I'm Heartbroken

Okay, so I did what I said I would do last night. I got out the story books I made about adoption. I got out the photo album of the only baby pictures I have(an early life book). She happily looked through the books and listen to HER story. She has always loved these books, and tonight was no different. She flipped through the photo book a little more quickly than usual. When I turned out the lights for bedtime, she gave me a huge hug and told me she loved me. Then she said something very sad. She asked me if I would never______ and never______ and always take care of her? I can't be sure exactly what happened to her, but her story is the same each time. I asked her to tell me more about it and she said she couldn't because the story was too long. I asked if she could make it short and she said no. Then she said that HE told her not to tell anyone. I thought this was really strange, I would think that if she saw something that they wouldn't have told her not to tell anyone, she didn't even speak a word in China. I thought about it for a while and figured out that she was probably saying what someone said, but not to her, but her nanny or other adult. I think this because she told me what someone said before this. This was the story she told me where I asked questions and I could verify the accuracy based on the details she provided. I had pictures that showed what she described and I know she had never seen them before. I am writing these things down in detail because someday, hopefully, the memories will fade for her. This story will be written down so if she is ever troubled by memories when she is older, this can help her work things out.

On a better note, we started our new program yesterday and she did great. I took me a while to get it down myself, it took a lot of coordination!

Re-eval report

We had our re-eval on Thursday. No, we didn't graduate, but we are so close that it is almost certain we will by next time. We got just a short list of activities that will be no problem to work on. It feels so good to be here, I hope I can keep up the momentum to get through the finish line. I had wanted to start ILS with nothing else to do, but looks like we will have to do both. We have so little to do, that it will work out just fine. Yesterday, we went on a class field trip. S wanted to hold the teachers hand and not mine or her dad's. I'm really not sure if this was her rigid thinking or a serious attachment issue. I think I'll go for advice on the attachment group instead of consulting our AT since there really isn't anything else to talk about. It was great to see her interact with her classmates. She preferred her teachers to me though, which I thought was a little strange. Then something really strange happened. She said to her teacher when she grabbed her hand, "Are you my mommy?" The teacher said no and then she asked, "Did you take care of me until my mommy came to get me?" The teacher was distracted with the other kids so I don't think she answered her, at least I didn't hear an answer. I asked her later that day why she asked her teacher that and asked her to explain. I asked her if she thought her teacher took care of her in China and she said yes. I reminded her of who took care of her. She seemed to remember and was okay with that. I am confused that she is confused. Do I go over her story again to refresh her memory? Could she actually be confused? I feel terrible that maybe I should be going over her story again and again. I am afraid to bring up bad memories. I guess we need to get past that. She loves going over her story books, so I shouldn't hesitate. I have just been following her lead on when she wants to read them and look at them.

Bette did a talk in my area, and it connected me to many more people. I want to be able to share this blog with them so they can read our story and be encouraged. But, as usual, I have thrown people under the bus and don't want local people to be reading about them, especially since I have stories about people we have dealt with. There are no names, but I think I will have to modify things before letting people read it. In some ways I regret that, but they are all part of our story. People who don't understand have been the biggest obstacle to our healing and progress.

Our Re-evaluation is Today!

Our re-evaluation is working a little differently this time, so I did a phone consult with Bette before she actually sees us. I have been racking my brain to come up with something to tell her. I asked my husband to come up with things also, and he could come up with one. Did we ever think we would see this day? Yes, there are some lingering issues, but they are slowly getting better and are not NR related. Bette said she's not ready to let us go, she wants to keep in touch to hear the rest of the story. I am confident that her future will bring great things. I don't know that I will keep up the blog as much as I have been, I don't even know if anyone reads it with any regularity. I am glad I documented her story, because I think it offers hope to so many people dealing with difficulties. I have found so many answers, I want to be able to help others and save them and their children precious time. Our story isn't over, even when our NR story ends. If fact, her new chapter is just beginning.

Another Accomplishment

This past weekend, we went to the science center with another family. S loved it, we have to go back for sure. S asked to go into a hurricane wind simulator. She has always hated everything involved with what she was about to experience. Wind, fans, and motor sounds-all on the most feared list. She didn't love it, but she didn't want to do it again. She wasn't in a panic to get out of it. She calmly walked away and went on to something else. To use her words, I was "impressed, proud and big happy" with her. We had at least one more crying incident. This one came on much faster, she was able to turn it into a cry very fast. Then-it was over and all was good again. I think she is getting the hang of it. Her 10 year old cousin is staying with us and she is having a hard time with it. She adores her and is obsessed with her, but she is a little boss monster. She wants to control what goes on and it is really difficult. I'm going to post on the attach group for some advice. This isn't the first time she has been bossy. I know that she has a need for control because of her beginnings, but I also need to know how to deal with it. We have less than a week before her re-eval.

