Remembering.....

I was just reading through an email from a yahoo group I'm on and I was reminded of something. The email was talking about how siblings are affected when you have a child with RAD or some other issue. I remember my kids asking me, "Do you think she'll ever be okay?" I would always answer them, I think so, but there is really no way of knowing. I would follow up with telling them that we are doing everything we can to make sure she gets all the help she needs. It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart everytime anyone mentioned there could be anything wrong. There was a long period of time when I was so worried about the future. I can't tell you how nice it was to be able to tell the pediatrician and Bette that we really had no concerns other than eating. Even that is managable. I still need to micromanage at school, but I am not really what you would call 'worried'. I have a child with incredible self control. Amazing accomplishment-especially since impulse control was at the top of my list for Bette for so long. We have all been through a lot, but we are all better people on the other side.

Re-eval Update

I was ready to call it quits, especially since we haven't done any NR since May. Bette didn't give us the official release, and I accepted it. She gave us some simple exercises that will hopefully accelerate her vision therapy. We agreed to do it along with our vision exercises. I am about to admit something very revealing. I had this realization the other day after my appt with Bette, and what a testimony to NR it is. I have been very compliant with everything we've been prescribed by Bette, EXCEPT- the two things she still identified as deficits. Bette was surprised what we have done didn't correct her eyes. Vestibular exercises are the most important for that. They are also the easiest. Guess who though we could just get by with normal everyday vestibular as being adequate? I never concentrated on them or did them regularly. The other area where we aren't 100% is proprioceptive. S is still a little 'off' with knowing where she was touched when her eyes are closed. Again, the only other area I neglected, thinking everyday contact was enough. I have to fess up to Bette. I feel horrible, I failed again! The good news is that we have done enough work that we could stop if we needed to. Bette is the perfectionist I seldom have the energy for anymore. I used to be one, but my kids successfully remedied that. She knows we can get it perfectly and wants us to persevere. I will do it, I just wish I realized the importance of doing it when I was supposed to. I thought it was 'extra' work that could only make things better. We saw a SLP for feeding and it went really well. S allowed a foreign object far back in her mouth. The SLP actually listened to me and did what I asked of her. She saw the results of trusting me and was encouraged. I don't think she has ever worked with anyone quite like S. No surprise there, no one else has either! She has a plan and it sounds like we can make a lot of progress. I am encouraged and overwhelmed. I have gone to no mail on the NN group, I can't handle the garbage and childishness. I wish someone would just tell the emperor he has no clothes! It's obvious it has nothing to do with the AD policy, why are they perpetuating it? Most of the moms on there are way to smart to believe what they are trying to pass off an an excuse. I have better uses of my time, so I will not be on that group anymore.

It's Working

Our electronics control is working, she is allowed about 10-15 minutes/day and is absolutely fine with it. We had another incident at school, this time it was reported to us by the teacher. They promise they are ontop of things, but that is all they are sharing with me at this point. I want to trust them, but I would also like a detailed explanation of the plan they have in place. Not only does my child need to know she is safe, I need to know she is safe. She is too vulnerable to be put in this position. She cannot be a victim again. School should be a safe place. I can't write anymore right now, I have just convinced myself by putting this in front of my own eyes that I need to email the school. I cannot wait for something else to happen. UPDATE- I emailed and got a response. We should meet next week to discuss a plan. I know they are dealing with much bigger issues with the problem children, but that shouldn't mean that my child should be ignored.

