Unexpected Fallout

Well, I thought I was finished for today, but apparently not. I am actually writing this to document it for myself so I can report it in detail to the AT. She ran and sat with her back to my front as I was sitting on the floor with my legs outstretched in a V shape. She proceeded to push back hard against me to knock me over. I over reacted and picked her up and moved her away from me and asked her what she was thinking. This caused her to over react and think she was ALL bad. She quickly came right back to me and hugged me tight feeling absolutely horrible. I comforted her and asked her what she needed to do. she said she was sorry and I asked her to do it over again the right way. She refused, saying all kinds of horrible things about herself. Then we lay next to one another and she told me the bad things were back, referring to the bad feelings. I empathized with her and told her she could tell the bad feeling to go away. She said she wanted them. I proceeded to tell her it was okay if she wanted to have them there, that it was important to let them in there so she could get past it. I told her sometimes she had to feel the bad to feel love again. She said she didn't want to feel love. I told her that I had love waiting for her whenever she was ready to let it in. She said a bunch of things in this long encounter like not loving me and I just kept reassuring her that my love for her was always full and that I would be there to love her just as soon as she was ready. She said she wanted to feel nothing at all. I was devastated with that one, but I kept up with the positive. She can outlast me in just about everything, but I didn't back down. She eventually said she was ready for my love and I told her to put her heart next to mine and I would fill it up with love. Then it was over with just like that. Yesterday was the 4 year mark of her being with us and we watched the video. I told her what she was about to watch and made sure she wanted to watch it, she said yes. She said, "This is where I get a new mommy?" This is from the book I made her explaining that she had a different mommy when she was born. Maybe this was the emotion of that coming out today. If there is one thing I would like people to know about adoption is that you can't avoid the loss and the price paid for the ultimate gain. It is my hope that the pain will all be in the past one day and we can look ahead to a life of happiness.