One Quick Thing

We have been out of school all week so far, but I think even if she weren't sick, she wouldn't want to go. She has been very strange when I ask her if she will be ready to go to school. I asked her if there was anything going on that I should know about, then asked leading questions to try to figure it out. Today, since she is better, I told her that I thought she would go to school tomorrow. She said she didn't want to go. I told her she had to go, and that school was almost over for the year. She was sitting at the table getting ready to eat something and I looked at her precious little face and saw one big pout on it. This is the child who doesn't cry sad tears. Or should I say, didn't used to cry sad tears. Somehow I got it out of her that she didn't want to go to school because she didn't want to be away from me! Did I hear that right? She was upset because she wanted to be with me! Oh, we have come so far... I watched her face trying to keep in the tears, her eyes were all welled up with tears just waiting to spill out. I wiped her eyes as we talked and told her it was okay to cry. She let loose, crawled into my arms and cried. It was while I was comforting her that I discovered that she didn't know how to cry. Not that she couldn't cry, but it just didn't sound like sadness. She would kind of force it out, bystanders(and judgemental people) would think she was faking. She would let out those little forceful half yell/half cries now and then, with the rest sounding like fake crying. I was devastated to think she had held it in for so long that she lost the ability to freely cry. I just let her go for as long as she needed to, which was probably about 5-10 minutes. Again, after it was over, she was much better. She asked if she could stay a short day and I said she could. She eventually said she wanted to stay a full day. I told her we would decide in the morning. I am proud of her that she seems to be allowing herself to feel and express sadness. I was also thinking how hard this is for me to know her little heart is allowing itself to be vulnerable again. Although I thought life was so hard before, not knowing how this would all unfold, if she would ever be able to do the things she is doing today. Now that all that is in place, I find myself wishing she was so tough like before. I don't really mean that, she was in a terrible place before, I just didn't know how she was suffering. There was so much else that she was working on at the same time. We helped her in every area, just some came together before others. She really misses her sisters at college and she just recently misses her daddy when he goes to work. I love that she is showing that she misses them, and at the same time it is hard to know she misses them. I know this is a big step in her attachment, and thrilled that along with everything else that's going well, that we have this too.

Never Thought I Would See The Day!!

As I typed the title, I think saying never is a little harsh. I hate to say I think something will never happen, but this one was close to possibly never happening. Anything with a motor sound, particularly a fan, was an object of complete terror. Even a slight breeze was terrifying when we first got home. Since fans are used EVERYWHERE in China, I think my poor baby had a fan blowing on her and she was powerless to get away from it. Imagine being 14 months old and not being able to roll over in your crib. Anyway, we have had a gradual desensitization to fans, and slightly to motors and motor sounds. This past Sunday was our church picnic. They always have the infatable bounce houses. In the past, she wouldn't go anywhere near them. This year, she anticipated it and said she was going to go on it. We were pretty convinced that she would go near it, but not sure she wouldn't bail out at the last minute. There was a large one and a small one. She decided the big one with big kids jumping wildly was not going to be the one she tried first. She very cautiously went into the small one. She held onto the sides at first, and within a few minutes was jumping. I was jumping too, with joy!!! My little one had conquered something that was at the top of her most feared list!!! Each time she does something new, she gains confidence.

She brought up that she let herself cry. She has been giving that so much thought. None of that has come up again, but she hasn't forgotten about it. She told me she had a nightmare about dying. She has been home sick yesterday and today with a fever and cough. Yesterday, I had an appt to get my teeth cleaned. She is afraid to go to the dentist, she hasn't been as a patient yet. She has shown her teeth to the hygenist from a distance, but that's as far as she has gotten. She sat in the chair in the room with me the entire time like a little angel. I am so thrilled to be at this point in her life. We are where I imagined it would take years more to get to. I'd better get to planning our graduation post!!

