A Minor Detail-or maybe not so minor

So tonight I was putting S to bed and I forgot I needed to change her sheets. I changed the sheets but not the pillowcase, because I had just changed it a couple of days ago. Her diaper leaked through, so that's why her sheets needed to be changed after only a day or 2. Normally, her pillow just gets tossed out of the bed, mainly for entertainment, so who thought it matteered anyway? The past couple of weeks, I noticed she neatly arranges her pillow on the bed. I thought this was a little strange, but she changes her routines all of the time. Back to tonight-I have only 2 different pillowcases that I use for her bed, one is solid pink(the one that was on the pillow), the other has a dog pattern on it. After I put her in bed, she was asking for the doggie pillow. I wouldn't have thought in a million years that she noticed the pillowcase. For the last year, she hasn't even used a pillow. This brings something horrible to mind. I had read a story long ago about a girl who had attachment problems. She was older, and one day she burst into tears and told her mother that she was sad that she gave away her baby bouncer. I am a saver of all kinds of things, particularly sentimental things. I have gotten S so many toys, most of them thrift store finds. As I did with my other kids, I always took cues from them about their abilities and interests, and got them appropriate toys, games, etc. So with S at such a disadvantage, I have gotten her more than most kids to help her catch up and develop. This leads me to the dilemma, what to get rid of? If she noticed the pillowcase, is she wondering where some of her old toys have gone? With a child who has had their life disrupted as she has, does she worry about what will stay and what will go? I'm talking about toys, people, her house? I just don't know the answer to that. I try to keep a toy that I'm going to get rid of out of sight for a while. That way if she should ask for it, I have hung onto it. How long before it's safe to get rid of? I wish I knew. Tonight I've discovered that she notices things I don't realize, so I need to re-think our daily life.

It's New Year's Eve!

Wow, what a year it's been. We have seen amazing progress, and that's something to celebrate! I just sat down for dinner with my little darling. Not very eventful for most people, but for us, it's an amazing accomplishment. First of all, S is sitting in her booster chair instead of my lap. Two days ago, she asked me to identify a slab of play jelly and a slice of bread. After I told her, I asked her if she wanted to try a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She said yes, so I excitedly went and made her a half of a sandwich. Much to my surprise, she ate it and loved it! So tonight, she sat next to me and proceeded to eat 3/4 of a pb&j sandwich, along with several animal crackers. She even pretended to drink out of her sippy cup. I actually think she got a drop or 2 into her mouth and she didn't panic. Her speech is amazing and her vocabulary is remarkable. She pretended to 'read' a book and kept using the word 'corporation'. It was hilarious. We think she must have gotten that from watching PBS. She really picks up on everything, so I just use an adult vocabulary around her now. She still isn't able to communicate with us like we would like, but I'm not so sure it's because of her inability to do so. I decided it was safe to assume she knows and understands much more than she lets on. I didn't want to limit her capacity by questioning her ability. So far, it hasn't backfired on me. Even her eyes seem to work a little bit more together than they used to. Her left eye used to look in a different direction and her 2 eyes didn't align. I have been feeding her in the cradle position for about 5 months now, and it has had measurable results. We plan to attend a conference given by Denise Best in February. I also plan to consult with her for an assessment. We need more fine tuning these days than a major overhaul but it seems each day we have something new to work on. S has developed a habit of throwing things and occasionally hitting. I hold her hands next to her and tell her no hitting. Sometimes this leads to her using her feet then her head. This progresses to a full body restrain, which is very effective. I tell her what she's done wrong then after 30 seconds or less of protest, I ask if she's ready to be good and not do 'whatever' anymore. Now, after a week or 2 of that, she almost immediately starts repeating over and over, "Be good, be good", and then I let her go. If she hurts someone, I'll make her say she's sorry. This method is working very well, although I know impulse control is very difficult for her. I've read so much about kids showing a violent side, it's going to be really hard for me to handle that if S exhibits that side for a long time. The hardest part will be for me to know she has those feeling inside of her, she has always been such a sweet child. She is always so happy too, despite her inability to do so many things that other kids her age do. I would rather have her stay happy than to trade that for being developmentally on target. You just can't beat happy. Her joy spreads to me and her whole family, and we love that part of her. She can't help put a smile on your face. Speaking of smiling, I got the best present just a few days before Christmas. I was talking on the phone, and she was cruising around the kitchen in her little cozy coupe car. Out of the blue, she asked me for a hug. I leaned down through the bars of the car to get to her and she gave me a hug. Then the best surprise of all, she said, "I love you!" That's the first time she's ever said that. You know, it was worth waiting over 2 years to hear that, because I know she did it unprompted. I know so many kids who are little robots and can regurgitate everything they are taught, but what do they know on their own? Especially with adopted kids that may have attachment problems, how do you know they are feeling it or just saying it? I know S is very repetitive, and the things she says on her own I know are real for this very reason. It was such a special gift to me, just like my first real kiss! Another accomplishment that was noteworthy was that she actually responded to someone she didn't know. All of the time, she ignores all people, and will not even respond yes or no. We can barely get responses from her. She loves to talk, but not to respond to us or anyone else. She was at the dentist with her sister and I, a place she's not comfortable with. She sat in the hygenists chair with her sister, which really surprised me. Then, at the end, she actually opened her mouth so the hygenist could see her teeth. She didn't let her anywhere near her, but opening her mouth was huge!!!! Then, she actually answered a couple of questions. I can't believe she is 3 and a half already, she has grown so much. In a little over 2 years, she has grown more than 8 inches and gained 12 pounds. She has overcome some fears and developed at least as many if not more than she had. She is pretty much over her repetitive stage, and she sings all of the time. Unfortunately, she's knows the theme songs to some shows that her big sister watches. Good that she knows the songs, but bad that they are the I Carly theme song and stupid shows like that. She immediately bounces into action when she hears Beyonce's All the Single Ladies. She also knows the new line dance song by Hannah Montana. Such is the life of a 3 year old with 3 big sisters. It could be worse. She's a girl who likes Disney Princesses as much as her Hot Wheels cars. She loves books, and is learing a little bit of Chinese. Some days are full of promise, others full of despair. I know I'm looking forward to 2010, and hope to be through with all of our therapies and onto enjoying all that life has to offer. My little girl has come so far, and has a long way yet to travel. We get through it, one day at a time, and we'll try to enjoy the hard parts as much as the easy ones. I'm grateful for learning about NR and not settling for the limitations of therapies available in my area. I'm looking forward to a year full of accomplishments.

November 23, 2009

At our last evaluation, we were given a set of movements to get rid of a primitive reflex. The good news is that they are brief and that S loves them. We are at such an amazing place developmentally, I am feeling really omtimistic that we will close the gap sooner than later. We are having more success eating, a little more variety, quite a bit more quantity. Behavior is improving, although we are going through a stage of throwing. She is still having a problem with sound, it seems to be magnified. She can hear a train whistle from miles away and is scared. She spends a good amount of time being randomly scared. Actually, it's a tiny portion of her day, but somedays, it feels like it's a good part of her day. I hope this passes with time and therapy. S is obsessed with having a certain door shut in the house. She goes from one obsession to another, but I don't think it's really a problem. The good thing is that every time we take her away from our house for a couple of days, she always makes great strides from being stretched beyond her comfort zone. This is where there is a parenting problem. As her mother, I feel it's my job to protect her from the world. It is extremely difficult for me to purposely take her out of her comfort zone just to face her fears. This is why I liked going to OT. I was there to protect her, and the OT was the bad guy who scared her with new things. How does an adoptive parent who is constantly building trust accomplish this? You don't have to be an adoptive parent to worry about this, but it is much harder for an adoptive parent. With your children born to you, they pretty much trust you from day one, you don't have to constantly reinforce it. I have worked so hard on trust, and after 2 years, she still doesn't trust me completely. She does run to me for comfort, it took nearly a year and a half to get there. Although I believe my child is the most joyful child I've ever encountered, I wonder how much more she could enjoy life without her obstacles to overcome. We are bonding stronger than most I feel, because conquering your fears together is almost like being in a war zone together. I love our life together, with all the good and the bad.

NR re-evaluation

We had our NR re-evaluation on Saturday. I was very pleased with the results. We have a new set of things to do, along with some old. I honestly can't wait to get rid of the ugly crawling mat that has been a part of our lives and floors since February of this year. We have come so far since February, even with some breaks along the way. We are in this until the end, whenever that might be. As we progress, new things seems to take over with their level of importance. This therapy is definitely not for people who can't go with the flow. Although it's good to be rigid with a schedule to get things done, you have to be so in tune to what may surface as the therapy goes on. We had some big emotional changes with some of the movements, so now we have to deal with that. It's actually a good thing, but a change from what we had. So here we are, armed with a new protocol and new hope for positive changes.

The rant of a non-conformist mother..

I am a self admitted non-conformist from way back, I can't deny that. I have changed that to a certain degree for my children's sake. I do what it takes to make sure that they fit in so that they can function in society. After all, unless we are independently wealthy, we have to interact with people on a daily basis. It's not that I don't like people, I just I don't like to deal with the 'stuff' sometimes, like silly rules that make no sense. For example, we were in a thrift store and S didn't have shoes on. Her daddy was carrying her, so it didn't matter. He put her down for a minute, and the crabby lady said, "Where's your shoes?" I thought she was kidding until she told us stupid parents that there was a sign that said they weren't supposed to allow anyone in without shoes. She explained that if everyone came in without shoes, their carpets would get so dirty, they would have to clean them all of the time. We searched for the sign on the way out of the store, but couldn't find one anywhere. Now I pride myself on keeping my kids clean. I challenge that stupid lady to find one person whose shoe bottom was cleaner than my daughter's bare foot.

