Confused

I heard back from Bette about a question I had. I thought I had it this mood stuff all figured out and was so sure it was attachment. Although I still think that is most of it, Bette gave a neurological explanation also. She said that we still need more corpus collosum connections and communication for her logic and emotion to be able to balance one another. That is the really simplified way of explaining what she wrote, so it may not be exactly how she explained it. Since S is just being able to identify and feel emotion, she is very behind on her ability to express it. She still can't identify that you cry when you are sad. Our 15 year old Chocolate Lab died 2 days ago. She took the news well and has been processing it by asking questions. She said she was very sad, but didn't cry. She is worried that we might die also. I told her that we should live a long time, but that we trust God has a plan for all of our lives and that He has it all worked out. Yesterday, we did our NR even though it was Saturday. We missed Friday because of the dog, so we had to make it up. She was perfectly fine with it. We will miss an entire week, probably more because we are going to China. In the meantime, we will keep going in anticipation of graduating in April!

Good News

Yesterday was the dreaded ENT appt. She took the news well that we were going because the last 2 appt he didn't need to remove any wax. This time he did, and she screamed-loudly, but we got through it. When we left, she was the happiest kid in the world. We didn't get to our NR until about 7pm. She did it with such cooperation and happiness. We usually get this from her when she is stretched beyond her comfort zone. It seems like she sees how bad thing could be, so she is happier with what is. Hopefully this whirlwind trip to China will be great for her. I just hope she gets over jet lag quickly. She has in the past, so I think it will be okay.

Now the bad news, our 15 year old dog died today. I hope she can cope with it, especially since I can't.

Falling Behind

We took more than a few days off. Friday we had big sisters home, then the weekend(we take weekends off in the home stretch) and Monday was no school. It has become apparent that attachment is the biggest obstacle to getting our NR done. I think that now that we only have a few things to do, she is maybe not taking it seriously enough. I just don't know, I only know that this part is really hard. S is going through some tough emotional times right now and I'm not really sure I know what to do. Our 15 year old dog has days to live, so I don't know how that will play out. School is really getting to her, the teacher said she cried over her work yesterday. We have another conference set for Monday with the teacher and principal. We may need to go back to more half days which I won't mind a bit.

The good news about the past week is that S lost her first tooth!!! It got wiggly on a Wednesday and was out on Friday. I hope they all go that quickly. She looks absolutely adorable!! She was so excited about the tooth fairy, she said she can't wait to lose more. This was the kid who obsessed over losing teeth the minute she found out that her baby teeth would come out. She asked me daily until I finally showed her a diagram of it on the computer. Once she could visualize what happens, she stopped obsessing over it.

She had a really hard time tonight, so we took a bath first and then she did just a few of each of her exercises. I didn't want her to think she could get away with not doing them, I just waited until she was in a better mood and then got some of it in. She was very upset before she went to sleep and started to cry a bit like the one time before. She just gave a few loud grunts and then she was better. I told her she could continue if it made her feel better and then she said she didn't want to be loud and wake anyone up. I told her how sweet and considerate that was. I hate to see her like this, I hope it ends soon.

Best Day Ever

So as we lie in bed and talk, I ask, "What was the best part of your Valentine's Day?" She answered, "Loving you!" Then she said, "Let's go to sleep, I don't want to talk anymore." I guess there was no topping that one. Needless to say, those sweet words were the best thing I could have heard.

We did out NR without much issue. She started to get a little negative but it was quickly turned around.

I met with her teacher today and found out that her statements about me and her teacher not being proud of her work started a long time ago. I told her in probably too sugar coated a manner that I needed to know those kinds of things. She told me that she was at the top of her class and was doing great. She said that she has made tremendous progress since the beginning of the year. I also found out that they moved the baby room. I said I was considering holding her back and she said she hadn't even considered that but would honor our wishes and we could discuss it. I am torn about this, but the decision will seem clearer in a couple of months, depending on where she is going to attend.

Ahhhhh.....