Evil Electronics

Electronics have been temporarily banned in my house, at least for our youngest family member. It seems like a bit of an obsession was developing. I'm not sure if it was an outlet for the stress or it was because of the stress or it was causing some stress. I think it may have been a combination of all three. Sunday was the first time ever that S didn't go to church with me. She had to end her game on the Ipad and she was in a funk. That didn't end with the 3 minute car ride to church. I had to call my husband to come pick her up. She apparently sat by herself for a while when she got home, and then was okay. I told her she could earn it back on Monday for a short, timed amount. She was good all day, but mentioned getting the Ipad back several times. I finally let her finish the game she had to stop on Sunday, figuring that unfinished business was more than she could handle. She did just that and was fine with giving it up. She had it maybe a total of 10 minutes. It would have been shorter, but her big sister bumped her accidently and made her lose the game. I allowed one game. She will be home from school soon, and I'm sure that will be the first thing out of her mouth. I think I will give her a limited amount again and see how it goes. I am getting close to needing to call our attachment therapist. I don't know if consistent theraputic parenting will help her through this with time or I need to change something. I really sense some anger and that is very upsetting for me to see. I know it's probably good that she is allowing it to come out, but is she allowing it to come out or is that who she is becoming? Maybe no one can answer that. I miss the 99.9% happy girl who hadn't a care in the world. Apparently she did, she could never express it or should I say-allow herself to express it. Some say that she is finally feeling safe enough to be able to let it come out. I think I'm afraid I won't be able to do enough to help her through it. I think I am in fear of failure. Up until now, I have searched the world for the proper people to help her and have been successful. As hard as the other stuff was, I never imagined this would be harder. She said something yesterday that worried me. She fell on the playground and got two huge scrapes on her knees. First she said she didn't cry, then she said she was afraid the kids would call her a baby. Then she changed her story and said that is what really happened. I emailed the teacher to ask what actually happened. She had to hear someone, somewhere, call another child a baby. She is really picking up on all of the social aspect. On one hand it is good, on the other, she is seeing and hearing the worst of it. I don't want her to become bitter, defensive and angry because she is exposed to mean kids. Unfortunately, they are everywhere. Keeping her isolated is not the answer, although if it was, I would do it in a heartbeat. This is going to be one, long ride..... I'm still convinced that S will come out of this a bold, confident and motivated young lady. I'm not sure how I'll hold up, but I gladly accept my role and will never stop fighting for her, my other kids, and all children in need.

The week in review

We have had better weeks. I will try to find the good in all of this, although it will be difficult. This week has been the worst since school began. I had lunch with S twice this week, and I was able to see quite a lot of the class in action, both at lunch and at recess afterwords. When they told me last year that it was a lively group that would be in kindergarten this year, they weren't kidding. Unfortunately, there are many behavior problems in the class. It appears from what I was told, that notifying the parents has little effect. Oh no, that is not good. S had her feelings hurt this week, or at least it came out this week. They made fun of her writing or artwork, and she said it was everyone. It was started by one girl, and I don't know if many joined in or she just felt like they did. I felt so sad for her, she was so devastated. I think everyday has her on sensory overload. I'm not sure what to do at this point. The teacher was notified and took quick action. I hope they handle it well. When the entire class is reprimanded, I'm sure S feels like they are talking to her. It hurts her to see others yelled at, she is afraid at what might come next. They seem to use some harsh words, they certainly don't sugar coat things. I honestly like this approach because the soft approach never reaches the kids it is supposed to. We've had two horrible firday's in a row, I'm going to make sure we have an early bedtime tonight, especially since she was up at 4:30 this morning!!!! That NEVER happens. I get the feeling that she wanted to get up early because she wanted to just get the day over with early. I will try to talk a little more today, hopefully she will tell me more.

Getting Sooo Worn Out

I think I just have too much going on right now, I'm starting to be discouraged. S admitted something profound this weekend. Her big sister was home from college and it brought out some negative behavior. She admitted to me during her breakdown that she would rather not have her sister home at all because it was too hard for her to see her leave. She said she didn't want to let her love in her heart. It was a big revelation, but really hard for me. She has every right to feel this way. She is just a little girl, and she has had constant loss in her life, some temporary and some permanent. Ever since she remembers, her daddy leaves for days at a time. (he travels with work). 2 years after joining our family, her oldest sister goes to college. 2 years later, her other sister goes to college. In another 3 years, her other sister goes to college. Hopefully she'll be old enough to understand more. The death of our dog was devastating for her. She said she is only going to let my love in. Who can blame her for feeling that way? I'm the only family member who has been consistent. S is still coughing, it's been waking her up at night. It seems like it's going away on it's own, so I am going to wait to go to the doctor. It was rough getting back to school after a 4 day weekend. I just wasn't ready. We still haven't started our vision therapy, I feel like such a loser not being able to get that accomplished.

Two Days Off From School

We are enjoying two days off from school, although S is still coughing. she feels fine though. Yesterday, we watched Tarzan together. I really don't like that every Disney movie has violence and an orphaned child as the predominant theme. It gave us an opportunity to talk about the differences in her own family. She has recently been talking a lot about her skin color and why it is darker than ours. I try to point out that none of us within the family have the exact same color. She is not one to be conviced easily. She says she wants to bleach her hair blonde when she gets older and have blue contacts so she can be like us. I have read enough to know that this happens frequently in trans-racial adoptions. I thought I could provide enough love and security that this would not be a big issue, especially at this age. It's one of the many areas of adoption that I was a bit in denial about. Not exactly denial, but I didn't realize that it would happen this young and to this degree. When I said something about growing in another mommy's tummy, she said, "No, I grew in your tummy!" Oh how I wanted that to be true for her, it broke my heart.

