Cranial Sacral

I totally forgot to wrote about the cranial sacral therapy session we went to last week. It lasted an hour and it was with a massage therapist. She works with a lot of kids and seemed to be really perceptive. S was really good with her and tolerated the session well. The next couple of days were pretty emotional. This could be partly due to the sleep issue, some to the therapy. the therapist said she could feel so much tension in her little body. She could tell me so much about her without me giving her any info. We are planning to go back. It looks like just when we are getting the physical issues resolved, the emotional ones are coming forth. I can honestly say I didn't see it coming. I can also say that because of that, I'm not really ready for it either. I have a conference with the teacher today at school, so I get to find out how it's really going...I hope. They report that everything is great.

Shocked

Today, while I was in the laundry room, I heard S start to raise her voice in her frustrated tone and I came out to see what had happened and who set her off. I am so grateful that I was able to remember what was said a few minutes earlier that neded up to be the trigger. My husband said she just started saying she didn't want her new Squinky toys, her new room, and she didn't like mommy, daddy or herself. What started all of this was because I asked her if she wanted to get rid of a toy. I explained that we get rid of toys she doesn't play with to make room for any new ones she got. She has gotten upset in the past when I asked her if she could give a few of her old toys or books to her baby cousin. So apparently this is what set her off and the poor thing would rather give up everything she loves now to aviod the pain in the future. I started watching videos of when she was younger and she did NOT want to watch them. Then I saw some of the baby toys that I am certain she would remember and ask where they were. So I am going to be sure to not show her any of those videos until I know she can handle it.

I saw a mother on a TV show last night and she had an autistic son. He had a photographic memory and he was able to give her directions to someone's house he had been to one time when he was 2 years old. I have a feeling her memory is very much like that from the things she has told me.

I was just thinking of our upcoming re-evaluation and my number one concern for the past several times has been impulse control. I just realized that it is not the top concern anymore. Although if you were to ask me if there have been any huge day to day changes, I would say no. They have been creeping up so slowly but having a cumulative effect. The changes since May have been profound. I am so excited about this. I tested her for another reflex this morning and she is better! I'm not even sure what it is called, but if you sit them on the floor and slowly tip their body to the side, they are supposed to keep their head straight while the body tips. She always kept her head directly in line with her body and now she keeps it straight!!! Wahoo!!! Even though I don't see huge leaps from day to day, they are happening inside her body. It seems like over the summer, things have been coming together at an accelerated rate. I hope I can report that the end is in sight after this next eval. When I read about the families who were on the 4-6 year plan, I want to scream. I even discussed with Bette "getting good enough." I hate to stop before we are fully healed, and I'm not planning on it, but if we are going another 4 years, I'm not sure if we can make it. We'll see when we get there, I need to focus on today. We took two days off in a row, but when we got back today, she acted like we never stopped. This was another first, maybe it means more progress.

Saturday-Has it really been a week?

I find it hard to believe that it has already been a week since I last updated. Things have been going well. I took her to her first cranial sacral appt. She did great for the entire hour. She has been sleep deprived, so that factors in her mood. She seemed to be in a worse mood overall, maybe a little easier to set off for at least 2 days following the session. I think we'll go back on a friday from now on so she can go through anything she needs to on the weekend. If she goes through it on a weekday, that would just compound her stresss levels. I'm trying to set up a conference with the teacher to see how things are going. We had a little bit of the "I don't love you/don't need a mommy" yesterday, but it was quickly over. I am getting so much positive lately, it's really wonderful. I don't know what is causing all of this good stuff to happen, but I am not changing a thing we are doing so it continues. It seems I'm always saying that we are making so much progress, but we really are. Like I said in a previous post, this process is broken down into hundres of thousands of steps, that's why it seems like we are always gaining so much ground. I decided we will do a little more BIT, because it can't hurt. A couple of days ago, during NR, she blurted out a single sentence that I didn't connect with anything at the moment. Then I realized that it had something to do with what she has been revealing to me. It's amazing what is coming out.

Remember the Good

Today I was realizing that with each new day I just get used to the new normal around my house. Sometime in the recent past, my daughter has transformed into a child who tells me she loves me several times a day. I get hugs and kisses. This is what every mother comes to expect, but mine has been a long time coming. I have been so happy about it that I forget sometime that we have just arrived at this new place. She has been telling me that she misses me and doesn't want to be away from me. To someone who has never been onthe road to attachment, this concept seems so foreign. I thought that all this should come naturally before I adopted. I just didn't know what it could be like. I can't tell you the risk she is taking telling me she misses me and doesn't want to be away from me. I started to tell her it was okay to miss me and she quickly said, "I want to be away from you!" I took a bigger risk and challenged her. I told her that she just said the opposite and tried to reason with her. She actually listened AND understood. She then said, "I don't want to be away from you." Progress. How hard it must be to be her and not understand. I think she really thinks that each time we are separated that we might never see eachother again. Today, she actually understood about being away and returning and said, "Like when daddy goes to work." YES!!!! the more she gets, hopefully the more comfortable and secure she will feel. So today my big revelation was that thing just might be okay after all one day. We are making so much progress it seems like we should have been there years ago already. It's not through any lack of effort on her part or mine, that's a fact. I never thought such simple living and functioning could be broken down into literally hundreds of thousands of little steps. Someday we'll be free of the yahoo support groups, the doctor and other practitioners/therapists, etc. Someday we'll be free to expand our world and do what we want, not just what we are able to tolerate. Someday she'll squeal with excitement at the thought of Disneyworld. She has shown me that even if that day never comes, there is plenty of life to be enjoyed. Today is a day to realize that we need to be grateful for what we have and don't worry about what we don't. We never know what tomorrow will bring, so we'd better make the most of today.

