Hard words to hear

The past couple of days have been great, but with the great came some tough times. It's like she knows she's branching out and gets scared. I've been compling a post in my head about how we started out and all of the things we have encountered and conquered. What I've been hearing lately is, "I don't need a mommy!" I've asked for advice on the attach group because I have never seen this addressed and I want to make sure I'm handling it correctly. I tell her I need her and tell her it's okay to feel what she is feeling. Today after refusing to do her NR, she came to me for comfort right after saying she didn't need a mommy. I asked her if she needed a mommy and she said no. So I moved her away from me and said then you need to be over here and not with me if you don't need a mommy. She came back quickly and said "I do need a mommy!" I hugged her tightly and said I needed her to. Tonight, she wanted to sleep in my bed. I told her I would stay with her until she went to sleep and that wasn't good enough. She said she was scared. I remember this coming up a long time ago when we did fetals. I made her go in her bad and lay next to her with some books to read. She told me to leave and she didn't want me to read. I have seen this before and this is her-"If you aren't going to meet my needs, then I will continue to be independent and not need you" Oh how this kills me to know she is so conflicted. If she doesn't get things done her way, she will state in a loud frustrated voice that she wants exactly what she really doesn't. If I didn't know anything about attachment, I would think she were just stubborn. We are going for our second BIT on Thursday and Friday. I am hoping he can help her past this.

Fetals-how I hate these

I forgot to mention that everytime we do the fetal measuring pattern, S grinds her teeth in anticipation. It's amazing what emotions these can evoke. I wish she could tell me what she's feeling, maybe she doesn't even know herself. After all, these are pre-birth, so maybe it's just an uncomfortable feeling. She's still fighting 2 of our exercises, and it's a struggle every day. I thought summer would be easier, but it's not turning out that way.

4 Hours?

Oh my gosh, is it really worth struggling 4 hours to get NR done? She was so resistant today, but I just kept trying. Most of the 4 hours was waiting her out. When I threatened to punnish, she said, "I want to be punnished." I guess that's an attachment thing, she has to make it sound like she's always for whatever is going on. She has said several times during out NR, "I don't need a mommy." I just tell her that I need her and remind her of the things I do for her. I look at it as a good thing that she is expressing some feeling, even if it is negative. I've decided to go a little easy on the one fetal pattern, but we are plugging away because I need this to come out in the summer when we can better deal with it. She is saying really sweet things to me like, "I don't want to be away from you." Tonight, she asked what we are doing tomorrow. I told her that her sister and I were going to breakfast with someone. I was just about to tell her that she was going to stay home with her other sister when she said, "I want to go with you." I want to look at the menu and get something to eat." Okay, so I couldn't say she couldn't go after that. I have been doing quite a few errands without her the past few days, so I am going to let her go. I asked if she could be well behaved and she said she will sit and wait for her food. Luckily she eats a couple of breakfast foods, so it might work out.

I am looking at another private school tomorrow too. It's far away, but they don't charge above what the scholarship pays. I just don't know what to do at this point, the choices are so similar. I think she could use a small school to just get used to being in a school atmosphere. This pre-school year was a disaster on many fronts, but successful in some areas. I hope she can be in a regular classroom eventually, but if she can't, then at least I know there are options. I think it will get better as she gets older. Each day, she still improves a little more than the day before. I ordered a vitamin supplement that I might try. It is a liquid, which is hard to find. It doesn't have a ton of questionable ingredients like some of the things on the market. The only substance that has a calming effect is hop(s). I looked it up and it doesn't have any risks or side effects, so it's worth a try. We are going back for more BIT/crossinology next week. If the effects are noticable, we will do more over the summer. I am going to look for a cranial sacral therapist too. Today during our NR when she was out of control, I got her to lie on her back and put my fingers on the top and bottom of her feet. My thumb was just below the big toe on the top, and the other 4 fingers were together on the bottom right at the ball of the foot. This calmed her immediately, and she stayed there for several minutes. Her energy level is over the top and she never stops moving. Tonight, she was tired, so after her bottle, she just stayed in my lap. She even let me snuggle her a bit. We're making progress, but only one tiny baby step at a time. I guess that is all that feels safe. I stayed with her until she fell asleep last night and tonight. she said she wanted to sleep in my bed, but I told her she could when her daddy went to work because the bed was too crowded! We all need to be able to sleep or we'll all be crabby.