My family thinks I'm too sensitive about comments, and maybe I am, but does that make it okay that people make rude and insulting comments? I've heard so many China comments already, I'm getting used to them. I realize all of these comments out there are made out of ignorance, and I treat the people who make them accordingly. I've never been rude, only correct them and educate them. My perspective has changed since having a child with developmental delay, sensory processing disorder, and possible attachment issues. Raising her has been very different. We have joined a gymnastics class, mommy and me of course for her protection. This last class she hated, she was scared and cried. We had stupid comment #1 right away form teacher-Most kids are scared of X, not Y, that's really strange. No, what is strange is that she thinks all kids are the same. Then we have well meaning dad having his daughter demonstrate something for S. He thinks the old intimidation trick will work for her. Come on, don't ya want to do what she is doing? ALL kids like to climb. Well, I guess my kid isn't like ALL kids. Actually, she does love to climb, dangerously high because her eyes don't work together yet and she doesn't know how high she is. She loves to swing and spin because she can be sensory seeking. But then the sensory avoiding behavior can take over in an instant, making her petrified of moving. She hates fans, especially when they blow up a giant inflatable toy that appears from nothing in minutes. I left this place upset and confused, wondering if my daughter would someday be able to "conform", so she could enjoy what other kids do. Then I got to thinking, "Why do we need to conform when she's 3 years old?" Well, I guess it would be nice so she could be with other kids in a preschool setting someday. It would be nice for her to be able to take a dance class someday. Someday she'll realize that her friends do things she doesn't and want to do them too. I hope by then, she'll have that option. But then I think about where we are today. She is the happiest child on this earth. When I can control her environment, she doesn't have to be scared, and I'm there to protect her. I can control her exposure to help her overcome her SPD, which we need to actively work on. We can be happy together when we aren't trying to conform, why should we bother? Right now I don't want to fit in with the world, we are happy where we are. We are working on correcting her issues through NR, these things take time. So I'm thinking about how nice it would be to enjoy life without having to deflect hurtful comments.

On another note, I've recently had to deal with many people making comments about China. If they would only stop and think about what they said. If I had a child from India or Guatemala, would you come up to me and tell me how inferior the country is, or even their political problems? Thanks for knowing a tidbit of info about another country, but if it is slamming my child's birth country, then keep it to yourself. Sensitive? Yes, and can you tell me why I should be insensitive? I don't want anyone slamming my country, nor any country I happen to have any connection with. I want to defend everything, but I usually stay silent because such a level of ignorance is hard to educate. I can't even begin to understand why someone thinks I want to hear how bad China and their people are. Maybe they think they need to make them the bad guy for making children available for international adoption. But then that really demonizes parents everywhere for giving up a child for adoption. If they listened to the truth about why people had to surrender their children in China, they might keep their mouths shut. If we had a one child policy in this country, there would be lines at the abortion clinics and more babies available for adoption than parents to take them. So what would the world say about us? Why are we the better country because we abort our babies? I keep thinking that it's my job to educate to protect my daughter and save "educated" people from sounding so stupid. Some days I want to live on an island and just enjoy life without stupid comments. Time to go play with my wonderful, happy, joyful daughter who brings unlimited joy to people who can forget their expectations and truly enjoy her.

Experience the miracle of NR

I decided to take a short video of my little darling dancing. You have to know the history to really comprehend the joy of seeing this. S has always enjoyed music since the day we met her. I brought a wind up musical toy to China with us and she loved it. From the day we got home, I have always played some kind of music for her. She had a toy attached to her bed that played 6 or 7 different classical tunes. She learned how each tune started so quickly, that she would press the button multiple times to get to her favorite song. She would recognize that it was one she wanted of didn't want by just a single note or two. The thing that I found more intriguing was that she didn't move her body to the music at all. I gave her some time, thinking she just wasn't used to the concept of music, but that movement came very naturally to every baby. She never once even tapped a finger or foot to the beat, no movement at all, even though she clearly enjoyed music and could easily identify songs. I can't remember how soon after starting NR that she started moving, but it wasn't very long at all. It started off with her just wiggling a little sitting down. Now we just started NR 7 months ago, with a 2 month or so break in the middle. I would have to say that even if the success the video shows was the only thing NR did for us, it would be worth it. But if you read a couple posts back, you'll know we have accomplished much more than that. I believe that NR unlocked her ability to fully integrate the music, there is no other explanation. You don't just start moving to the music after a year and a half of being exposed to it. Hopefully after seeing this video, if there is anyone reading this that doubts NR's effectiveness, you will be convinced.

I hope this is a permanent thing!

Wow, 2 great experiences to report. I had to take S to the doctor with her sister. This is notoriously a place where we have a long appt. We were already there almost 2 hours when we found out that we needed to be there at least another 30-45 minutes. She had been so well behaved so far, but we had already been there long enough for me to go crazy. We were in the exam room and the dr was asking sister some questions. S was talking loudly, and the dr asked me to "keep her down" so he could hear sister. She wasn't being loud, this particular dr is very crabby and should never be working with kids. (he is a pediatric specialist dr) I told her she had to whisper if she needed to talk. She proceeded to whisper to me for the next 10 minutes! I was shocked that she could keep in control that long. At church, we have to go to the quiet room because she gets too loud and active. This was so big for us, and I thought it was a one time deal. 3 days later(yesterday), we were at church. Occasionally, we start out in the main part of the church and I move to the quiet room when she gets loud. We never had to move yesterday, she was so quiet and well behaved. She did a lot of imitating of me, she has been watching my every move. I attribute this to attachment. Over the past approx 2 months, I have been feeding her in the cradle position and insisting on eye contact as much as possible. I think this has made a difference and it makes me wish I had insisted on it sooner. The problem is, and you already know this if you've been reading from the beginning, is that the bottle is her only source of calories. She has always been so defiant and uncomfortable in that position, that I never forced it because I needed her to eat. She is only 24 pounds at over 3 years old. She gets plenty of calories, I think she'd be this size even if she ate all solids. But still, I didn't feel I could force the issue when eating was so important. I can't beat myself up for it, because things may not have been any different anyway. I know other adoptive parents who have bottle fed in the cradle position and still have bigger attachment issues. I never thought our attachment was bad, and I still don't, but I do know it still needs work. I guess doing NR therapy has made things a little more clear. Once we work on some things and they get better, other issues come into light. This is all a multi-faceted process anyway, but working on more than one thing at a time is always beneficial. When I started NR this past February, we had to tackle the biggest thing first and move on from there. I've said this many times before, but it is worth repeating. I am so grateful for the extent of S's needs, because if not for the severity, I would have never found her the proper help this early. I hope I have saved her harder work when she is older and I hope that I am giving her to framework to have the most opportunities open to her. She is one amazing child and I am so priviledged to be her mother.

Recap of Progress

At the bottom is my list of goals from February. In a little over 6 months, there have been tremendous changes.

She now responds most of the time when I call her name. We still get ignored some of the time, but for the most part, we get her to look. When she first came home, we thought she ignored because of the language barrier. Then we thought she could have had a hearing problem. We ruled that out quickly, but didn't know why she ignored us.

One of the most puzzling things was that she didn't call us mama or dada. She was certainly capable of saying the words, she already had for a while. She just didn't connect with us enough to call us by name. This changed very quickly after starting NR. Now she calls me mom all of the time because she hears her sisters calling me that.

Personal space-hmmm, we're still working on this one, although it's getting better.

She seems to be a little more aware of dangerous situations, but is still a little reckless. Her eyes are not yet totally working together, so this makes her depth perception a problem. If you can't tell if you are 1 foot in the air or 10, then I think you would tend to take risks.

Sensitive to hot or cold-She hasn't been outside in the cold weather because we haven't had any! She did know when the bath water was too hot coming out of the spout, otherwise, she hasn't had any exposure.

Move to music-this is probably the biggest change. This is a child who loves music from day 1. I am big into music exposure for kids. She has listened to all kinds of classical music, as well as traditional Chinese and English kids songs. She can recognize songs with one or 2 notes, so she has an ear for music, so not moving a muscle to music was very bizzare. NR unlocked that for her. One day, not long after starting NR, she moved her little body to music. Now, she dances all around the room and moves her whole body! What a pleasure to see her physically enjoying the music she loves. I just can't wait until her body and brain are fully connected so she can enjoy everything she loves to the fullest.

Toothbrush-this is a wonderful one! We are finally able to brush her teeth!!!! This has been a huge concern of mine. A child with such an extreme case of oral defensiveness does not need dental problems at a later age. Imagine not wanting someone in your mouth and then needing extensive dental work. I wouldn't want her to have anesthesia at such a young age just to work in her mouth. Hopefully it's not too late for her to avoid decay. Her teeth are beautiful and white with no buildup, that is a miracle after going so long with no brushing. Yesterday was the first day that I really felt like I got a complete brushing in, how exciting.

Her fearfulness of loud noises or toys had diminished somewhat. She is still scared of loud noises and tried to climb up my leg when she is caught off guard. The good thing is that she knows where to go for comfort and is able to be comforted. She can even say she is scared or afraid. In her words, 'gared' and 'fraid'

She is still sensitive to clothing textures, but is getitng a little better. She can sometimes be distracted to tolerate it, but eventually tries to take off the offending item.

