Remember the Good

Today I was realizing that with each new day I just get used to the new normal around my house. Sometime in the recent past, my daughter has transformed into a child who tells me she loves me several times a day. I get hugs and kisses. This is what every mother comes to expect, but mine has been a long time coming. I have been so happy about it that I forget sometime that we have just arrived at this new place. She has been telling me that she misses me and doesn't want to be away from me. To someone who has never been onthe road to attachment, this concept seems so foreign. I thought that all this should come naturally before I adopted. I just didn't know what it could be like. I can't tell you the risk she is taking telling me she misses me and doesn't want to be away from me. I started to tell her it was okay to miss me and she quickly said, "I want to be away from you!" I took a bigger risk and challenged her. I told her that she just said the opposite and tried to reason with her. She actually listened AND understood. She then said, "I don't want to be away from you." Progress. How hard it must be to be her and not understand. I think she really thinks that each time we are separated that we might never see eachother again. Today, she actually understood about being away and returning and said, "Like when daddy goes to work." YES!!!! the more she gets, hopefully the more comfortable and secure she will feel. So today my big revelation was that thing just might be okay after all one day. We are making so much progress it seems like we should have been there years ago already. It's not through any lack of effort on her part or mine, that's a fact. I never thought such simple living and functioning could be broken down into literally hundreds of thousands of little steps. Someday we'll be free of the yahoo support groups, the doctor and other practitioners/therapists, etc. Someday we'll be free to expand our world and do what we want, not just what we are able to tolerate. Someday she'll squeal with excitement at the thought of Disneyworld. She has shown me that even if that day never comes, there is plenty of life to be enjoyed. Today is a day to realize that we need to be grateful for what we have and don't worry about what we don't. We never know what tomorrow will bring, so we'd better make the most of today.

In a Mood

She was in a mood yesterday. She was so hard to deal with, but each episode was short lived. I think some of it was lack of sleep. She is great when she is not being challenged. I tried to skip creeping and crawling and go on to the next thing. She has established a little routine and doesn't want to get out of it. Sometimes when she gets "stuck" not wanting to do a certain pattern, I give her a choice of what comes next. That tactic usually works. We just stop for lots of hugs as much as needed. I want to take a day off today, but I don't think I'm going to.

Week Two

We made it through week two of school. The teacher said things are going great. She comes home with many papers done, I don't know how she does it. Could it be that she has made so much progress over the summer that she can sit and do seatwork? I will be so happy if this is true. Just when I am totally bogged down with all of this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can't even begin to hope that this is how it will continue to be. Maybe it's that there are only 7 kids in the class and 2 teachers? Maybe the kids are all calm and well behaved? I can't help but think they could be like the other school and tell me everything is great while they do their own thing with her. I know we have made progress, but has it been enough to accomplish this? I am NOT a pessimist, just a realist. Don't you think the teachers are wondering what we were talking about when they don't see it? Do they think we are crazy and overreactive? What about the letters for the OT and AT? I had them write separate letters to back us up so they wouldn't have to take our word for it. What must they be thinking? I will ask for a conference in a week or so. I would say if it continues for a month, they we can consider it the new normal. I AM holding my breath on this one. Oh, how I want it to be okay for her. She really deserves as much. At least the teachers will see what she can do when all of the conditions are right. If they fall in love with the amazing person she is, they will be able to understand her a bit more and be more willing to do what it takes to get that sweet little girl back to where she was. We go back for our re-eval in about 3 weeks. Maybe we will see the end near? I don't know how much longer I can creep and crawl with her. If we can take that component out, I think it will be a lot easier. Once she is in school full time, I don't see how we can spend an hour or 2 a night on NR. As it is, I have totally dropped the ball on big sis and her vision therapy. He wants to see her once a week now, and it's 45 minutes away! Add S's vision therapy ontop of that, and consider that I do this by myself. My husband is finally home after being gone since school started. At least he helps with the driving which is huge considering how much time I spend in the car. Enough whining for one post, I should be rejoicing that things are going well. I am exhausted, TGIF!!!

Wednesday

Our NR program is wearing me out. Thank God she only goes a half a day, I spend at least 2 hours getting her to do her NR. She is processing a lot of emotions during this time, so I really need to give her the time. I think she is having a memory of her early life. Another disturbing one which may explain a lot of her anxiety. The picture of her early life is getting worse and worse, I don't think it was very good. I am really hoping that these are just a couple of events that had a lasting impact instead of an ongoing situation. I think I am going to need more help to process this than she will. So far, nothing bad has come out about her nanny. For that I am grateful, because I think she is going to want to have a relationship with her one day. We just found out our cranial sacral therapist isn't available for several months. Insurance covers the CS person, but not the massage therapist that he recommended using until he could see her. It is taking all I have to keep up with all of this.

