Mother's Day

This Mother's Day I am feeling extremely blessed. I still have a mother to wish a happy mother's day AND I am a mother to 4 of the most incredible children on the planet. Last night, S wanted me to stay next to her in her bed while she fell asleep. I told her I would come back to be with her a little later. She replied in the usual fashion, "I DON'T want you to sleep next to me!!" Whenever she doesn't get what she asks for or needs to do something she doesn't want to do, she will agree in a frustrated voice and say what you want to hear, even though you know she is not in agreement. I guess she can't be vulnerable. I went into her room last night because I felt guilty and she woke up when I went in. I was glad she knew I was there. Tonight, she wanted to sleep in my bed. I told her I would sleep in hers(she has a toddler bed, picture that!) When I came in and lay down next to her, she got this precious little smile of contentment on her face. Seeing that was priceless, I can't even explain. I love how she is letting go a tiny little bit at a time. It makes me appreciate the little things in life and to not take everyday things for granted. Today, she got stung by a wasp on the neck. She didn't panic but cried a little. She let me hold ice on it and fortunately she didn't have any allergic reaction. She even held a cold water bottle on it for a long time. She was so brave through the whole ordeal. So back to tonight, we had a nice little conversation and I was so happy I took the time to be with her. She said, I don't want to be away from you. If I didn't go to be with her, she would have yelled, "I want to be away from you!" So I told her to close her eyes and I closed mine. She said, "I love you" It was completely spontaneous. I told her I loved her and she said that she loved me more than the best and in the whole world. This is a repeat of what her sister says to her, but they do it back and forth as their little game. This was said to me just to say it which made it more special. What an amazing mothers day gift. Her attachment has been slow, but that makes me appreciate each step along the way. It sort of makes me think normal relationships are shallow. I know they aren't, because I wouldn't say that about my relationship with my other kids, but a relationship that's really an effort is appreciated at such a different level. This has come through very hard work and concerted effort. She is just beginning to be able to verbalize her early loss. She misses her nanny and is able to say so. I don't know if she misses the actual person, but she misses what she had and the only life she knew. Her entire life changed the moment she met us, and although her life is wonderful, she knows and feels it came at a high price. She has memories, maybe not conscious memories, but she knows there has been a loss. I never thought a young child could go through such trauma. It hurts me a great deal to know that her early neglect changed her brain and that is is taking years to heal. She is healing though, and the fruits of our labor are sweeter each and every day. I am so grateful to be the mother of my 4 amazing girls.