She is sticking a little closer instead of wandering off. She will at least turn around to see where we are. She doesn't have much opportunity to run off, we are always with her. I'd love to be able to test her in this situation to see when she realizes she's alone, but I don't have a safe place for that.

She still won't put a cup or straw in her mouth, but she's getting close. Sometimes I force her a bit just to see that it's safe. She's okay with that.

She will point to objects in a book now. This has expanded our reading possibilities greatly. She isn't always cooperative, but she's allowed to be a 3 year old.

She is learning compassion, although she is still puzzled when someone gets huts from something she's done. The other day, I tripped over something and hurt my toe. I made a big deal about it because it really hurt, but still went into the other room. She was in my room with her daddy when it happened. I didn't know until I returned a few minutes later that she had repeated endlessly, "You hurt your toe? You hurt your toe?" while recreating the incident for her daddy. When I came back into the room, she came up to me and wanted to kiss my boo-boo. She is role playing a bit with a doll now and acting very nurturing. That is very nice to see.

Eye contact is improving, although there is a general disconnect with the world. Sometimes, she'll look me right in the eyes and tell me a little story. I can't understand a lot of it, but she'll rattle off a string a sentences to me. I make her look at me, and she will do what I tell her 99% of the time if I insist on eye contact. I'm hoping to talk to an attachment therapist to see if we need to see one or not. I think a session or two would help us a lot and be a good companion to our NR therapy. We will go for another re-eval in November, I'm very excited to see where we are, how much time is left, and what else needs to be done.

I think the main thing we need to work on is sensory for eating and self regulation. I think a bit of attachment work will solidify her connection to us and the world, and make her want to join the rest of the world. She really doesn't believe it's a safe place, so she stays in her own world that she knows. she is very slow to let her guard down, but slowly she is learning that we are there to protect her. I look forward to a bright future with my amazing daughter. I can't wait for her to be comfortable in this world and show us what she's made of. Watch out world, she is soon to make a grand entrance!





Thursday, February 5, 2009
My List
Here's my list of things my daughter does or doesn't do that I hope to help with our NR therapy:

Ignores when I call her name.
Doesn't call us by name-mama and dada
We need her to eat more solid food and allow to be spoon fed
Show more affection
Give other little kids too big hugs, doesn't respect personal space
Not aware of dangerous situations
Isn't sensitive to hot or cold
Doesn't move to music
Won't allow a toothbrush in her mouth
Fearful of vibrating toys or toys that are too loud
Sensitive to clothing textures
Wanders away without looking back
Won't try a cup or straw
Won't point to objects in book
Doesn't realize when she hurts someone
Need more eye contact

September 8th, 2009

We've been having a lot of obsessive behavior lately, it's got me concerned a bit. I'm waiting for a call from Bette to talk about it. On the other hand, she has had her hand and fingers exploring her mouth area. She never touches her mouth with anything, but I've noticed she has her hands and even some objects touching her mouth and lips. She still can't spit things out, so she can't eat anything that won't eventually dissolve in her mouth. She loves popcorn, but she collects the parts that don't dissolve in her mouth and I have to fish it out. The good thing is that I can now brush all of her teeth now. I'm so happy about that. If you know anyone who has a problem with a toothbrush, I highly recommend the Wisp toothbrush. It's a disposable toothbrush made by Colgate and it's super small. You have to take the ball of toothpaste out of the middle though, it's way too strong for a child. We're making baby steps of progress, but it's progress just the same. I think we are on the verge of something big, and that some of the behavior is her staying in a familiar comfort zone because there's a bit of fear associated with going forward. She is very cooperative in her therapy for the most part. I've been holding her like a baby for bottle feedings and trying to maintain eye contact. This can be challenging, but it's working out. Since feeding has always been an issue, I never insisted on the cradle position, but I think I probably should have. I'd really like to know if establishing trust from the point of adoption is more or less important to theraputic parenting techniques. I guess you have to do what you feel comfortable with. I really am beginning to think that attachment is the source of S's disconnect with the world. She stays in her safe mode and avoids contact with adults. She is very comfortable with kids, but not adults. She doesn't respond to them when they come up to her and talk to her, but if they talk to me for a few minutes, she accepts them as safe and will give them a big hug. I don't think it's the indescriminate affection from a child with attachment disorder or RAD, because from what I have read, they do it immediately, and not wait to check them out. I wish I had all of the answers to this complicated issue. That's all for today.

Interesting Detail

Yesterday we went to our local library for story time. S has been to this library before, but it's been a long time since we've been there. Now when we got her, she stared up at the lights in the room. We thought she'd never seen overhead lights before, so she was fascinated by them. This wasn't an isolated event, the light staring obsession lasted a long time. The frequency and intensity lessened, but she'll still do it. I began to wonder why a child would be obsessed with lights. Since she has sensory processing problems, I thought it might have been sensory seeking behavior. I got to thinking about it and remembered reading a long time ago about near death experiences. One of the common experiences was seeing a bright light that was very pleasant to look at, even though it was very bright. They were drawn to the light as they were dying. As they were being revived, they felt like they were being pulled away from the light and that they didn't want to, it was such an experience of pure joy and love. It may be a far fetched theory that S may have been through a near death experience, but she was born prematurely. I think this can be established as fact because of her weight at 2 days old. The records say she was 3-4 pounds. Even severely malnourished mothers give birth to near normal weight babies. This weight puts her at least 6-8 weeks premature. If she were born in this country, she would have spent time in a hospital. Her nanny said she was never hospitalized, but there were people who thought she wouldn't survive because of her size. Her neurological profile is in sync with this possibility. Anyway, the reason I mention this is because when we were at the library yesterday, S looked up at the lights and was staring at them and not paying attention to the story. Later, she said she was scared of the lights. I don't know why she is suddenly afraid of lights. The strange thing is that she wants the light on when she goes to sleep. I have to wait to turn it off when she is asleep. Since resuming NR after our summer slack, she hasn't wanted to go in her bed. She used to cry, now only protests a little. She seems fine if I hold her and talk to her for a few minutes, then she willingly goes in her bed. I don't know if NR is stirring up some emotions that she doesn't know how to deal with. She can tell me she's afraid, but I don't know how many more emotions she can put words too. She doesn't mention happy or sad, or any other emotion, pleasant or not. I hope that her lack of ability to express emotions doesn't hurt her. It seems most of the people doing NR are older and can communicate. I'll have to ask Bette this one......She has also told me that she's afraid of a light upstairs. She finally pointed to our smoke detector. None of it makes sense to me, but I'm sure it makes complete sense to her. I wish I could get inside her head to figure her out.

Some Creeping and Crawling Incentives

I'd like to share some things that have worked with us, just in case there are some others who are working with younger children who can't be bribed or are too young to play games. I have a toy that has 2 halves that make a match to make a shape. They are in the shape of an Oreo cookie, and the two halves have the same shape. I slide one across our crawling mat and then she crawls to it and brings it back to me and we open it to see what shape it is. The next thing I've used is The Leap Frog Fridge Phonics game. I slide a letter across the mat and when she brings it back, we put it in the space and push the button to hear what letter it is and it's sound. The same thing could be done with a puzzle, putting in one piece at a time. I just came up with this idea from watching another blog of someone doing NR with their slightly older child. They were playing boggle, and that made me think of the 2 things I've just described. If I come up with anything else, I will write it down, because I know how hard it is to keep a 2 AND 3 year old occupied. We still do it in several sessions because it is hard to do it all at once. I'm encouraged by the success stories posted on neuro-net. We have a long period of time to continue with this, and maybe longer than originally planned because we aren't able to do all of our prescribed activities. We'll keep plugging along, and hopefully I'll be able to continue with new progress reports. There are actually only a few things we want to work on left. We need the self regulation, that's tops on the list, respect of personal space, reduce anxiety, and to become securely attached. We never had the sleep problems or violent tendencies that so many people experience. I think my daughter has only unlocked a small portion of her potential, and I'm excited to see what is to come. I can't emphasize what a happy child she is, and for that I am so grateful. Every day with her is a gift, even if we never get past where we are now.

quick update

I don't have much new news, but wanted to post an update anyway. We've discovered some new motivations for the creeping, so that's going well. Her left leg has finally gotten equal movement in the creeping, so that's good news. She actually colored with her left hand yesterday, that was really exciting. When she came home, she didn't use her left hand at all, it was like her brain didn't know it existed. We've got great communication too, so that's really nice too. The other day, she climbed up on the windowsill from the couch (the couch is against the wall). When I saw her, I yelled to get down and her response was, "Dangerous!" It was another one of those moments when I realize that she has heard every word that has been said to her and comprehended it. My guess is attachment is the reason that she still ignores us sometime. I am demanding that she answers or at least looks at me when I ask a question. Something happened while I was writing this. A few minutes ago, I tripped over her toy and almost fell. She just came back and kissed my toe to make it better. Compassion is still something she is learning. By her coming over a few minutes after it happened, it showed she was thinking about it. She has tried to comfort me when she perceived that I was scared. My little girl has come so far.

August 12, 2009

We're not having anymore problems with sleep. There's some whimpering when bed is mentioned, but no crying. Communication is still accelerating, it's a very exciting time. I think impulse control is what we need the most work on. I know her brain needs to heal and develop to make these gains and the only route to that is NR. I'm being encouraged to send her to the special needs school that the public school system provides, but I just can't send her where they don't understand her. She is only 3 years old and she doesn't need to be anywhere right now. We are having a hard time with cooperation with her NR work, but we do what we can and just space it out throughout the day. I want her to be healed TODAY, but that's just not the way it works. Perseverence is the word of the day.

