In the Beginning......continued....

I was remembering some other things about the beginning of our journey. I remember that going to a store was a nightmare. She screamed when I tried to put her in a cart, refused to hold my hand if I put her down, so I had to hold her with one arm and push the cart with the other. She would just run off and never look back. She wouldn't respond if I called to her, nor would she ever sense any danger. It didn't matter what tone of voice I used with her, she didn't respond to any of it. She couldn't be coerced or bribed, she just did her own thing. For so long, I just thought she didn't understand. There was a lot that she didn't understand, but there was also a lot that she just held in until it was safe. It's easy to look back and see things now, but when we were deep into it, we couldn't tell. I remember that she was so busy, so wild and crazy, that her big sisters didn't feel they could take care of her if I had to do something. They were exhausted after a few minutes. When I would go upstairs to take a shower or do something, I would come back and they would say they were watching her for HOURS. Some of this was just them being dramatic, but there was no doubt that it was hours worth of effort. She just never quite fit the criteria for diagnosing a particular problem. Now the picture is much clearer and attachment is at the forefront. We had a final conference with the teachers yesterday. They did not see any area that she was having trouble with or might have trouble with. I am confident with my decision to repeat kindergarten. She needs confidence in her abilities and the emotional tools to be able to handle anything more advanced. I compare her life to racing in a marathon. She was in training, and it didn't look like she would be equipped to start the race. At the last minute, it looked like she could do it. We strapped her running shoes on and ran to get her to the starting line. She had a great start, and it looked like she would finish without a problem. But then her shoe came untied, then she twisted her ankle but she was still running at a good speed and acting like there was nothing wrong. Everyone wants her to keep going, their goal is the finish line, it doesn't matter what condition she is in when she crosses it, the point it that she is CAPABLE of getting to the finish line. I want her to pace herself so she crosses the finish line strong and ready for the next race, not exhausted, injured, and never wanting to run another race in her life. She can drop out of this race and enter a new one. She will enter this next race totally prepared and conditioned. She will cross the finish line with confidence and strength, maybe she'll even win the race. She will feel accomplished and confident when it's over, and ready to tackle whatever comes next. She won't be repeating a grade, she'll just be starting this next race prepared to win.

Endings

These last few weeks have been terribly busy. We have been slackers with NR. Our routine has been so disrupted, it has been impossible to be consistent. Some days have me wanting to be totally uninvolved in anything outside the confines of my house. I realize that is quite impossible, because the reason we do all that we do is because of the kids and on their behalf. Today is the last day of school for S, she seems to be doing okay. I worry about the last hour or so, when they say goodbyes and she realizes that this is an ending. She has such anxiety over endings, to her they signify a loss. No one can quite understand how she feels. That's okay, I just wish they would try. I wish they could see that she is trying her hardest to not let her feelings show. That showing any outward sign makes her vulnerable beyond what she can handle. When I attempt to explain it, I get sympathy, for her and for me. We don't need that, we need someone to listen AND understand. Right now, we are coping and it is working out just fine. I hope her healing can advance over the summer to give her the skills, trust and confidence to make it through whatever next school year brings. I plan to do the full Ils program over the summer. We also have an appointment with a new vision therapist in another state. I have spoken with him personally, and it seems that he offers a different approach. It will be hugely expensive, but we have to do it. We will also incorporate our NR into our routine. Our new patterns involve using the eyes, and it's very difficult for her. Maybe after we see the vision therapist, he can offer some advice.