This Week

This week has been crazy to put it mildly. I'm not sure what to say about school, I just don't know yet. I hope it works out, but I still have my doubts. I was pleased to hear they did an activity that involved sensory activities. The had to pull letters out of sand to glue to their art paper. Each day she said she didn't want to go back, but was okay in the morning. We did the car loop one day and then she didn't want to do it again. If we don't do the car loop, then she will be late each day. They don't let anyone in through the front door until they close the car loop door. I don't think it's good for her to be late every day. I'm going to ask if she can go in early before they open the car loop making her the first one there. We did our NR everyday but Friday. We were exhausted by Friday and both needed a day off. Unfortunately we had to take yesterday off also because we moved her two sisters into their apartment at college. It's almost 2pm and we haven't started yet. I'm trying to catch up after being gone most of the week. This is going to be harder than I thought until we get into a new routine.

First Day of School

I'll try to write more tomorrow but the first day did not go as expected. I think all in all it was okay, but I am not optimistic about the future. It was the first time in her life that she said she didn't want to go back somewhere. I am so sad about all of this. It seems as though the school may not but true to their word, but I don't want to judge too quickly. More tomorrow.

Open House

Open house was tonight and it went well. As we were explaining the list of S's issues that we had to squeeze into 30 minutes, the teacher and aide looked a little overwhelmed. There are only 7 children in the class with a teacher and an aide. After our meeting, S came in and met her teachers. She greeted each with a gentle hug, and they seemed thrilled. She answered their questions and was very charming and sweet. I think all of their fears disappeared after meeting her. I'm really happy they got a good first impression. the best news I heard all night was when I asked if she were the only special needs child in the classroom and they said there was not one child in the entire school that wasn't special needs. Hallelujiah! I can only hope that she is the best behaved in the class and not the worst. My biggest worry was that the fumes from the paint and new materials was so strong that it gave me a headache. I hope it doesn't last long and that they air it out. Tomorrow is the first day and I am debating sending her at 9 when the reat of the kids arrive or start her at 9:45 when we planned. A lot of prayer is needed right now.

Soooooooooooo MAD

We were just making muffins together and she told me something the pre-school teacher said to her. It came out because she had some of the batter on her hands and I told her to try to let it stay on a little while longer so she could learn to live with it for a while. This expression must have brought up the memory because she said that Mrs. XXXX told her to "live with it" when she had something on her hands. That constitutes child abuse when you know you have a child with sensory issues and tell them to just deal with it. I wonder how she would react if as an adult I told her to 'live with it". I would probably be arrested for harassment. Why aren't our children protected? How can someone purposely do that to a child? She really thought it was something she could change just by doing it. Yes, she could adapt slowly, that's the whole concept with OT. A gradual introduction of the offending item and a gradual adaptation. I can't believe I subjected her to that. They did a good job of hiding it from me. She wanted to go back each day, so I thought things were fine. I should have realized that kids go back to abusive situation because they don't know any better. After surviving neglect and abuse her first year of life, it just brought her back to the same environment. Maybe she thinks this is what to expect with all adults in charge of children. It makes me want to isolate her from everyone. She is more verbal now and so I think we are safe. She is getting much better with her emotional vocabulary. I just feel sick after hearing what I just did from her.

Tomorrow is the first day of school(I think)

Today is open house. We still don't know if school will start tomorrow because the building might not be ready. The school changed locations and they are under construction. We have 30 minutes to meet with the teacher before open house. I hope that is enough. How do you condense her life into 30 minutes? How do you prepare her without sounding like you are telling her what to do? From my past experience with teachers, they are all on the defensive. Her teacher sounded young, which to me is a good thing because she can't claim to know it all. Her pre-school teacher thought she had seen it all and that there was nothing else to learn. They are so flexible, so if they do what they say they will, it should all work out.Isn't that why you go to a private school? I hope and pray that this will work. She deserves a chance, just like any child. I wanted to write this on S's fact sheet to the teacher, but can't find a diplomatic way to write it. S is not a case study, she's not a child with a label, she's not an experiment. She has parents who are doing everything possible for her. Please treat her as an individual, unique child that she is. A sweet, smart, loving child. MY child, who I love more than I ever thought possible.

I have no idea what is going on, we didn't get half of the program done today. I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do. Something came out today that tied into something she has said the past two days in a row. It is very disturbing what I can think up with what she told me. I have no idea what is memory and what is just something random that she says. I thought the two days prior were random, but they fit in with what she said today. I don't expect I would ever be able to know for sure. I need to treat all of her delay tactics as emotional barriers instead of just trying to put off doing her exercises. We spent hours trying to accomplish it, but didn't get it done in the end. We didn't do any fetals, never even got to them, so we'll see if it makes a difference for tomorrow.

Rough Few Days

My guess is that worrying about school is the culprit. Her big sister started school on Wednesday, and she starts next week. We have been getting the same type behavior like when we start new fetals. I just don't know what to do or what to make of it, but I was hoping that things would calm down before school started. Maybe after open house she will be a little better. The unknown is scary to everyone. I'm nervous for her. We are being positive and upbeat and are using her sister's first day of school experiences to ease her fears. She cannot express her fears, she says she isn't nervous about anything. Then sometime she'll say she doesn't want to go to school. I am pretty sure it has to do with the whole potty issue. That is her biggest fear right now. Hopefully she will overcome this after a few days or even weeks. I want her to be able to stay at school for more than a couple of hours. Her teacher called today to let us know that open house had changed. She sounded really nice, I hope it works out. The right person can make all the difference for her future. I am not optimistic though, it's just too hard for people to understand. Because of her mood, NR has been difficult and time consuming.