Great News

We had a nap today with no tears! Hooray!! It was a really long nap, so that means a late night tonight. I think we're going to have to give up naptime because it keeps her up so late. Hopefully we'll have no tears for bedtime tonight.

It's still going on

Well, we're still having the naptime and nightime protests. When we even speak of bed, she starts crying. I'm hoping this is short lived, it's hurts me to see her upset. I know life can't be always happy, but I try to make it that way. I think some of this is separation anxiety. This is a very good thing, because it means attachment. Since returning home, I've noticed a lot more eye contact. I don't leave her often, but when I do, she never protests. Just this past week, I told her I was leaving for a few minutes, but would be back. She said, "Car seat?" I took her along with me because she asked, I was happy she wanted to be with me. The other morning, I left her for an hour with her sister. She asked for me the whole time I was gone. This is a major breakthrough in attachment. The only problem is that she will start preschool in a week. I guess it will be good that she misses me, and she'll only be gone for 2 and a half hours. I guess I'll just see how it goes. I don't know if the timing for all of this is good or bad. She is also communicating better every day. So we'll press on with our NR, and hope this emotional time willl be a time of growth and not take too long.

Strange coincidences

S hadn't taken a nap 4 days in a row. She slept later than usual, so by the time she was at all ready to nap, it was much too late. In the past, if she naps late, she stays up really late. Once thing I noticed when we first started NR, it would energize her. I couldn't do it in the afternoon or she wouldn't want to go to sleep. So on the no nap days, she would cry when I put her in bed at night and act scared to death to be left there. She would stop crying after less than a minute, but it was disturbing just the same. Today, she got up early enough to take a nap. She started hyperventilating at the mention of a nap. I put her in bed and tried to calm her down before I left. She stopped crying right away after I left. Tonight, when I put her in bed, she cried again. I gave her some books and toys and her sister stayed with her until she calmed down. I was really confused about all of this behavior until nap time today. I realized that it is probably a result of starting up our NR again. Last time, she went through some of this when we first started. I'm glad I realized that it wasn't just random that she started this. We've been working on getting her to respond to questions. She is really responding well and talking. The past few mornings, she will just rattle of a bunch of words as if to tell me a story. I don't understand all of the words, so I don't know if she is actually trying to tell me something that she thinks is important. I love that getting back to our program is stirring things up in her, but I don't love that it seems to be stirring up some emotion that she probably doesn't even understand.

July 27, 2009

We have been away for most of the past 8 weeks. Our NR program was tailored to our travel because we knew we were going to be away. Unfortunately, we were unable to do anything because of many factors. Since S is so young, she continues to develop anyway, so she does new things all of the time. We could always make more progress by sticking to our NR, but we all just do what we can. We started back a few days ago, and there's lots to report. S was very willing to get back on her tummy to crawl, I was very excited about that. Her crawl looked like it always did, with maybe a little less leg involvement than before for the first few times. Then something disturbing happened. She stopped using her left leg completely. After a few times, she had the left leg bent at the knee and it was sticking straight up. This was a bigger concern because when she came home, she did not use her left hand or arm to do anything. There was no evidence of injury, so there was no explanation. This issue resolved with effort to get her to use it. So when it re-surfaced after so long, this time with her leg, I called Bette right away, and she reassured me that there was nothing to worry about, that sometimes there's a little backslide and then forward progress. This can happen throughout the program. Yesterday, she used her left leg again, although not the same as her right. We also started fetal patterns. They are very hard to do with alone. We do the best we can. S has problems with mouth sensitivity, so part of our fetal patterns involves touching her hands to her mouth area. When we switched positions and got to the floor, she had her hand covering her mouth. She never touches her mouth, so this was encouraging. The other great thing to report was that after we did some fetal patterns, she wanted to just snuggle chest to chest.

Last year, I discovered that leaving our house and spending the night somewhere else was benificial for S. Taking her out of her comfort zone in a controlled way such as vacations really stretched her and we saw big changes upon our return. She deals with anxiety in new and different situations. When we went away about 9 months ago, she was too scared to go in her port-a-crib. Usually, I'd have to hold her until she went to sleep and then put her in. She never would consider sleeping or even lying in my bed. Well, this time she did. So now that she conquered this some time ago, this last vacation she slept with me the entire time. Since returning home, we have a lot more eye contact. Just the other day, I realized a better way to get her to look at me when I am speaking to her. I used to ask her to look into my eyes. Sometimes, I would have to put my hands over her cheeks and turn her head to face me, then wait until her darting eyes would finally make contact with mine. I don't know what took me so long to discover this, but the other day, I said, "Let me see your eyes." She instantly made eye contact with me. Why didn't I think of this before? She's very willing to show me her big beautiful eyes.

Her speech is really coming along. She still does a lot of repeating what people say to her. Sometimes we need to re-word a question for her to answer. A speech pathologist friend of mine suggested that repeating a question is sometimes done when a child is buying some time to interpret the question and come up with an answer. I looked up repetition on the internet and came up with all kids of scary things. I'm glad I'm keeping this journal, because I can look back and see what she has done. Sometimes when you focus on what they can't do, you forget all they can do. Last night, we had a thunder and lightning storm and I asked her, "Do you like thunder and lightning storms?" She repeated, "Thunder" I said, "Yes, the thunder makes a big sound and the lightning is a big flash of light." Then she said, "Bug". I asked her, "What?" She repeated, "Bug" I asked her to say it a couple more times and repeated back to her, "Bug" to make sure that's what she was trying to say and she said in a frustrated voice back to me, "Lightning bug!" Of course!!!! Her favorite book has a page with a lightning bug! She related the lightning to what she knew, the lightning bug.

This morning, I was doing this little piggy with her. I had forgotten that a long time ago, after I did wee wee wee all the way home, I touched her nose and said, "Boop" Well, she wanted to take a turn with me, so I let her and she did the boop thing with me. I had totally forgotten about it until she did it to me. After about the fourth time, she went to touch my nose and stuck her finger right in my eye. Her nail either poked or scratched my eye and it really hurt. I made a big deal over telling her it hurt so she would know it hurt and hopefully I would get a reaction from her. Seh kept trying to pull my hand off of my eye. It really hurt, I had to keep my eye closed, so I didn't let her do it. I kept waiting for her reation, peeking at her through my hands. She had a look of concern onher face, but that's about it. I told her she hurt me and that I had a boo boo. She spontaneously said, "Sorry" I was shocked! She doesn't usually hurt people, so I've only made her say I'm sorry a few times. I was so happy that she knew the appropriate response and used it. I hugged her and we left it at that.

She's going to try going to pre-school in a couple of weeks, I hope it works out. She plays well with other children, although she likes to hug them and they really don't know what to do when she does it. Am I the only one who thinks it's strange that kids don't hug eachother? I can't remember how huggy my other kids were at the same age, but it doesn't seem like a foreign concept to me.

Overall, our vacation adventures have been a great experience, not only where we went, but S's adaptability to all of the different circumstances. She is a pro frequent flyer now, she loves buckling her own seatbelt. What were the airlines thinking when they put the flight attendant call button on the little controller that is connected to the seat? I'm sure in the dark, many people other than little kids have pushed the wrong button. What kid doesn't love a button that goes "Ding!" when you push it? One time, we were stuck in the two middle seats in a row of 4. Somehow, it seemed like S grew 3 feet bigger and sprouted a few more arms and legs. Of course the people in the adjoining seats tried to sleep the whole time. I can sleep on almost any flight, any time of day, but not for the duration that I saw the people sleep on all of our flights! My goodness, the sleeping pill industry must be booming, I can't imagine being able to sleep so much without them. She was really well behaved on the flights, I was impressed, especially for the amount of time we spent on them. When I asked her if she wanted to go on another airplane ride, the answer was an immediate, "NO!"

That's all for now, I'll try to give more frequent updates now that we are home.

Re-evaluation news

We had our re-evaluation a little over a week ago. I'm happy to report that things went much better then I had imagined. We've made huge neurological progress and we are moving on to the next step. We've been assigned a new set of patterns, and they are very do-able. I must admit, they look a bit strange, but we are going to do them. We know what we have been doing has caused big changes, so we're going to do everything we've been told. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but S's emotional guard is coming down and I can see her falling in love. If I look at her and smile, a change overcomes her entire face and she smiles back at me. She is giving hugs to everyone. I got my first real kiss last week. I ask her for a kiss before she goes to bed and never get one. Sometime she'll press her cheek to mine, and that's good enough for me. I get huge hugs, and I know she is dealing with oral sensitivity, so it's always been okay not to get kisses. It's a different world for her, and I'm happy to be a part of it and understand how she feels without trying to force her into anything. Well, this night was different. She pressed her little lips to my cheek and gave a long kiss. I was totally in shock, not even knowing how to react, and then she moved to the other cheek and did the same thing! I squeezed her and gave her another kiss and put her in bed. She has since given a few more, it has been wonderful. Her baby cousin who is 6 months old was over the other day. She kept walking over to her and touching her on the head. Then she touched her arms, legs, head and was labeling all of her body parts, it was so cute. The baby coughed, and she kept asking her, "Are you okay?" I finally realized that she was expecting the baby to answer, because she kept asking if she was okay. So I answered for her and she stopped. This was the first time she really took an interest in a baby for more than a second. This time last year, I remember being so excited at how far she'd come. I had no idea that she would get to this point one year later. When you have your children by birth, you always marvel over each new thing that they do. With S, each new thing that she does is cause for celebration because we see her unfolding. All of this is in her, she just lets it out very carefully and slowly. We are always in anticipation of what will come next, and it's not always in the order you expect.