Light Bulb Moment

I can't believe I didn't see it coming. The last 3 weeks at church, S has been having horrific behavior. Like screeching, needing to be restrained and throwing her head back to try to get away. I had to take her outside yesterday, it was so humiliating. I was so surprised by this regression, I hadn't seen it in soooo long. I couldn't even relate to why it was happening. I really had forgotten that she used to be like this. I couldn't see it for anything but bad behavior. I realize there is always something driving this, but was just angry and frustrated and completely in the moment. I was in no position to help her, how pathetic. The one psotive thing that came out if it was that she remembered that I said I would punnish her at home since I was pretty helpless at church. I guess that was why I was so frustrated. How to you stop the behavior when you are out in public. I found myself wishing that I could spank her. Even if I were in the privacy of my home, spanking would only make it worse in the long run. I hated feeling so helpless to do anything for her or me. Once we were home, she remembered that she couldn't use the computer and used tremendous self control by not going on it and saying why she couldn't. What a huge step for her!!!! Anyway, my lightbulb moment was this morning when going through the attachment group emails. We added a fetal pattern, that's why this is all happening. (insert a big DUH! here) Why wasn't I prepared for it, I should have known. I guess I have too much on the brain for this. My daughter graduated from high school Saturday and we had a big party. I have been so consumed with graduation stuff, IEP and all things related, that I didn't have time to put two and two together. We had no NR for 3 days with all that has been going on. We need to get back today, and we will back off of the offending fetal. She has been so willing to do this one too. We will just go slower. Summer is a good time for regression. If only we can get through by fall......

School

I was wondering if the pre-school would eventually call to see where S was. It had been almost 2 weeks. They left a message and I will call them back on Monday. We had our IEP meeting and it went as well as it could. The behavior specialist was clueless and said that sensory problems could turn into behavior problems and they could be treated the same way. When I talked about her feeding issues, she laughed an evil laugh and said, "Ohhhh, _______ knows how to deal with that." I could just read their minds, mom must be keeping her a baby and this kid is soooo manipulating her mother. I can't send her off into their land for her to be re-traumatized. The lady who was leading the meeting said somthing to the effect of, we don't really know S, so this is hard. Reallly?!?!?!?!? Why not ask her parents who know her best? They don't even think of consulting her parents or current teacher, are they that stupid? OMg, it's really beyond my comprehension. I need to make another phone call on Monday to see if we are eligible for a scholarship. If so, we would need to take it and run or risk being ineligible next year. This means we would need to go private forever as long as she needed special help.

Our NR is getting better. We are doing the program almost everyday. We rarely miss a day, but I must admit that not seeing progress is very discouraging. I am hoping summer will be easier to do it since we have no schedule. I am in such a panic to get her anxiety under control. I am going to get all of the attachment books to see if we can work on that end of things a little better. I will explore BIT more if this next visit shows progress. I just got an email from someone who did many more hours than is usually done and she has had wonderful results. One side note that is great news-I was convinced that S's tummy crawl would never change since she was so proficient at doing it her way. I really worked on her getting her toes involved in crawling and now she is doing it nearly 100% of the time. So I think that our belly crawling is almost finished. Never thought I would see that day!!!