Well, Sunday night was an absolute disaster. I was reading her a bedtime story and when I was finished, she threw the book up in the air. It landed on the bed, but I strenly told her not to do that again because it could have hurt us. She immediately went into the "I'm bad" mantra. I told her she wasn't bad, she just made a mistake and that I'm telling her so she knows not to do it. She just kept saying it. I know not to engage her and that I need to repeat that I love her over and over again. That always makes it stop. She started getting more forcefull with her tone, so I told her that was okay to yell it out if that made her feel better. She screamed it so hard her little body shook. I just held her and told her I loved her no matter what. The lights were out because it was time for sleep, but I could feel her little cheeks had tears on them. She was starting to wimper and take deep breaths like she wanted to cry. I told her it was okay to cry and that crying sometimes makes us feel better. She cried a little and then it all stopped. I told her over and over again that there was nothing she could say or do to make me not love her. I told her she was a sweet girl and not a bad girl, she was all sweet and not all bad. She drifted off to sleep soon after. She woke up around 3 and I put my hand on her to let her know I was there. She pipes up and says, "I'm all sweet now!" I said, "Yes baby, you are all sweet." It killed me to think she must have been thinking about it all that time. She woke up the happiest child I ever saw. I was walking on pins and needles waiting for fallout. It never came. She was happier that she usually is the entire day. We didn't get started on our NR until after 7pm. I was so afraid it would cause her to slip into her mood. That never came either. I told her we needed to go out of order on our exercises which should have produced some opposition. I told her we needed to do the tonic neck because we didn't get to that one last time. Since this is her new least favorite, I didn't want to skip this one again if she started going downhill. I had already made up my mind that I wouldn't push her because of what had just happened the night before. She started doing them herself! I asked her to do 10 more because she started getting sloppy. She didn't even protest at that, even though I could clearly see that she didn't want to do 10 more. We did the rest of them together and nothing set her off. She went to bed without a problem and there was nothing negative.

This morning, we were running late for school and I was upstairs getting dressed. She was yelling to her sister from downstairs. Her sister was getting ready too and not able to answer her or fullfill her requests. I was getting so annoyed at the yelling, I went to the top of the stairs and told her to stop yelling and go sit on the couch until we came down. I can't think of a day that that wouldn't turn into her shouting how bad she is. She actually listened to me and went into the kitchen. I was irritated at my own inability to stay calm and regretted saying anything to her in a harsh tone. I cam down and thanked her for listening to me. We got in the car and everything was great. They are having a Valentine's Day celebration at school today, she has been looking forward to it for so long. I really hope this is a turning point for her and not a temporary thing. She has so much inside that is afraid to come out. We are going back to China in just a little over 2 weeks for only a week for a charity project I am starting. Hopefully it will be really good for her. Anytime she is stretched out of her comfort zone, she makes some major advancements. It is going to be exhausting, but I think each positive trip to China helps give her security.

What is going on????

I feel like we are back to where we were a year ago with some old behaviors surfacing. I am trying to figure out what is going on so I know what to do about it. Today, someone complimented my hair. As we walked away, S said, "My hair doesn't look good." I asked her what made her think that, no one said anything about her hair. Before that, the cat knocked a plant over. As I was going over to clean it up, she asked, "Did I do that?" I wish I knew what she was thinking and why. It's so hard when I have always kept things positive, I've followed all the rules for theraputic parenting. If I am doing everything I'm supposed to, how does this happen in the first place? I can't erase her past, as much as I would like to. How do I prevent the past from overshadowing her future? Yesterday, she had a clear memory of her life in China. She didn't want to talk about it when I asked her about it. I just hope I don't look back and wish I had seen something I should have done very differently. I am so analytical about everything, so careful to not make many mistakes. I see others who fly by the seat of their pants and everything turns out just fine.

I plan on a conference with the teachers next Monday. I am going to have to use some very strong wording to get my point across. I think they haven't told me about what is going on at school because they think the parents are the problem. I have been too nice so far, they haven't taken me seriously. The small school is great for her, but it has it's limits. I can't go beyond the principal, she owns the place.

This is Tough

Last night, we got through most of our NR. I am realizing each day that there is more and more attachment stuff coming to the surface. I'm glad we are going through it, but it's so hard to endure. She immediately goes into negative mode. If I correct her at all during the patterns, she stops what she is doing and starts saying negative things. Last night, I had the opportunity to act like her, which usually makes her laugh. She asked me to close something and I did what I thought she wanted. She saw what I did and said, "No, not that!" So I did what she would do, I started saying, "I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad!!!" She was really quick to say, "You just made a mistake, right? You're not bad." I was thrilled that she wanted to come to my rescue. Unfortunately, I didn't know the tipping point and I should have agreed with her that I was not bad and just made a mistake. I kept going a few more times with the "I'm bad" like she does, but it was too much for her and then she joined in saying, "Okay, you're bad." SO how did I repair that? I don't even remember now.

