I Should Have Expected This

I kept thinking to myself, I'll have to check how long things have been going really well. It seems like such a long time since there has been any resistance to doing our daily NR. I shouldn't have had that thought because sure enough, today was different. This morning, I mentioned something about the story she told me about when she lived in China. It was in response to something she said earlier, so I didn't bring it up on my own. Then later she saw the first baby picture we have of her. She said, "I'm adopted." It's because that is the picture I have in her adoption books. Then when we were doing her exercises, she didn't want to do them. I told her that it would help her do the things she wanted to and help her brain and body work better together. I also mentioned that when she tried to talk and said the same word over and over again, her exercises would help with that. I think this was the first time she was embarassed. She said later that she wanted to talk like that. So don't I feel like the worst mom in the world after that. We went through many starts and stops, and she kept on asking for hug breaks which was great. I have only heard, "I love you mommy and I DO need you." She even resolved her issues with her sister being away for 10 days and said she loved her and needed her too. I really hate that she is tormented like that, but so thrilled that she is showing that she feels many different emotions. I found her big sisters old mood stamps. We play with stamps after each lap of creeping and crawling. I start off a sentence saying I feel (fill in the emotion) when(fill in the situation) asnd then I ask her to do the same. This is yielding some results. We have decided on a school and I hope it works out. The good thing is that is starts almost a week later than my 8th grader. So at least we will have a little time in between to get used to things. I am looking into working part time near where she goes to school to pay for some of the gas. We will be driving 30 minutes each way and in the begining, she will only go 3 hours. I will need to find something to do while I'm waiting. We might start vision therapy and that is 45 minutes away. We will be going 1X/week for her sister, so we will be in the car a lot.

Busy Day

Today started off with an appt at a prospective school. I was expecting it to be an obligatory stop just to say I exhausted all possibilities. I ended up really liking it and now my decision is even more difficult. I have an email in to the other school and I guess their answer will help me decide.

Next up was our 5 year check up at the pediatrician. The bad news is that the wax is back in her one ear. We have been vigilant about using drops daily. She did not cooperate with the hearing test, so we don't know if she even hears out of that ear. So looks like we'll be back to the ENT. She got 3 shots today, what a brave girl. She watched them do it and screamed the entire time but was quiet the instant it was over. She knew it was time to leave and that everything was be over, so she was happy.

We did most of our NR today even though I was hardly home at all. We just didn't do our fetals. I think with all she was through today, we can skip them for one day. It looks like we are going back to dairy since it didn't make a difference. We are going to try a supplement called Pediakids for anxiety. I checked out the ingredients with my pediatrician and she said it would be fine. Hopefully it will make a difference.

We are having a lovely Sunday all alone together. We did our NR work early this morning, so we have the entire day free! It feels wonderful. I'm not sure how we'll work things once school starts. Tomorrow I'm back to making phone calls. I sure hope I can feel good about where I send her, not just good, but really looking forward to it. Does such a school exist? When I last spoke with the school we will probably choose, they were going to have 8 children in the K class with a teacher and an aide. How can that not work out, right? I hope to get some videos posted in the next couple of days.

Well, we are still doing the dairy free thing. I don't know if it's just the circumstances of summer or other things, but I have noticed an increase in imaginative play. Maybe it's because I try to keep her away from TV, computer etc. It's just her and I for 3 days. It's exhausting but wonderful at the same time. She hates that everyone is away, but she's having fun. She is very mad at sis #3 who is visiting Grandma. She talked to her on the phone yesterday and said she didn't love her and didn't miss her. They are the closest, so she is most mad at her.

We are on a multivitamin now, liquid of course. I am sneaking the fish oil back in, but she could probably have more. I may have just written about this, but I had been giving her vitamins without iron. They look just like the vitamins with iron, so I just grabbed the wrong one. This is horrible since she was low on iron and I just got it to where it should be. I hope we didn't go low again. So maybe the addition of vitamins is giving her what she needs. She is BIG into letters the past few days. She can sound out and spell a few words and she is so excited. We are too!!! So I guess she is pretty much ready for kindergarten. She knows all of her letters and sounds and knows her numbers at least to 10. She can write all of the letters and numbers too. The good thing about the school she may go to is that they will take her wherever she can go, not just grade level. She has big potential in many areas. Maybe this will work out after all. NR went great today!

Bad News or Is It?

We just found out that the school we were planning on S attending didn't accept her. We spoke with someone back in May that made it seem like a done deal, all we had to do is make a decision and let them know. She was supposed to let us know when they hired the new teacher so we could interview her. I didn't hear anything, so I decided to email her about 2 weeks ago. I finally made an appt to see the principal last Thursday. She made it seem like she would get back to me soon. I emailed the original person who I spoke with in May and I didn't hear back from her. The principal called me today and said they decided not to take her because there was no one else her age in this program. It didn't really make sense because they want her to eventually be with the other kids in the regular classroom. There are only 8 or so children in the entire program K-8, so no one has more than 1 person their age. I am really upset that they couldn't have let me know sooner or let me know that she might not get in. Now I'm forced to look at another school and decide by next week. She has to be registered by 8/2 for her scholarship. I have to accept that it was meant to be this way and when one door closes, another opens. Maybe this other school will be the best thing for her and all will work out great. I just hate that I don't have many choices. NR went great today, hallelujia!