Mother's Day

This Mother's Day I am feeling extremely blessed. I still have a mother to wish a happy mother's day AND I am a mother to 4 of the most incredible children on the planet. Last night, S wanted me to stay next to her in her bed while she fell asleep. I told her I would come back to be with her a little later. She replied in the usual fashion, "I DON'T want you to sleep next to me!!" Whenever she doesn't get what she asks for or needs to do something she doesn't want to do, she will agree in a frustrated voice and say what you want to hear, even though you know she is not in agreement. I guess she can't be vulnerable. I went into her room last night because I felt guilty and she woke up when I went in. I was glad she knew I was there. Tonight, she wanted to sleep in my bed. I told her I would sleep in hers(she has a toddler bed, picture that!) When I came in and lay down next to her, she got this precious little smile of contentment on her face. Seeing that was priceless, I can't even explain. I love how she is letting go a tiny little bit at a time. It makes me appreciate the little things in life and to not take everyday things for granted. Today, she got stung by a wasp on the neck. She didn't panic but cried a little. She let me hold ice on it and fortunately she didn't have any allergic reaction. She even held a cold water bottle on it for a long time. She was so brave through the whole ordeal. So back to tonight, we had a nice little conversation and I was so happy I took the time to be with her. She said, I don't want to be away from you. If I didn't go to be with her, she would have yelled, "I want to be away from you!" So I told her to close her eyes and I closed mine. She said, "I love you" It was completely spontaneous. I told her I loved her and she said that she loved me more than the best and in the whole world. This is a repeat of what her sister says to her, but they do it back and forth as their little game. This was said to me just to say it which made it more special. What an amazing mothers day gift. Her attachment has been slow, but that makes me appreciate each step along the way. It sort of makes me think normal relationships are shallow. I know they aren't, because I wouldn't say that about my relationship with my other kids, but a relationship that's really an effort is appreciated at such a different level. This has come through very hard work and concerted effort. She is just beginning to be able to verbalize her early loss. She misses her nanny and is able to say so. I don't know if she misses the actual person, but she misses what she had and the only life she knew. Her entire life changed the moment she met us, and although her life is wonderful, she knows and feels it came at a high price. She has memories, maybe not conscious memories, but she knows there has been a loss. I never thought a young child could go through such trauma. It hurts me a great deal to know that her early neglect changed her brain and that is is taking years to heal. She is healing though, and the fruits of our labor are sweeter each and every day. I am so grateful to be the mother of my 4 amazing girls.

New Idea

We started creeping(hands and knees) with our new program. S's knees swing out to the side, so Bette suggested putting painters tape down on our mat to guide where her knees are supposed to go. I finally decided to do it, and surprisingly, she was totally into it! She was the little train trying to stay on the track. I have a piece of purple duct tape across the middle where I joined the mat together. She was creeping over it and said, "Watch out, we're going over the water!" So I decided to put tape all the way across the track to make it look like real train tracks. It is really cute and she was happily creeping along without complaining. She is so obsessed with numbers and counting until we finish. We do 10 laps in general, so she obsesses about doing 9 and 10 because those are the last ones. She says, I don't want to do one and two and three, I want to do 9 and 10. I told her I don't care what she calls them, we aren't counting anymore and I'll just tell her when her time is up. Well, that doesn't work, and I finally tell her to just stop asking. I know this isn't the best solution, but her constant questioning doesn't allow me to have one thought of my own. I think I'll ask for advice on the attach group, maybe someone can offer advice. I know obsessing is so common, and I really don't want to stop her inquisitive nature.

A Better Day

We had a better day today. I didn't have to fight or argue to get her to do any of it. I think it had to do with the time of day. I need to remember that. I am so happy that we are almost done with the school year. I didn't send her to pre-school today and pretty much decided we were done. Tonight she insisted she wanted to go back, and I tried to tell her that everyone would be finished for summer soon. I don't think she understands being out for summer. I haven't told the school that we aren't comiong back. I was considering going back to say goodbye, but I just don't know yet.

Update

Our new program isn't going well at all. I am completely worn out from all of the fighting to get her to do it. She gets so upset over doing it. She always says she wants to smoosh her ears and her eyes. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I feel bad for her, but I also need her to do her NR. I'm so torn, I have an email into Bette to see if there is something I can do differently.

When S got up this morning, she said she didn't want to go to school. I was relieved, but at the last minute she said she wanted to go. Well, it was a big mistake. She had a horrible day and I wish I never sent her. I don't know what I'm going to do.