The past week or so, she has been hitting herself in the head when she is frustrated. She even pulls at her hair. I found out that she is having a hard time at school. She told me as much when I pressed her as to why she didn't want to stay at school for a long day. I found out from the teacher that there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't say that the teachers and I won't be happy with her work. WHAT??????????? With all they know, didn't they think this was significant? Why wouldn' they tell me that? I want her out of that school for next year. It would be too traumatic to take her out mid year, she likes going. I think this is all a small part of her day, so it's not like it's dominating her life. It is getting harder for her though, and I will meet with the teacher in a week. She will be out of school for a week because I have to take her out of the country with me, then 2 weeks later she has her spring break. After that, she has like 6 or 7 weeks of school left for the year. I think she has enough hours in that she can go half days the rest of the year if need be. She gets negative at home, and it's not my fault, so I have to give school the same benefit of the doubt-that they did nothing wrong to cause it.

A New Day

Today we woke up late which translates that S slept more than 12 hours. Right there is a good indicator that being tired definitely contributed to her feeling poorly. She is also fighting a slight cold. I had already decided it was going to be a short day at school today and she confirmed it. One thing I forgot to mention is that she tried to turn her back to me when she had her nightime bottle. I turned her back around and made her have eye contact. Our NR time is where she must feel like she loses control and it is a huge trauma trigger for her.

Today we got through everything relatively early. She wanted to stop but I only allowed limited breaks. Our goal was to have everything done before her sister came home from school. I finally heard back from the teacher and she suggested a time next week. I was hoping it would be earlier, but I guess I will take what I can get.

Tough Day

The good thing about doing NR now without the fetals is that I can see that just our time alone together can stir things up. I still can't be sure what triggered today's episode. She got right to work and asked for a break. I always give breaks because it works for us. She didn't want to go back to work for anything. We went to take a bath to break it up. She was saying some terrible things after bath time. She actually started to cry. I tried to get it out of her what was bothering her. After not getting anywhere, I went into answering everything by telling her I would love her forever no matter what. I told her there was nothing she could ever do to make me not love her. Thank God, this finally made her come out of it. She was very tired, so I decided she needed to go right to bed. We had story time as usual, and she told me that school was stressing her. I know they are trying to,make her more independent, and I think she feels too overwhelmed. Maybe she feels like they don't care about her any more. I emailed the teacher and haven't heard back from her yet. I asked for a conference, which has always been very difficult to schedule. We looked at a new school for next year today, but it was definitely not a choice. I think her admitting she was stressed by the work today confirms for me that she should repeat kindergarten next year. How wonderful would it be for her to feel confident. They are making her feel inadequate because her handwriting is poor. She said they said mommy would be sad that she didn't try her best. They make blanket statements and she takes them all personally. That has always bugged me when parents used to tell all the kids to stop doing something when it was their kid who was the one misbehaving. The kids who need to hear the correction never think they are the one the general statement is being directed toward. She has come home saying that I won't be proud of her work. I tell her I'm always proud of her no matter what, especially when I know she tried her hardest. I am just looking forward to the end of the school year. She said she likes school, so it isn't as bad as it seems. I know there will never be any school that is perfect. It' s just hard to see her hurting. This is giving us the opportunity to talk through things and hopefully work them out before she is too old. We signed her up for soccer, so I think that is going to be really good for her. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Back in the Groove

Starting back up was no prolem at all. On Monday, she asked me, "Are you still sick?" I said I was feeling better but still not great. She then petitioned to not start our exercises because I wasn't ready. I said no and she didn't protest. I was expecting her to put up a fuss, since that always seems to happen when we have a little break. Last night there were many delay tactics, but I went along with them for the most part. At the end, I just demanded we get our creeping done without stopping. She wasn't happy with this and then started to rant about me being upset. I just stayed quiet and kept moving. I remember how uncomfortable it was for me to creep on my hands and knees in the beginning, now it is nothing. I remember how her crawling was not progressing for the longest time and I discussed it with Bette. I thought it might just be her crawl and that it would never change. It ended up changing and she perfected the crawl. I can't believe February is here already! Before we know it, the end of school will be here. Hopefully we will graduate from school and NR at the same time!

In other news, S has finally shown happiness when daddy gets back from work. She used to ignore him when he got back and this last time, she jumped into his arms and was so happy to see him. How nice for her that she is able to fully accept her mommy AND her daddy now. Who would have thought it would take 4 and a half years to get here. But we're here, that's all that matters.