We are having a lovely Sunday all alone together. We did our NR work early this morning, so we have the entire day free! It feels wonderful. I'm not sure how we'll work things once school starts. Tomorrow I'm back to making phone calls. I sure hope I can feel good about where I send her, not just good, but really looking forward to it. Does such a school exist? When I last spoke with the school we will probably choose, they were going to have 8 children in the K class with a teacher and an aide. How can that not work out, right? I hope to get some videos posted in the next couple of days.

Well, we are still doing the dairy free thing. I don't know if it's just the circumstances of summer or other things, but I have noticed an increase in imaginative play. Maybe it's because I try to keep her away from TV, computer etc. It's just her and I for 3 days. It's exhausting but wonderful at the same time. She hates that everyone is away, but she's having fun. She is very mad at sis #3 who is visiting Grandma. She talked to her on the phone yesterday and said she didn't love her and didn't miss her. They are the closest, so she is most mad at her.

We are on a multivitamin now, liquid of course. I am sneaking the fish oil back in, but she could probably have more. I may have just written about this, but I had been giving her vitamins without iron. They look just like the vitamins with iron, so I just grabbed the wrong one. This is horrible since she was low on iron and I just got it to where it should be. I hope we didn't go low again. So maybe the addition of vitamins is giving her what she needs. She is BIG into letters the past few days. She can sound out and spell a few words and she is so excited. We are too!!! So I guess she is pretty much ready for kindergarten. She knows all of her letters and sounds and knows her numbers at least to 10. She can write all of the letters and numbers too. The good thing about the school she may go to is that they will take her wherever she can go, not just grade level. She has big potential in many areas. Maybe this will work out after all. NR went great today!

Bad News or Is It?

We just found out that the school we were planning on S attending didn't accept her. We spoke with someone back in May that made it seem like a done deal, all we had to do is make a decision and let them know. She was supposed to let us know when they hired the new teacher so we could interview her. I didn't hear anything, so I decided to email her about 2 weeks ago. I finally made an appt to see the principal last Thursday. She made it seem like she would get back to me soon. I emailed the original person who I spoke with in May and I didn't hear back from her. The principal called me today and said they decided not to take her because there was no one else her age in this program. It didn't really make sense because they want her to eventually be with the other kids in the regular classroom. There are only 8 or so children in the entire program K-8, so no one has more than 1 person their age. I am really upset that they couldn't have let me know sooner or let me know that she might not get in. Now I'm forced to look at another school and decide by next week. She has to be registered by 8/2 for her scholarship. I have to accept that it was meant to be this way and when one door closes, another opens. Maybe this other school will be the best thing for her and all will work out great. I just hate that I don't have many choices. NR went great today, hallelujia!

Last night she asked me, "Do you love me?" I was so surprised to hear her ask that. I tell her I love her a million times a day. She seems to really be processing her emotions. She clearly doesn't understand so much about interpersonal relationships. When her sister said she couldn't do something, she said she was sorry and that she made a mistake. The therapist wants me to teach her these phrases, but she is obviously just regurgitating them and doesn't understand the meaning.

New Pattern

We were given a new pattern to try today and wait to see if there is any reaction. Any of the fetals can bring things up, so this new one could bring some bad stuff. We know from experience to start slow and proceed with caution. We are hoping to work our way through her anxiety by doing these. NR went really well today, it definitely goes better earlier in the day. I'm the one who needs the encouragement to get moving. Bette will be in my area in about 6 weeks. It can't come soon enough, I need to hear some good news. S isn't good at changing her NR routine, so I'm not looking forward to that. I have added some things in on my own lately and she does fine with it. I asked her older sisters if they saw a difference since we went dairy free and they thought she was more energetic(that's not a good thing, she has the energy of 30 people). We still haven't potty trained for #2 yet, I don't know what we'll do when school starts. If it's only 3 hours/day, it shouldn't be a problem. I just hope that she isn't afraid to use the potty at school and they end up saying they can't handle her. I shouldn't worry about what might happen, I keep forgetting that worrying is a waste of time and energy.

Day 4 Dairy Free

Although I haven't noticed any big difference with dairy free, I am going to give it a few more days at least. Today she walked past a construction vehicle and it made a huge noise. Her sister was walking ahead of me holding her hand ao I had to ask her what her reaction was. Normally she would have jumped out of her skin and they told me she just asked what the noise was. Her usual anxiety in her own home is pretty much the same. Exercises took a little more time today but still went well.

Yesterday was a better day but I'm wondering if going off of dairy can cause some regression. I can't imagine, but she just seems more emotional. Last night her sleep was so restless, I got limited sleep as a result. Her anxiety has not changed at all so far. I'm not giving up yet, but this is discouraging. I am wondering if going dairy free is allowing her brain to clear a little and she is just processing more, making her a little more sensitive. I wish I knew the answer, I really hate the trial and error. Wouldn't it have been nice to see the instant results like the other family that tried it.