We have another phone consult with the AT on Monday. I realized where some of her behavior is coming from. She is so afraid of being wrong or making a mistake, she will be disruptive to hide the fact she can't do something. There has never been any indication of this before. It is a common characteristic of kids with early trauma or neglect. They appear to have a perfectionist personality but it is driven by needing to be accepted. I hope to get a better explanation from the AT and what to do about it. I guess this discovery comes at a good time so I can explain it to the school. I can just see their reaction, spoiled kid! I hope they are willing to modify their correction techniques for her. I still think some of this is because of her pre-school teacher. Anyway, it doensn't matter who I can place the blame with, I just need to arrive at a solution.

The past couple of days have been a little rough, I'm not sure why. We started a little later in the day, that is usually an issue. She said she was sad today and wanted to be sad. I was patient and tried to talk her through it. I told her sometimes it's good to be sad to be able to get over what is making us sad. We have to get through the sad so we can be happy again. I told her if we talked about what was making her sad, maybe I could do something about it and make her happy again. I was shocked when she opened up about her pre-school teacher and the boy who misbehaved. She gets very upset when she sees someone else get punished. She also gets very sad when someone corrects her, she shuts herself right down. She takes it all personally. I don't know what this teacher said to her, but from what I learned from the teacher herself, it wasn't good. She had the victim share equal blame with the perpetrator. I think this contributed to her self esteem issues. I keep hearing her teachers words over and over again, "I hope too much damage hasn't been done." The pre-school is still sending me a bill for the last month of school when she didn't go there anymore. I want to send them our therapist bill and ask them to pay that because her going there contributed to her needing a therapist. I wonder what they would say about that.

Today after NR, she was playing baby with her sister again and telling me to help. It's very strange that she cries a specific cry, one that sounds like a tiny baby. She cries and then give that little cough sounding noise that babies make when they've cried themselves hysterical. She has always been disturbed by babies crying and finally was able to tell me that it was because of the babies in the orphanage. I asked why they cried and she said because they were hungry. I think it's great that she is willing to act this out through play.

I forgot to mention, she still sees her bubbles everytime she yawns. She almost always yawns during her fetals, but very seldom at any other times. Also, we used to have the teeth grinding during the fetal cross/measure, but now it starts during startle.

Developmental Optometrist

We went back to the Developmental Optometrist yesterday to finish up the last of her testing. I don't think we can get her into vision therapy yet because he is 45 minutes away and we just can't do it in conjunction with her sister's vision therapy. He mentioned that she performed better than any 5 year old he tested. This gave me the boost I needed to keep going with our NR program. It's getting to be such a chore and I'm burning out. She isn't, but I am. I guess it's easier to motivate myself than her.

One Notation

Just to let you know, we are still working on perfecting our patterns. Please remember that this is a representation of the patterns and that you should follow the advice of a NR practitioner for the exact hand/foot position/placement.

Last Night

I don't know what caused this, but last night she was constantly restless. I got no sleep. I'd like to say that adding milk back in the diet was responsible, but I don't think so. After going dairy free for so long with no results, I decided to gradually add it back into her diet. I started Saturday night. Yesterday, Sunday, she wanted to try to sit in the regular part of church instead of the quiet room. She did great!! She talked a few times, but was able to sit for an hour without being disruptive!!! This was a huge milestone for her. Her behavior was pretty much the same yesterday except when we were doing our NR. There was a bizzare turn of events. I didn't post this video, but on one of them, she tells me, "This baby is tired." I didn't know that was going on and thought she was being whiny. I was imitating the sounds she was making to try to get her to laugh and come out of it. I noticed tears and it had turned into sort of a cry. I tried to comfort her and she didn't let me. She asked her big sis(who was there to video) to be a baby and cry with her. She just looked at me and I whispered her to just go with it. I just watched not knowing what to do and she finally said, " Comfort us mom!" and so I did. She continued for a while and then it was over. I'm still not sure what to make of it.

I'm thinking it might be because of the new fetal pattern we have been doing. In the past, the new pattern has caused a reaction right away, so I'm really not sure. What makes me think it could be that pattern is that the past couple of days she hasn't wanted to do that one. Maybe we'll back off a little and do less reps. On a better note, yesterday before church she spontaneously said she loved me a bunch of times. Maybe this big growth in attachment is having a little conflict within her. I wish I could take it all away. How can a 5 year old understand all that is going on when a team of adults and her own parents can't quite grasp it?

I forgot the fetal cross and measure video

This one is the most difficult to get done with precision. I sort of have her head resting against my shoulder so I can lower her head making her chin go up to uncross and then push it back up for her chin to go down. All the while I am coaching her, chin up, chin down and cross. The positive to having her lie on top of me is that this one and the homologous stretch are a good abdominal workout for me.