We hope to be traveling in the next couple of weeks, so I'll try to keep up as best as I can. We are on an exciting adventure, and I would love to share it so others like us can experience the same joys that we have achieved through NR.

May 14, 2009

I've just got a short update because it's nearing the end of school and things are crazy around here. We have our re-evaluation in 2 days. I'm a little worried because we have lapsed with our program. S doesn't really respond to bribes or incentives, so it's been difficult to get her motivated. The good news is that doors are still being opened and connections are being made. S uses mommy and daddy all of the time now. She also uses the names of her sisters. Yesterday at OT, daddy was holding her while I went to another room. She asked, "Where's mommy?" Today, after her sisters went to school and her daddy went to work, she asked where one of her sisters were by name. I explained that she went to school and then she asked, "Where is everyone?" Her sentence structure is continuing to improve. She pedaled a bicycle last week, which the OT said was a 3 year old skill. She is doing a lot of singing, she doesn't know many of the words, but instantly recognizes the tune. Yesterday, I got some big hugs. On Mother's Day, when I put her to bed, she gave me the equivalent of a kiss. She made the sound out loud, Mwaaaa! That's the sound she says when she blows a kiss. She's letting go a little bit at a time. I'm actually really happy that she is progressing this way, I feel it's genuine and what she is comfortable with. I'd rather it come slowly than for her to go through the motions but feel absolutely nothing. One of the goals we have for her is to feel empathy. She doesn't really realize when she hurts someone and doesn't give much reaction to others being hurt. Today, she was eating Cheerios and I asked her to give me one. She answered no, which was okay, but I wondered why she said no. She usually has no problem sharing, either with me or another child. I asked her again, and she didn't say no, but she didn't give me one either. So I told her I was sad and was going to cry because she wouldn't give me one. She studied my reaction for several seconds and much to my surprise, she ran over and fed me one! After that, she kept feeding me Cheerios.

I honestly don't know what goals to set for her for our re-evaluation. There were so many thing that were completely absent that I wanted to see and she has exceeded all of my goals. We need to expand on the one's we've gained, but I just don't have the same type goals to set. I'll post after our evaluation. I've been told that this blog has been shared with people who are considering NR. I'm so happy you are reading along and I hope this is encouraging to you. I started out a sceptic and turned into a believer. When the opportunity came up to be evaluated, I needed to make a quick decision or lose out. I read as much as I could before we went, but didn't have enough info going into it. That's the main reason I was a sceptic. The remarkable thing I've found is that I can't find anyone who said it didn't work for them. The hardest part is sticking to it and finding new ways to stay motivated. From what I've read on the neuro group, my daughter is one of the youngest doing it, and I think that is the best time to do it. Right now, even with our lapses, she's young enough that this could just be a part of her life. Even if it takes twice the amount of time, it is incorporated into her life so that it will feel very natural and a part of her everyday life. If you are following along, please leave me a comment. You can keep the comments private if you don't want everyone to read it. It always helps to know others are counting on you, it will keep us motivated.

May 1, 2009

We're getting a huge expansion in vocabulary and words used everyday. The word combinations are increasing also. Yesterday, S was climbing on her swingset/play set, and she climbed to the top of one part of it. As she was getting to the top, I heard her say something I didn't understand. She repeated it several times and I figured out she was saying, "Big girl". She knows when she accomplishes something she hasn't before, we say she's a big girl. When one of her sisters is out of sight, she asks, "Where is she?" I thought this was sort of a learned repetition, but when 2 sisters left, she asked, "Where are they?" She continues to surprise me with things she has learned a long time ago but takes a while to express it to me. I had a Disney shirt with many of the Disney characters and scenes on it and she pointed to the teacup and said, "Spin" It's been a while since we've been to Disney, and she's only been on that ride once or twice. I didn't even think she enjoyed it, but she obviously remembered it. It's just so darned exciting to see her unfold. Everyday is a new surprise. She is saying, "Mommy" with a whole lot more enthusiasm, and even says it very endearingly. I got a big hug the other day where she gave me a huge squeeze. I've gotten hugs before, usually with a running start and slamming into me, but this was from a standing position and then a big squeeze. At school the other day, I told her I was leaving the room for a minute and that I'd be right back. I've done this before and she lets me leave without even watching me go. This day was different. She turned away from what she was doing and looked up at me and watched me leave. Her teacher told her I'd be right back and she still looked toward the door. The teacher turned her head away and distracted her. This was a big moment for her and I. She showed me that she cared that I left. Ever since she first came home, she would always be looking at me when I wasn't looking at her. She very secretly keeps her eye on me without me knowing. When she's at school, she glances over to make sure I'm there. She has no problem clinging to me when she is scared, so it's not like she's to proud to cling to me. All of the classrooms have one way glass so you can spy on the kids from the outside. I waited to go in to see what she was doing. They put some music on and she was dancing around the room. It was so nice to see her having so much fun. She has just started to move to music since we started the program. She really let loose this day, and she was actually dancing. At school, she did another really mature thing. She had 2 bowls she was playing with. A little girl started carrying one of them away. S took the pther bowl and started following her, spouting off a string of words I didn't understand. It looked and sounded like she was pleading with the girl to give it back. When the girl took off faster with it, she just said, "Okay, bye bye." I can tell you from being in that classroom with her everyday, if it were one of the other kids, they would have just grabbed it back from them.

She is catching up at a rapid pace and I'm so excited for her. Our last hurdle is getting her to eat, that will come. I'm just so happy with her progress, and it's so nice that I don't feel the need to get her to do anything before she's ready. Most of what she needs to know is in there already, she just isn't ready to let it out. The teacher that comes to the house once every other week thinks she can't do a lot of things because she can't get S to do them for her. She matches colors at school every time, yet she won't do it for anyone else. Now I know why some people try to mainstream their kids in regular schools. The special needs schools and providers seem to concentrate on what the kids can't do as opposed to what they can do. I thought we'd gotten further than that by now. I do have to say, our OT is S's cheerleader, always being positive and never expecting her not to do something. He always likes to be pleasantly surprised whe she does something he's challenged her with. She may be cautious, but she's also curious. Today she was stringing beads and then she realized by holding the bead and pulling the string, she'd made a pulley. She kept pulling it up and letting it down to see how it worked. She loves to see how things work, she turns all of her toys over and around to see how they work. If she can find an alternate way to make a toy do the same thing, she'll do it that way for a challenge. She's always been that way. Only 2 weeks until her re-eval, can't wait to see how she's doing.

April 20, 2009

Where does the time go? Time is moving at warp speed lately, and I don't expect it will slow down anytime soon. We're looking forward to summer, things should slow down by then. S and mom endured another day at school today. I've realized that it is a rich and rewarding experience for her and that she doesn't see the faults like I do. If it only affects me, then I don't need to worry about it. Today S put a cup up to her mouth like she was going to drink multiple times. I think she thinks she was faking us out. She looked very skilled at her attempts to drink, if you were watching from a distance, you would have never known she wasn't drinking. She did something really great today at school. a little boy was trying to take away her play plate at the play kitchen area. She held tight and wouldn't let him take it from her. She thought quickly and grabbed another plate with her one hand and gave it to the boy. This made him let go and she got to keep her plate. Way to problem solve!!!! She is the oldest in the class, and it is the most evident in her play skills. The other children come up beside her and play with the same toy as she is playing with. She always lets them play whereas they will push her away or pull the toy away from her.

She is using many 3 or more word sentences now. She'll point to something and say,"See the _____?" She is really catching on to what letters are and mean. When she sees letters, she will say some of the letters that she knows. 'Z' is her favorite letter. She loves to sing the ABC song, even though she doesn't know most of the letters. Today she heard someone say a letter and she started saying a letter and it's sound. I am really amazed at the progress she's making. She seems to be improving in the area of attachment also. The only area we still need to work on is increased eye contact, which is coming along with her increased vocabulary. I make her look me in the eyes when she is asking me something. She used to be really scared when people were clapping their hands. We were at an event the other night and she wasn't scared at all. Another thing she is doing is saying scared or afraid when she wants to be picked up. She is 34 months old today. I'm hoping that she'll be caught up developmentally by the time she's 3. There will be some areas that she'll still fall behind in, but they are due to unresolved sensory issues. We are hoping NR will repair all of that. We go for our re-eval in about 3 weeks, so I'll be sure to report on her progress.

April 11, 2009

There's so much that's gone on since I've last written. I write little notes so I don't forget, but I don't have the time to write down everything(wish I did).
She was holding this little drink umbrella that her sister had saved for her doll. I asked her, "Do you know what that is used for?" I wasn't expecting that she'd answer me, since she doesn't answer most of my questions anyway. She proceeded to lift that little umbrella right over her head! Now the remarkable part is that I don't remember when we've even used an umbrella or where she's seen it. This is an example of what I mean when I say that she shows us what she knows when we least expect it. She has been watching everything and taking it all in. I knew she was watching everything, but I didn't know she remembered everything.

The other day I left her with daddy for a short time. When I came home, she called out, "MOMMY!" I was so excited.

Probably the biggest developmental milestone is that she asked WHY? I was shocked that she asked me, not really sure she said 'why'. I answered her and she seemed satisfied with the answer. She has since asked why a couple of more times.