Sidelined By Sickness

Today is day three of a stomach virus. On Friday, I went to the car ahead of her to put her backpack in. I walked back in to find her standing still in a pool of vomit. The poor baby, apparently she had been calling out to me but I didn't hear since I was outside. I was away from her no more than 30 seconds. I don't know if she called out to me before or after it happened. She stayed home from school but felt fine the rest of the day. She had about a 99 degree fever the entire day. The next day she was hungry, waking me up before the sun. She must have eaten too much too soon because she didn't keep it down. I got her to the bathroom in time, but she stood straight up so it missed the target a couple of times. Oh well, clean up of body fluids is part of being a mother. I think she thought by keeping her mouth shut, she could stop it from happening, but it just made the exit when she opened her mouth more explosive. She hovered around 100 degrees this day, and I gave her some Advil. She didn't do much at all, she felt worse than the day before. Today she woke up early, but not as early. I gave her a small amount of food at first. She fell back asleep for a couple of hours and was very perky. I thought it was the end. I gave her more to eat and things were fine. We got ready for church and she was eating some more. I took her temperature and it was a little over 100. I decided that I couldn't contaminate the congregation, so we are home. I am very disappointed. We have Chinese class today, I think that is a no go too. Hopefully I will get some work done today. I am also hoping that today is the last day of this illness so she can go to school tomorrow. She is very upset at missing school. Next week is only a 3 day week anyway. 4 weeks until our last NR re-eval. I am going to continue to update here, because it is important to document the changes after the NR work. NR promises to make the changes it is capable of making, but it doesn't mean that your child will be 100%. It means their potential is at 100%, but there could still be learning disabilities, etc. I don't know what this school year will bring, but I do know we will be prepared. Now that we have completed NR, I know what we have to work with and that I have done all that I can to have her reach her true potential. It feels so good to have it behind us. If you have read this from the beginning, you will know the gravity of what I am about to write. I told S that this time would be the last time we are going to see Bette and she replied, "I want to keep going back to see her and get more exercises!" If you had told me early on that i would be writing that I would have told you that you were crazy. Now that is an accomplishment.

Good News

I had a meeting on Monday with the resource teacher. She is new to the school, and was very nice. I gave her a brief history, and she didn't look at me like I had three heads. I can usually tell when they are just agreeing with me, I did not get this feeling from her. She anticipated my needs and offered suggestions before I asked. She seemed compassionate and understanding and knowledgeable about trauma and it's impact. I am amazed to see that they may have put things in place. I explained to her that S will think punishment for other kids is for her. The person I met with said that she will tell the teacher to point out when she is being good and make her the role model. Today she came home with a little paper that said she did a great job in Math today. Apparently she and another girl were also rewarded for being really good during nap time. I am hopeful about the future. Mistakes will happen, but at least we will avoid the known problems. I emailed the teacher asking for a meeting on Friday and didn't hear back, so I sent a note in today. She made a meeting time next week. We go for our final eval next month!

What a Week!

I has been a rough week. A series of little mishaps happened and it all blew up Friday night. We had a mini 'rage' which as usual, was very difficult to endure. The odd thing is that it sort of continued the next day in the form of negativity. The good thing is that she is able to verbalize her emotions quite well. The biggest thing is her fear of loss. She would rather have everything and everyone in her life gone rather that have us and fear losing us. It is better to have nothing at all. She even went so far as to say she just wanted to go back to live in China. I think it's all too good and she just can't bear the thought of losing it. I really can understand it. I think we can all relate a little bit to this. Haven't we all felt like it was a dream when we had everything going great in our lives and we were afraid we would wake up and it wasn't a reality. Everyone has a fear of loss, but not to this extreme. I wish there was some magical way of taking all of her fear and pain away.

I have a meeting with the school tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect, I hope I am prepared. They seem open to more than one meeting, it's not like the public school. I hope I can present it in a way they will understand. Today is a busy day that is unavoidable. if we can just get into bed early tonight, it will all be okay.