In a Mood

She was in a mood yesterday. She was so hard to deal with, but each episode was short lived. I think some of it was lack of sleep. She is great when she is not being challenged. I tried to skip creeping and crawling and go on to the next thing. She has established a little routine and doesn't want to get out of it. Sometimes when she gets "stuck" not wanting to do a certain pattern, I give her a choice of what comes next. That tactic usually works. We just stop for lots of hugs as much as needed. I want to take a day off today, but I don't think I'm going to.

Week Two

We made it through week two of school. The teacher said things are going great. She comes home with many papers done, I don't know how she does it. Could it be that she has made so much progress over the summer that she can sit and do seatwork? I will be so happy if this is true. Just when I am totally bogged down with all of this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can't even begin to hope that this is how it will continue to be. Maybe it's that there are only 7 kids in the class and 2 teachers? Maybe the kids are all calm and well behaved? I can't help but think they could be like the other school and tell me everything is great while they do their own thing with her. I know we have made progress, but has it been enough to accomplish this? I am NOT a pessimist, just a realist. Don't you think the teachers are wondering what we were talking about when they don't see it? Do they think we are crazy and overreactive? What about the letters for the OT and AT? I had them write separate letters to back us up so they wouldn't have to take our word for it. What must they be thinking? I will ask for a conference in a week or so. I would say if it continues for a month, they we can consider it the new normal. I AM holding my breath on this one. Oh, how I want it to be okay for her. She really deserves as much. At least the teachers will see what she can do when all of the conditions are right. If they fall in love with the amazing person she is, they will be able to understand her a bit more and be more willing to do what it takes to get that sweet little girl back to where she was. We go back for our re-eval in about 3 weeks. Maybe we will see the end near? I don't know how much longer I can creep and crawl with her. If we can take that component out, I think it will be a lot easier. Once she is in school full time, I don't see how we can spend an hour or 2 a night on NR. As it is, I have totally dropped the ball on big sis and her vision therapy. He wants to see her once a week now, and it's 45 minutes away! Add S's vision therapy ontop of that, and consider that I do this by myself. My husband is finally home after being gone since school started. At least he helps with the driving which is huge considering how much time I spend in the car. Enough whining for one post, I should be rejoicing that things are going well. I am exhausted, TGIF!!!

Wednesday

Our NR program is wearing me out. Thank God she only goes a half a day, I spend at least 2 hours getting her to do her NR. She is processing a lot of emotions during this time, so I really need to give her the time. I think she is having a memory of her early life. Another disturbing one which may explain a lot of her anxiety. The picture of her early life is getting worse and worse, I don't think it was very good. I am really hoping that these are just a couple of events that had a lasting impact instead of an ongoing situation. I think I am going to need more help to process this than she will. So far, nothing bad has come out about her nanny. For that I am grateful, because I think she is going to want to have a relationship with her one day. We just found out our cranial sacral therapist isn't available for several months. Insurance covers the CS person, but not the massage therapist that he recommended using until he could see her. It is taking all I have to keep up with all of this.

This Week

This week has been crazy to put it mildly. I'm not sure what to say about school, I just don't know yet. I hope it works out, but I still have my doubts. I was pleased to hear they did an activity that involved sensory activities. The had to pull letters out of sand to glue to their art paper. Each day she said she didn't want to go back, but was okay in the morning. We did the car loop one day and then she didn't want to do it again. If we don't do the car loop, then she will be late each day. They don't let anyone in through the front door until they close the car loop door. I don't think it's good for her to be late every day. I'm going to ask if she can go in early before they open the car loop making her the first one there. We did our NR everyday but Friday. We were exhausted by Friday and both needed a day off. Unfortunately we had to take yesterday off also because we moved her two sisters into their apartment at college. It's almost 2pm and we haven't started yet. I'm trying to catch up after being gone most of the week. This is going to be harder than I thought until we get into a new routine.

First Day of School

I'll try to write more tomorrow but the first day did not go as expected. I think all in all it was okay, but I am not optimistic about the future. It was the first time in her life that she said she didn't want to go back somewhere. I am so sad about all of this. It seems as though the school may not but true to their word, but I don't want to judge too quickly. More tomorrow.

Open House

Open house was tonight and it went well. As we were explaining the list of S's issues that we had to squeeze into 30 minutes, the teacher and aide looked a little overwhelmed. There are only 7 children in the class with a teacher and an aide. After our meeting, S came in and met her teachers. She greeted each with a gentle hug, and they seemed thrilled. She answered their questions and was very charming and sweet. I think all of their fears disappeared after meeting her. I'm really happy they got a good first impression. the best news I heard all night was when I asked if she were the only special needs child in the classroom and they said there was not one child in the entire school that wasn't special needs. Hallelujiah! I can only hope that she is the best behaved in the class and not the worst. My biggest worry was that the fumes from the paint and new materials was so strong that it gave me a headache. I hope it doesn't last long and that they air it out. Tomorrow is the first day and I am debating sending her at 9 when the reat of the kids arrive or start her at 9:45 when we planned. A lot of prayer is needed right now.