I have these little plastic star shaped reusable ice cubes that I have had in the bath tub with her. She dug them out the other day and when I mentioned star, she started singing twinkle twinkle. I sing her twinkle twinkle when she lets me hold her like a baby while feeding her a bottle. She hasn't wanted to be in this position for a while, but she did recently. I forgot to sing, so part way through her bottle, she said "up above" I caught on and starting singing. Since the ABC song is the same tune, she'll start singing, "Next time won't you sing with me" while I'm singing twinkle twinkle.

One of the other kids was asking me if I bought Peeps for Easter. I had showed S what marshmallow peeps were earlier at the store. I asked her if she remembered what peeps were and she didn't. She related the word to the closest familiar sounding word to her which was beep. She proceeded to tell us a story. She said car seat, drive drive, beep, had fun! That translates to: She got in her car seat to go to the park where she played with the steering wheel(she calls it a drive drive because that's what she does with it). She went beep beep on the steering wheel and she had fun! This was the first time she had told us a story.

She has communicated with us since we've been home by taking our hand and placing it on what she wants. It was a very effective method of communication, there was never any question what she wanted. If she wanted to go somewhere, she would have us pick her up. She would then lean in the direction she wanted us to go in. We felt like a horse! Anyway, the point of explaining this was to say that she tried to get her teacher to do something by grabbing her hand. The teacher didn't comply, so she immediately realized it wouldn't work and said the word instead.

At school, they are given a plastic egg and need to place it in the bowl with the same color. Since she has a 50/50 chance of getting it right(they only use 2 colors), I thought the first 2 times could have been lucky. Well, she did it a total of 5 times and got it right each time. Now if you set her down to do the activity at home, she won't cooperate at all. That's why it's so hard to know what she knows. I think in time, she will surpass her peers. Although I haven't been able to predict her timeline, I do think by the time she is done with NR therapy, she will be long caught up. The last day we went to school, her 11 year old sister was able to come with her. I knew this would be a good experience for both of them. She was much more bold and tried new things because she saw her sister doing it. In the beginning of class they sing a song. S did all of the hand motions with the song for the first time. She sang in a loud voice that we could all hear. The best part was when she sang the entire last sentence of the song, "I hope that you are too."

I've been reading on the neuro-network group about self regulation. That's an area we need to work on. She likes to have her way and do what she wants to do. She has a really hard time sitting in school. I'm having a hard time with this because I don't think that's an overly important area to be working on now when we have so much more important things to work on. I guess if this is the only thing I'm worried about, then I'm doing okay.

Progress to report

So much has happened in just a couple of days. S is using all of our names, even Mommy!!!!! Today she spontaneously called out Grandma when she spotted her. When we came in the door today from being out, she said hi to the dog using her name. I had to go to WalMart yesterday and she would only sit in the cart for a few minutes. When she got out, I told her she had to hold my hand. She will NEVER hold my hand. She protested, but I told her she had to hold my hand or get back in the cart. She held my hand the entire time. I can't tell you how happy it made me to be able to walk through a store holding her adorable little hand. Today at OT, she actually played with the moon sand. Until now, she never touched it, she hated the feel of it. Yesterday at school, she actually put one of the dollhouse people in a bed. She has never played with the people before. She ate an Oreo for the first time yesterday at school. They mixed crushed oreos and vanilla pudding. I kept them separate because I knew she would never try them together. She doesn't eat anything soft. She was really hungry, so she just grabbed a piece of oreo and put it in her mouth. I dipped a little in the pudding, and she still ate it. She wouldn't eat it when there was too much pudidng on it, but just the fact that she ate it at all was pretty huge. We are really gaining a lot of momentum, I want to keep it going. She is saying more words than I can count. There are a few sounds she can't make, but for the most part, her words are really clear. Today, she also pointed to some pictures on the wall at OT. The student intern was saying the word to what she was pointing to and then S pointed to another picture on the wall and said, "Cookie" at the picture of the cookie. I'm not sure if it's her confidence that is making her respond, or something has just matured, allowing her to express herself the way we want her to. The kids in her school class don't do much talking, so she isn't doing it because she sees and hears them. I would love to have her with older children, but unfortunately, they don't allow mommies with the older children. I wish there was a facility that allowed that. Yesterday she got hurt by another child and she was just sitting there protecting herself from further harm. She only cries when it really hurts. I saw that she was waiting to be rescued, and I was glad I was there. That's part of the reason why I will only let her go where I can be with her. Unfortunately, there are so few people familiar with the dynamics of attachment, they don't understand the need for me to be there. That's all for today.

March 30, 2008

I left off telling you we got a "No" response which was great. Now we've gotten 2 affirmative answers. She sometimes answers, "Okay", but now we get, "Fine!" Today I was holding her and another little boy at the same time. He wanted to see the horse so I lifted them both up to look at the horse in the field next to the school. He was pointing to the horse and I asked S to point to the horse. She pointed and said, "Point" I asked her to point to something else today and she did it! That's been something we've wanted her to do for a while now. She did point to something in a book a little while back, but not when I asked her. It's really hard to access where she is developmentally because she is really stubborn and doesn't want to do things when we ask her. If you ask her to go pick up the hat, she'll go do it, but if you ask her to point to a hat, she won't. So we know she knows so much more than she lets on. I think it's part of maintaining the last bit of control. It's heartbreaking to know she hasn't completely let her guard down after a year and a half. While we were outside swinging today, I remembered a time when she was afraid to even get in the swing. If you didn't know where she started, you might worry about where she is today. But since we've been through it all with her, she has overcome so many obstacles. I think she has learned much more than other kids her age who have not been adopted. Along with all of her developmental milestones, she first needed to learn who we were, her new surroundings, her new language, and the biggest thing she needed to learn was trust. That most basic need has to be met before you can go anywhere. When you think of how old she was and how long it took to be comfortable with her new life, I think it's remarkable where she is. I know other children are much farther along, but she doing great for her personality and her obstacles. She just came up to me while I was writing this and said, "Excuse me" while she moved my legs to get past me. More later....

March 22, 2008

S was sitting in my lap while I was eating some applesauce. I asked her if she wanted some while I brought the spoon to her mouth and she answered, "NO!" This was the first time she answered a yes or no question. Normally, she would just push the spoon away. I still can't get her to answer anything else, but this is a huge breakthrough. The OT has noticed that she tries new things when she lets her guard down. He tries to distract her by doing something she loves and then introduces something new. I think we have known all along that there so much more she knows and can do, but is so hypervigilant that she just is afraid to show it. I really think she is enjoying talking to people now.

The other day, she was using 2 pencils to pound on her toybox like a drum. I asked her if she was playing her drum and she took my hand and led me over to the piano in the other room. She was able to relate playing the drum and playing the piano. She has always loved music, and she loves to play the guitar.

That's all that's new this week. I'm trying to get a word count of the words she uses consistently. She's supposed to have a 300 word vocabulary by this time and be speaking in 3-4 word sentences. We've gotten a few 3 word sentences like up, sit, lap and shoes, socks, on. I am not hung up on timelines, she'll catch up eventually. Right now, I'm enjoying every minute with her just the way she is.