Last night she asked me, "Do you love me?" I was so surprised to hear her ask that. I tell her I love her a million times a day. She seems to really be processing her emotions. She clearly doesn't understand so much about interpersonal relationships. When her sister said she couldn't do something, she said she was sorry and that she made a mistake. The therapist wants me to teach her these phrases, but she is obviously just regurgitating them and doesn't understand the meaning.

New Pattern

We were given a new pattern to try today and wait to see if there is any reaction. Any of the fetals can bring things up, so this new one could bring some bad stuff. We know from experience to start slow and proceed with caution. We are hoping to work our way through her anxiety by doing these. NR went really well today, it definitely goes better earlier in the day. I'm the one who needs the encouragement to get moving. Bette will be in my area in about 6 weeks. It can't come soon enough, I need to hear some good news. S isn't good at changing her NR routine, so I'm not looking forward to that. I have added some things in on my own lately and she does fine with it. I asked her older sisters if they saw a difference since we went dairy free and they thought she was more energetic(that's not a good thing, she has the energy of 30 people). We still haven't potty trained for #2 yet, I don't know what we'll do when school starts. If it's only 3 hours/day, it shouldn't be a problem. I just hope that she isn't afraid to use the potty at school and they end up saying they can't handle her. I shouldn't worry about what might happen, I keep forgetting that worrying is a waste of time and energy.

Day 4 Dairy Free

Although I haven't noticed any big difference with dairy free, I am going to give it a few more days at least. Today she walked past a construction vehicle and it made a huge noise. Her sister was walking ahead of me holding her hand ao I had to ask her what her reaction was. Normally she would have jumped out of her skin and they told me she just asked what the noise was. Her usual anxiety in her own home is pretty much the same. Exercises took a little more time today but still went well.

Yesterday was a better day but I'm wondering if going off of dairy can cause some regression. I can't imagine, but she just seems more emotional. Last night her sleep was so restless, I got limited sleep as a result. Her anxiety has not changed at all so far. I'm not giving up yet, but this is discouraging. I am wondering if going dairy free is allowing her brain to clear a little and she is just processing more, making her a little more sensitive. I wish I knew the answer, I really hate the trial and error. Wouldn't it have been nice to see the instant results like the other family that tried it.

We blew through exercises today, it was wonderful! Then we went to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie. It was cute and she did really well. I had to have my hands over her ears because of the deafening previews. Why is the volume so loud anyway? She did enjoy it though, but next movie we are just going to bring along her headphones. I wish she could tolerate earplugs, at least they would be more presentable. This morning, I turned on the TV and she asked me to change it after a while. She commented at one point, "Look at all the happy faces." What a thrill to hear her make such an observation. she studies expressions in books for a few months now, she is really trying to figure out facial expressions. I just got her a series of books that seem like they will do a good job of teaching some social skills. they are the old Little Miss and Mister series. If I remember, I will post how they are.

Last night was horrible. S went for a walk with big sis and her boyfriend. She had a flower and dropped it on the way home. Big sis doesn't realize how careful she needs to be with her words, and I think she said something that S perceived as rejection. Somehow, she was saying she didn't want the flower anymore even when big sis wanted to pick it up for her. At least that's the story I got. She came home really upset. This just snowballed into another area, what to wear to beg. She had the dress up outfit on and wanted to wear it to bed. I told her it wouldn't be comfortable earlier but didn't say no. So she started asking again and after this incident and it being bedtime, I said yes. All was well until she said she wanted to wear it tomorrow for exercises. I said no, but she could wear it to bed. On a normal day, this would have been fine. I took her upstairs to bed and it just got worse and worse. She wanted it off now for bed. I had this long talk with her about how I don't know how she feels because she says the opposite when she doesn't get her way(per therapist). She was in stuck mode and going back and forth, so I just told her that if she was going to keep saying the opposite, that I would make all her decisions for her and that she would not be given a choice. She said she wanted the outfit off and I told her it stays on because I don't know how she really feels. It was a horrible exchange, but I felt that was the right thing at the moment. We got into bed(both in my bed) and she continued. Then she said she wanted to be alone in her bed. I knew this wouldn't work and that she really didn't want that. I told her that I was making the decisions and she was going to stay in my bed. She clearly needed me, but had to say the opposite. She would have stayed in her bed to prove me wrong, at least temporarily. She has to act so strong sometimes, it really hard to watch. I told her I needed to leave to get ready for bed and she yelled, "Ditch me, I want you to ditch me!" I told her that I don't ditch anyone and that I would be back. When I got back, she needed to lay ontop of me and eventually next to me. When I pulled my arm out from under her, she was so insulted that she just moved away completely. I woke up feeling as horrible as when I went to sleep. I hope that this is short lived and that she wakes up her happy self. She does still have the outfit on, I hope taking it off to get ready for church doesn't bring it up again.

Update-she woke up like I did, remembering the whole episode. She ended up saying she didn't want to wear the outfit from last night when I told her we would be changing it for church. She had a white tank top underneath that she left on after taking her outfit off. She said she didn't want that either and after discussing it with her to no avail, I took it off in a little fit of my own and flung it across the room. She just layed in my arms for a long time, then was over it and went upstairs where we chose an outfit to wear. Everything was fine after that. We got home from church and after lunch she decided she liked the clothes again. She has them on now. Why do I perpetuate this with her? I actually try to diffuse it as quickly as possible, but hse refuses to let things go. The past couple of days, she gives a little soft punch when she wants attention. This usually happens when we are out and talking to someone. I told her this was not acceptable and that I gave her a little signal to use when she needs to get my attention.