided she wasn't overly comfortable playing with her or the rest of them. The children were very aggressive, which scares her. The children were very protective of her, and initiated play with her. I think she learned a lot from being there, and my belief is that the more positive experiences she has in that environment, the better she is able to process her feelings about her first year of life. Honestly, I was pretty traumatized from the experience there. I was emotionally drained everyday, feeling hopeless to change the situation for them. I must press on and get past my own shortcomings to try to help these kids. Some of them were so smart and have such potential. Hopefully we can support them to continue with school. One 15 year old girl practiced her English with me while I practiced my Chinese with her. I would ask her a question in Chinese and she would answer me in English. She was the only one comfortable using her English, even though all of the kids that attend school learn English. There was one boy who was so eager to learn, he would ask me to read him the English words and he would write them on the board. All of us got sick at one time or another except S. I was sick the longest, and I still am recovering from a cold. It is so good to be home. S said things like, Home Sweet Home, and There's No Place Like Home. It was so cute. She starts her new school in 2 weeks, I am hoping for a good year. We need to get back into a routine for our NR and our vision exercises. S's glasses came in the mail while we were away. She couldn't wait to get back to wear them. They need to be adjusted, they don't fit her properly. She is excited about them though, and she looks adorable. My level of exhaustion right now is not making me look forward to the task ahead of me. At this moment in time, I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm still unpacking, washing clothes, and catching up on paying bills. It is so hard to be gone for so long. Hopefully in a week or so, I'll be able to write that I'm all caught up and ready to tackle everything. HA! Those are lofty goals! Let's see if I can do it...