Catching Up-again

We had our Spring Break this past week, so there hasn't been any time to catch up. I really need to prioritize better. I have a bunch of organize books and websites to peruse, yet don't make time to do it. I just typed a huge post and it didn't save!!! So much for trying to catch up. Now I don't have the time to write it all over again. So the short version is that we had a breakthrough with emotion. I think I was able to turn around the situation and make it something good. She was saying she didn't want to live and then when we went to bed, she was letting out these deep half scream, half cries. I told her how proud I was of her that she let herself cry. She really wasn't letting herself cry, but I grabbed the opportunity to convince her that it was an amazing thing. It really was, because I have only seen this type of release only 2 other times. They were each very healing, but horrible to go through. She seemed to be comforted by the thought that what she was doing was a good thing. When it was over, her mood took a complete about face. She was sweet and happy and telling me she wanted to live forever. The next morning all was fine. This morning she woke up saying she was in a bathroom and lost forever.(her nightmare) This comes from our 2 recent trips where she ran ahead onto an elevator and train. I had to tell her she could get lost if the doors closed and we weren't right behind her. When we are pulling luggage, we can't run into those places as fast as her. I wish I had ime to elaborate like I did in the erased post, but I don't. We go for our re-eval in less than 2 weeks. I am not expecting to graduate, but we are close. I'm ready to move on and do the integrated listening program with her over the summer. That should take care of any remaining issues.

New Realization

Yesterday, S was at Chinese school. She normally sits in fear of the bell ringing, getting anxious 20 minutes before it is rung, with her hands over her ears. Yesterday, it went off and she calmly asked, "What was that?" What is even more remarkable is that we hadn't been to class in 3 weeks. That would have given her more reason to be anxious. I have been seeing less sensitivity to sound lately, what a blessing that is!!! She is even trying to eat more food. I spoke with her quite a bit about eating more foods when we were away. Yesterday, she tried a new flavor of greek yogurt and liked it! It was raspberry, with SEEDS. I thought the minute she detected a seed it would be over. She only had 2 bottles yeasterday. The end is in sight, finally. My only concern is replacing the nutrition properly. One day none of this will be a concern....

School

We had a report card conference with the teachers yesterday. They said that all of the children were asking when she would be back the entire time she was gone. When Monday rolled around, they all anticipated her return. They were so sad she didn't come in that day. They thought she wasn't coming back at all :( (she slept until 1 pm that day after being awake most of the night)
On Tuesday, we got caught in traffic for a big event, so we were 30 minutes late for school. When she made her grand entrance, she was mobbed by all of her classmates. Her teacher said she was quite overwhelmed, so she made the kids give her space. Apparently the rest of the week, everyone wanted to parter up with her, she was the one to be with. What exciting news for this mommy! I hope this does wonders for her self esteem, even though I think she only has self esteem issues with adults. She can't wait for her first soccer game today. We did her NR before our teacher conference. She really wanted to dilly dally, but we got through it all. I think we might work through this weekend to make up for lost time.

Catching Up

I think we are finally over jet lag. It was a busy trip, but I think we got a lot accomplished. We went to establish a connection to a small orphanage to make some improvements there. After visiting the orphanage and a school in one day, after hours of travel, S said she wanted to leave and go back to our hotel. She was clearly overwhelmed. We went to a private foster home with about 40 children a few days later. We have been here 2 times before in previous years. Each time, she has some issues with being with the babies. We stayed for several hours, and she actually played with some of the older babies. This was a huge step for her. She really managed the trip better than any typical 5 year old would. Considering her circumstances, she did better than anyone could have expected her to! Her latest question for me is, "Are you (im)pressed and proud and big happy with me?" Of course I always answer yes. She really needs my approval with everything, which is a huge step with attachment. Yesterday she started soccer. I signed her up mainly so she can meet other kids her age that live nearby. Since she doesn't go to the local elementary school, she doesn't know anyone that lives near her. She had so much fun! I couldn't be happier. I think she is actually going to be really good at the game. Without NR, this could never have been possible. I just wish others were overwhelmingly convinced by our progress. Even though some people have seen where she started, so many are content to think it would have happened on it's own. I KNOW it wouldn't have. I saw the progress before NR, and it was at a snails pace. I saw the quantum leap once we dedicated ourselves to it daily. There is no doubt that this works. I think the reason parents don't want to do it is because they can't make the commitment. I thought I could in the beginning and I couldn't. You need a child who can give some level of cooperation. I have had several people move my daughter's limbs to get through it, and it doesn't work. We needed a level of attachment first, but ironically, it came from the time spent doing NR. In the beginning, a lot of the time was spent trying to do NR, but not accomplishing it. This is where the attachment came in. The quantity of one on one time got us to where we needed to be. I think she also saw that I wasn't going to give up, so she had to give in eventually. I really don't think we are going to graduate this time, and I'm not ready to hear it. I am going into our next eval expecting to hear we need more time, and will be happily surprised to find out we are finished. We have only been doing 5 days a week instead of 7. We also have had an almost 2 week break. We didn't do anything yesterday, but did start back the day before. She did great!!! She was so cooperative, I was pleasantly surprised. We go for our re-eval in about 4 weeks, I so hope we are finished.