We blew through exercises today, it was wonderful! Then we went to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie. It was cute and she did really well. I had to have my hands over her ears because of the deafening previews. Why is the volume so loud anyway? She did enjoy it though, but next movie we are just going to bring along her headphones. I wish she could tolerate earplugs, at least they would be more presentable. This morning, I turned on the TV and she asked me to change it after a while. She commented at one point, "Look at all the happy faces." What a thrill to hear her make such an observation. she studies expressions in books for a few months now, she is really trying to figure out facial expressions. I just got her a series of books that seem like they will do a good job of teaching some social skills. they are the old Little Miss and Mister series. If I remember, I will post how they are.

Last night was horrible. S went for a walk with big sis and her boyfriend. She had a flower and dropped it on the way home. Big sis doesn't realize how careful she needs to be with her words, and I think she said something that S perceived as rejection. Somehow, she was saying she didn't want the flower anymore even when big sis wanted to pick it up for her. At least that's the story I got. She came home really upset. This just snowballed into another area, what to wear to beg. She had the dress up outfit on and wanted to wear it to bed. I told her it wouldn't be comfortable earlier but didn't say no. So she started asking again and after this incident and it being bedtime, I said yes. All was well until she said she wanted to wear it tomorrow for exercises. I said no, but she could wear it to bed. On a normal day, this would have been fine. I took her upstairs to bed and it just got worse and worse. She wanted it off now for bed. I had this long talk with her about how I don't know how she feels because she says the opposite when she doesn't get her way(per therapist). She was in stuck mode and going back and forth, so I just told her that if she was going to keep saying the opposite, that I would make all her decisions for her and that she would not be given a choice. She said she wanted the outfit off and I told her it stays on because I don't know how she really feels. It was a horrible exchange, but I felt that was the right thing at the moment. We got into bed(both in my bed) and she continued. Then she said she wanted to be alone in her bed. I knew this wouldn't work and that she really didn't want that. I told her that I was making the decisions and she was going to stay in my bed. She clearly needed me, but had to say the opposite. She would have stayed in her bed to prove me wrong, at least temporarily. She has to act so strong sometimes, it really hard to watch. I told her I needed to leave to get ready for bed and she yelled, "Ditch me, I want you to ditch me!" I told her that I don't ditch anyone and that I would be back. When I got back, she needed to lay ontop of me and eventually next to me. When I pulled my arm out from under her, she was so insulted that she just moved away completely. I woke up feeling as horrible as when I went to sleep. I hope that this is short lived and that she wakes up her happy self. She does still have the outfit on, I hope taking it off to get ready for church doesn't bring it up again.

Update-she woke up like I did, remembering the whole episode. She ended up saying she didn't want to wear the outfit from last night when I told her we would be changing it for church. She had a white tank top underneath that she left on after taking her outfit off. She said she didn't want that either and after discussing it with her to no avail, I took it off in a little fit of my own and flung it across the room. She just layed in my arms for a long time, then was over it and went upstairs where we chose an outfit to wear. Everything was fine after that. We got home from church and after lunch she decided she liked the clothes again. She has them on now. Why do I perpetuate this with her? I actually try to diffuse it as quickly as possible, but hse refuses to let things go. The past couple of days, she gives a little soft punch when she wants attention. This usually happens when we are out and talking to someone. I told her this was not acceptable and that I gave her a little signal to use when she needs to get my attention.

Nothing New

We ended up skipping yesterday because I ended up being gone 4 hours and it was just too late. Today went well even though we skipped a day. As a matter of fact, it went really well. It was just the 2 of us home for most of the day and we had a great day together. Today was her first day 100% of dairy. I haven't noticed any difference with anything. I am going to give it at least a week and see if there is anything. I attribute it to a retained moro reflex. The more I read about it, I am convinced that this is the reason for her anxiety. She test positive for it, there is no doubt about it. The good news is that there is more I can be doing to inhibit it. Now I just need to implement it. Some of the exercises that I have found are too difficult for her. I have contacted Bette to see if she has some suggestions. I have a phone number for someone who does cranial sacral therapy, so I will call them on Monday.

An Emotional Day

I am just loving that fact that attachment is taking off so, but it comes at a price. S is getting anxiously attached to me. Yesterday I needed to accompany big sis to at least a 2 hour appt. S kept saying, "I don't want to be away from you." OMG, so now what am I supposed to do? I wish I had a direct line to a councelor at that momment to tell me what to say. It all worked out in the end, but I felt so horrible to have to leave her. I ended up pacifying her by telling her she could go to the next appt with me. This finally diffused her, she was not letting go. So while I'm thrilled she finally wants to be with me, I don't know what to do. I hope this doesn't happen when she goes to school. I can't worry about things that may never happen, it wastes too much energy. She wanted me to sleep with her in her bed last night(she's in a toddler bed). I told her I had to leave once she went to sleep and she seemed agreeable. Since I was so guilty for what went on earlier, I decided to stay with her when she woke up when I tried to sneak out. I brushed my teeth and got my pillow and came back to her. She hugged me tight and said, "I love you and I DO need a mommy." It made it worth sleeping in a fetal position crammed in a toddler bed. I woke up at 5AM so cramped and in pain, I decided to leave. She didn't wake up. You can tell she has older sisters because she says to me, "Don't ditch me in the night." Gotta love that older sister influence-NOT! We got through our NR in record time yesterday, hope it goes that well today.