Monday, March 16th

We've had a good week overall, a bad week getting all of our therapy in. This is starting to be a pattern. We are still seeing progress though, I guess that's the important thing. Although S had done pretend things before, it has been with toys. Yesterday, we did something together that was completley imaginary. She put her cupped hand up to her mouth and was pretneding to eat something. I decided to follow her lead and imitated her. Then I pretended to feed her something imaginary with my hand to her mouth. She has extreme oral defensiveness, so she grabbed my hand to see what I was putting near her lips. She instantly realized that I had nothing in it, and then let me do it. We did this back and forth and she even fed me some imaginary food. I thought this was a big step in her development. Everytime she does something new, I rest a little easier knowing it's one less thing we need to wonder about. We were watching the space shuttle take off yesterday and when she saw it on TV where it was just a bright light, she started singing Twinkle Twinkle because it looked like a star. I know I have only pointed out the stars once to her. Her sister did a couple of times, but it was a long time ago. What a thrill to know how much she has stored up. I was just watching her play yesterday and I was marveling over how happy she is. She goes through life so joyfully, enjoying every minute. She lives life rather dramatically, I don't know if this is partly environmental influence or just who she is. We are a very lively household, we find that the kid's friends who are only children are quite overwhelmed when they come to our house. They keep coming back, so I guess it's kind of a fun chaos. S can get serious when she's studying how a toy is made or how something works, but other than those times, she's always smiling and talking with tons of expression in her voice. Since she's started singing, we find her singing all of the time. She still won't answer yes or no to a question, we need to work on that.Hopefully I'll be able to report that we're better about our therapy this week. She is going to miss school this week because I'm home with her sister who is sick.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Mommy had a bad day, while S had a pretty good day. It was our second day of 'school'. S separated from me many times to go play, even going to the outside area alone. She loves free play and playground time the most. I looked for smiles from the other kids today and there were lots of smiles, but S is by far the most excited about things. Today, she was handed out her painting from yesterday and she said, "Paper." It's not a word she hears very often, and the teacher did not say the word when she was handing the paintings out. It is such a thrill to be getting a glimpse of what she has stored up in that brain of hers. Now for my day at school...
I need to learn from my daughter to let things go like she does. She was scratched, shoved, slimed with snot, and poked in the eye today. Her eye hurt, and she took notice, but got over it quickly. She didn't even know she'd been slimed with snot or spit until she touched it with her hand. School is not a good place for a germophobe of a mother. I want to be decontaminated when I leave. Poor S isn't raised in a sterile environment like her older siblings, but it's still pretty sterile compared to most kids. Today I was shown a method of compensation for S because she doesn't do certain things the way a 'typical' kid would. That gesture of help was like stabbing me in the heart. I hate the whole politically correct world, it's just simply idiotic. I am much more offended with the word typical than normal. It says the same thing, it's just a different word. My daughter has no diagnosis of a disease or disability, how do they know what she needs? Was she placed in the closest category and we go from there? Aren't all kids different even if they have the same label? Our system is so broken, no wonder there are so many people homeschooling. I see that in our future. I hate how they rush kids to make a decision. They rush them to do everything. S's sister is in the gifted program at her elementary school. They give you a checklist for certain characteristics when you are looking into having your child tested for giftedness. Some of those are: thinking outside the box, stubborn, tenacious, etc. So I get a semester report for her that says she isn't working well in groups and doesn't complete some tasks. I read that and say, "Way to be an independent thinker!" Then I see that they've written that as a negative. If you have the best idea and you know you are right, do you go along with the group? How do you finish when your group isn't going along with your plan? The school boasts how the high IQ kids are leaders. Okay, my kid stepped up to the plate to be the leader and is told that was wrong. Well, which is it? Okay, back to my horrible morning. I've got this parent who made a comment that I have no idea how to take it. It seemed friendly enough, but also seemed like a dig. I don't want to be specific in case they end up reading this someday. As I hear the moms talk, I'm thinking to myself how they need to be told about NR. Maybe I can get Bette to come here to give a presentation. I think 100% of the kids would benefit from NR. Anyway, I have to keep this generic in case I get Bette to come and I'd like to be able to pass this website along to encourage people. My last vent is the comments about adoption and the misconceptions about China. I didn't know the details about adoption and China until before I adopted, but I don't think I said really insensitive things to adoptive parents either. I had read on different yahoo groups how parents deflected ignorant comments when they were said in front of thier child. Maybe they think S is too young, but from what I've heard from her, she's taking it all in and processing it. So when someone talks about China hating baby girls or killing baby girls, they aren't thinking about how it sounds. I didn't know how hurtful it could be until I had this precious little girl to protect. I'm not criticising them for not knowing, I just wish I could handle it better than I do. I try to educate them in as polite a manner as I can, that's the best I can do. Now I know why I have avoided people. Just like my daughter, the more exposure to certain situations, the better she is able to handle them. I need to get out and practice my lines so that I'm well equipped with the right words. Her feelings about adoption and people in general will be influenced by how I handle it. My sweet daughter is expanding my capacity as a human being. She has already taught me that my heart could grow way beyond what I ever thought possible. I never knew that I could fall deeper in love every single day. God has big plans for this little girl, I can't wait to see whose life she touches tomorrow. People are naturally drawn to her, and I have to make the best of that.

Lots of great news

I wish I had time to report everyday, but I haven't had time. The biggest thing that happened is that last Monday, S's OT remarked at how she had progressed in the past few weeks. I have not told him that we are doing NR. He didn't seem too crazy about the idea and his only comment was that, "It couldn't hurt." So I chose not to tell him that we were doing the therapy. I think this is important because the OT is just seeing the progress without expecting anything. Today we had our first class at the Early Intervention Center. I stayed with her the entire time and she had a wonderful time. After thinking about her day there *all 2 &1/2 hours* of it, she was by far the happiest child there. It was actually a little disheartening to realize that none of the kids smiled while they were there. A bit odd of an observation. On a good note, they started singing ring around the rosy and S started singing some of the words! She hasn't heard the someg in months and she has only heard it a total of 10 times. My theory about her is being confirmed, I have always thought that she is storing all of this up and will show us one day all she has been taking in. I have thought this since we were home only a few months. She would say a word, but only once. It was like she was trying it out and would just start talking one day. It hasn't happened all at once, but once she started, it has come at a rapid rate. She is really doing a lot of talking. I think she is starting out this class as one of the special needs class, and will end the 10 weeks as one of the role model children. Although I believe she is the oldest child, she fits right in with the other kids, even ahead of many of them. The most wonderful thing about her class is that all of the kids appeared to be the same. I will try to write more tomorrow to catch up on all I've missed.

Update

We have been doing our work daily and without much effort. S is very cooperative and will even ask for tummy time. We call it crawl on your tummy and she says, "Tummy" when she wants to do it. Today she pulled me down on the floor and wanted me to do it too. I did it, although I took up 3/4 of the length of the mat. It must be really difficult if you have a small house and a big kid. I'm so happy we're doing it while she is young. Today she used 4 different words to get what she wanted. She said, "More, please, cookie, eat". She is expanding her use of words at such a rapid pace. She has also been greeting people all on her own. She just goes up to people and says, "Hi or hello". She's also been taking me around the house and saying, "Want" to tell me she wants something. She'll also say in a really loud voice, "MOM" when she wants me to do something for her. I'm sure she hears her older sisters calling me mom. I was hoping to be mama or mommy for a while. She helped me stir the cookie batter today, something she probably wouldn't have taken an interest in several months ago. I love that she initiates her tummy time, it makes it so much easier. We had been having a hard time with washing her hair in the bath for the past couple of months. We've decreased the frequency to decrease the trauma. She would cry everytime I said the word bath. The other day, she actually tipped her head back for me to rinse her hair. We haven't had any more waking up at night except for those couple of nights. Today, for tummy time, she brought in her little bowl of cheerios and a mini tupperware bowl that held about 4 cheerios. We used both of the bowls to slide across the mat for her to crawl to. After each crawl across the mat, she would sit up and eat a cheerio. After a few times, she stopped and looked at me making direct eye contact. I fed her Cheerios one at a time. It was a silent time, neither one of us spoke, and she made eye contact each time. I felt like we made it to the next step in our bonding. Since we've started therapy, she's needed to be held more often. I happily accomodate her, and it's these times that I am grateful she hasn't gained weight.

Friday

S is having an imaginary conversation with someone while using a calculator for a phone. She says, "Heh-woe", then a bunch of words, then bye-bye. Sometimes she hands the phone to me to talk. Her vocabulary is expanding at a huge rate. She voluntarily did some of her tummy time today. The other day she coughed and asked herself, "Are you okay?" She also said, "Bless you" when I sneezed. The most amazing thing was when I got hurt she came over to me to see if I was okay. She even touched her hand to my back to comfort me. This was the first time she recognized anyone getting hurt. I was told that she needs to feel and understand her pain in order to feel empathy for anyone else. We always did make a big deal when she got hurt because in the beginning her pain tolerance was way too high. She has since come to me for comfort, which is a really big deal. She's repeating almost everything she hears with great clarity. She can repeat a whole sentence. She's using several words with related objects. For example, she hands me the phone and says, "Phone, talk, hello?"
Just a month ago, she would just say the word that described the object. She would say many related words to actions before, but not to objects. An example of that would be when I would tell her it's time for bed, she would say, "Nite-nite". Now she's been adding words to that like- bed. Today she added the word 'sleep' to the routine. At this rate, she should be caught up to her chronological age in a couple of months. She is on a waiting list for a speech therapist for her eating issues, but it doesn't look like we'll get in anytime soon. I'm optimistic that soon we won't need it for feeding or for speech. She has been hungry lately and eating more frequently. The amount she eats at a time is also increasing. Things are going great.

Wednesday, 2/25

We are back into our routine as much as humanly possible. S has been a little resistant to crawling, and we have to do it in several short sessions. I'm not sure if it's because we've been out of the routine or that she's getting tired of the routine. We're still seeing new things appear though. She's now calling the dog by her name. She is singing all on her own too. Her little voice is so sweet, I can imagine that's what an angel must sound like. I've never heard a sweeter sound in my life. She's also starting to use our names. Today, she led me to the microwave and asked for her bottle. This is a big step for her considering her eating history. We want her to know when she is hungry instead of being fed on a schedule. She asked for it quite a bit earlier than I would have given it to her. When we were at Disney, she didn't protest when I put her jacket on. She hates to wear a jacket and has been much more cooperative in wearing one. That's all of the new things I can think of for now, we've got to get to crawling after lunch.

I thought this picture was adorable.

Catching Up

I have been a terrible slacker about keeping up with this blog. We have had company all week and Friday we took the kids out of school so they could go to Disney World with thier cousins. S continued to check out all of the new sights, and tolerated the new surroundings very well. She LOVES being with her cousins, and they adore her like she is the most special person in the world. They only get to see her a few times a year, so these visits are extra special. All of this activity means little time for our NR therapy. We still do it, but haven't gotten in the full amount of time. Like I said before, the sensory work is on overtime with the other kids handling her non-stop. She encountered another little girl this morning at church and she was really well behaved. She invaded her personal space a little bit, but she acted very much in control. Her vocabulary continues to expand, it is so much fun to see and hear. She now sings Twinkle Twinkle all on her own without prompting. She will do This Little Piggy to other people too. When I sing Twinkle Twinkle to her, she'll fill in the last word of each verse. She finally got both feet off the ground when she jumps. This is a big accomplishment for her. She's been trying to get both feet off the ground for months now. Tomorrow is Monday, we'll be back into our routine. I am looking forward to it because I'm so excited about her progress. I feel like she's finally becoming who she wants to be. When we first came home from China, I'd always felt like she was trapped inside her body. Her chronological age was nowhere near her developmental age and that had to be frustrating. She was so creative with her communication skills, I knew her brain was working overtime, but her body wasn't in sync with it. I have since learned of another child who was adopted at a bit older age than her and was so traumatized by the adoption that it took more than a year for her to get to any level of comfort and start advancing. I think trauma had a lot to do with S's development, along with her prematurity. Although I'm in no hurry for her to get to any certain place, I do hope that her ability to express her feelings will come before her memory fades. I want to know how she felt at her OT appointments, I want to know how she felt about a lot of things. I don't expect her to have memories of her life without us, or even soon after, but I hope she remembers the recent past. I guess I know how she is feeling by her body language and comfort level. She is very comfortable with us and is one of the happiest kids I know. She has a great sense of humor and does really funny things. One of her sisters was having her repeat the letters of the alphabet for them. When they got to "Q", she repeated, "Cute". When they finished singing in church this morning, she clapped and said, "Yay, good girl!" She really keeps us entertained.

Tuesday's Report

Yesterday we went to the zoo. It was S's first trip to the zoo. You're probably wondering why her first trip to the zoo wasn't until she was already 2 &1/2 years old. Well, the reason is that I just didn't think she would be at all interested in it. She did look at the animals when I pointed them out, but wasn't excited about them in any way. She pet the emu in the petting zoo, but wasn't interested in petting any of the other animals. I put her hand on the sweet baby deer, but she didn't really like that. We went inside the aviary and she was really interested in the birds. She tried to pet them and grab them. Her sisters were feeding them,so she got to see them really close up. When we were feeding the giraffes, she was a little scared of the giant giraffe head right next to her, but she had a little smile on her face, so I know she liked them even though she was a little scared of it. Someone was calling their child and yelled out, "Mike". She repeated right after the mom, calling out, "Miiiike!" The boy looked back at her wondering why she was calling him too. It was hilarious.

She has done 2 new things in the past couple of days. I was singing the head, shoulders, knees, and toes song and she started going through the motions. We've never done this song together, so I was surprised that she started doing it. She has done the itsy bitsy spider to herself before, as well as this little piggy, but she won't really point to body parts even though she knows where they are. We haven't had anymore talking in the car, but yesterday her sister started singing Twinkle Twinkle and she started singing after her. She didn't know all of the words, but had the tune right. I've heard her try to sing before, but only a little bit and it was quite some time ago.

Today, we went for a trial session at the early intervention center. It looks like we're in, so I'm really excited. The most wonderful part of it was that I couldn't tell who were the special needs kids and who weren't. They are grouped according to developmental age and not chronological age. There is a limit to the age range, but it was good to see the kids at a close developmental age. I'm proud of my little girl each and everyday, but today I was especially proud. She played nicely with the other children and did a lot of talking. She tried to take some toys from other children, but in a very innocent way. She wanted what they had, pure and simple. If they hung on tight, or in most cases ripped it away, she was fine with that. One child from another class gave her a big shove when she went near him. She thought a couple of girls needed some encouragement to go down the slide, so she gently put both hands on their back and said, "Push". I tried to explain that they didn't need her help to go down the slide! She had a big smile on her face and was so happy to see them go down the slide. I'm happy that she will learn how to interact with other kids her age. I don't think she'll be bothered by the rough kids. They had a texture board and she was all over it when they showed it to her. She was a little slow to warm up to the finger paint, but played in it after all. She also wiggled her little body to the music that was on. The best part of the day was when they had some pumpkin pie and whipped cream on a plate. She took the spoon and put it right to her mouth. Once it touched her lips, she wiped it off, but putting it to her mouth without hesitating was huge! I can't wait to see what the rest of the day brings. We left first thing in the morning today and she was put in bed for her nap as soon as we walked in, so no therapy today yet. I did a little bit of rapid movement through space today in the shopping cart. She was getting bored so I gave her a wild ride down the isles with some sharp turns. We were running a little late this morning taking her sisters to school, so I think she got a little bit of a sensory experience in the car with some bold traffic maneuvers.

The Past Couple of Days

I've had company, so I knew it would be hard to keep up with the therapy and the journal. S has her cousins here, so her sensory simulation is pretty well taken care of by them. On Friday, when she was playing with her 8 year old cousin, she flopped down on her belly outside and attempted to crawl! She realized she couldn't do it on grass, so she got up, but it still amazes me how natural it is for her. I am so grateful to have found this therapy while she is so young. She did a lot of her tummy crawling yesterday before anyone came over. All of her sisters and cousins were sitting at the table for dinner yesterday and I wanted to put her there with the 6 of them. She hasn't sat in her high chair since last summer, she actually acts scared of it. I lifted her up and she tried not to sit in it, but I wanted to see if I could get her to stay in it. She reluctantly complied, and I scooted her up to the table and gave her her plate of familiar foods, plus a new food. She sat there and ate with them for nearly the entire time they were there. I was so proud of her for staying there AND for eating. She seems to be talking so much more. Today at church, her big sisters were whispering to eachother and I shushed them. S said, "Shhhhh, quiet". It was so cute.

I got a phone call the other day about the Early Intervention Center. They have a spot for her and we have to go in for an observation day. If the center and I agree that it's the right place for her, we have a spot! I think this will be great for her.

We've been back to the old position for feeding, but this morning I asked her if I could hold her like a baby and she got into the position. She has been more compliant in general to my requests. I am so excited for her, she must feel so victorious.

Good Stuff

One characteristic of S is that she is silent in the car. She's said a word or two to me when it's just her and I in the car, but it's rare. Yesterday, she just started talking. It was just babble and not to anyone specific, but it was shocking to hear her voice. I am always looking back at her to make sure she is okay because she is so silent all of the time. The other big thing that she did yesterday is that she hit the floor and tummy crawled all on her own. We have a mat that she crawls on, so if she did it on that, I wouldn't be so surprised. The shocker was that she did it on the tile in a totally different area. We moved to the mat and she did some more crawling. We place whatever object at the far end of the mat and tell her to crawl to it. When she gets to it, we slide it to the other end of the mat. She loves this little game, and sometimes we let her play with it for a minute and then slide it away to the other end. Tonight, when we made our way back to the mat after her spontaneous crawl, she found a little play plate that was the size of a quarter, and she slid it across the mat so she could crawl to it! I was so worried she was too young for this before I began, but now I think she is the perfect age for it. She can be entertained by the whole process and doesn't mind playing games with it. I think an older child who had a broader world, might get bored with it. Of course we are only a week and a half into it, it might be harder to keep her interested after a few more weeks. This morning, she was a little fussy. I took her in the chair and spun around with her for a few minutes. This seemed to calm her and she was okay after that. I've found that when she is getting into trouble and doesn't know what to do with herself, that's when she needs some sensory stimulation.

S's transformation reminds me of the movie Awakenings. If you've never seen it, it was amazing movie. Robin Williams played a doctor who experimented with different drugs and brought people out of a catatonic state to normalcy. When the effects of the drugs wore off, they returned to their previous state. Robert DeNiro was the patient. The ironic thing is that the movie was on when we were in China.

Today, I was talking on the phone and said something was stupid and she started saying, 'stupid'. I told her that wasn't a nice word and she shouldn't say it. I was saying, 'no' everytime she would say it and she shook her head in the affirmative and said, 'yes'. Now this doesn't sound like anything at all, but it is huge for her. When I said she was uncooperative, this concept illustrates how stubborn she is. She will not answer yes or no to anything. When we ask her something, we always ask her like we're expecting an answer, even though we never get one. She shook her head no when we first got her, but she must have found that the gesture of pushing whatever away was more effective. Her sister has been teaching her to shake her head and say yes or no, and she'll mimic her but never use it on her own. Today she didn't use it to answer a question, but she used it in response to me saying no.

What Does Tummy Crawling Look Like?

Here's what the tummy crawling looks like. We put a bribe at the end of the mat and tell her to crawl on her tummy to get it. If you'd have told me that she would cooperate with this a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have believed it. There isn't anything else I can tell her to do that she'll cooperate with every time. When I tell her to get down on her tummy, she hits the floor like she's in boot camp. My husband, who was sceptical of her need for this, is amazed at her level of cooperation. She seems to be willing to get closer emotionally to her sisters. She worships her 11 year old sister, and will do anything with her. She wanted her oldest sister to give her her bottle yesterday. I let her do it because this is the first time she requested her. She may have been doing this to reject me, which she did when she reached for her sister, but she was just having fun with her, so I think she just didn't want to leave her. Just in case she did it to be away from me, I will make sure I feed her if it happens again.

Day 8

We had no therapy at all today. We took S to get her picture taken and she was very scared, she didn't want to cooperate. Since we were gone the whole morning and had tons of things to do this afternoon, we didn't do any of our therapy. I will try to get a little bit in before we go to bed. We had a good night sleeping last night, no waking up. S has been a little moody since we started the program, she's very quick to throw a tantrum. She has also been needing to be held also, so it seems to balance out. I'm wondering what tomorrow will be like with no work today. I hope missing one day doesn't change anything.

When we toured the early intervention center, it was wonderful to see such a great place that works with special needs kids. They have a 50/50 mix of special needs kids and what they call, 'typically developing kids'. It was really hard for me to check the special needs box for S. I'm hoping her status will be temporary, and everything indicates it will. There are some kids in there whose status will never change. At least I have hope. Not that the other kids don't have hope, that sounds bad the way it was worded. We just don't know what S is capable of, she may end up at the same level as other kids or surpass them-or she may never get there. We just need to wait and see. At this age, we never really know how far they will go. I am full of hope for her, even if someone told me there was little promise of a bright future, I would still be okay with it. I will help her reach her full potential no matter how far that takes her.