Update

Well, we haven't been doing anything since our sickness. This past week was way too busy with guests the weekend before Thanksgiving and then 36 people for Thanksgiving day. I plan to get back to work tomorrow so we can graduate in January. S was exposed to babies and toddlers this past weekend. She was okay until she heard one of them cry. This has always been a trauma trigger for her. She told me that the babies were spanked for crying when she lived in China. She said she was NOT spanked for crying. She also said she didn't cry. She still doesn't cry unless she is really hurt. She has been in a period of negativity lately, I think I need to call the attachment therapist for some new strategies. She immediately goes into, "I'm bad." Now I tell her I will put her in time out if she keeps saying negative things about herself. She seems to 'get' that I don't want to hear her say bad things about herself. It is so sad, I would have never predicted she would go through this.

Finally

No school today either, but the good news is that she is finally feeling better! I can't believe how this wiped her out, poor baby. The best part of this is how much snuggle time we've had. I remember last semester of Chinese class at the beginning of the year, I saw this little girl(also adopted but a couple of years older) lean her head against her grandma's shoulder. I wondered if S would ever do that to me. My dream has come true and she does that now. Just a couple of days ago, she crawled up into my lap just to sit there to be comforted. We have come so far. My friend just told me she finshed her daughter's adoption story book. It was the first time they discussed adoption. We were talking about talking to our daughters about adoption and how we felt about it. I remember telling her that it felt like I was lying telling her she was adopted. She feels as much mine as the children I carried for nine months. I feel more protective of her and a stronger bond since I was entrusted to be her mother. I have heard so many stories of adopted children wishing they were with their first family. I hope my daughter is happy to be in our family because we love her more than words can describe. I think she will completely understand when she becomes a mother herself. I hope I live to see that day. The love of a mother is like no other. She has increased my capacity to love like never before.

Sick

My poor baby has been sick since last Friday. She has had a fever for 6 days now. We went to the doctor yesterday and he thought she probably had step. She is on antibiotics now and we got a glimpse of the former happy girl we are used to. We have done nothing for nearly a week now and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. We have guests arriving on Saturday, so we aren't going to be doing anything until they leave. Then the mad rush to Thanksgiving.

Fetal triggers, WOW!

The other day, we did the last 5 fetals in the sequence before birth. As soon as we are finished, she stated, "I want to grow in your tummy." "Can we play baby born?" This is something she made up many months ago. She hides under a blanket and pretends to be in my belly. She has not asked to do this in a long long time, it was just a short phase. We covered her up and uncovered her several times(being born) and then she stayed under the blanket while I rocked back and forth snuggling her. She stayed like this for about 45 minutes. I couldn't believe it, but I indulged her. Then she asked again the next day and I told her we could do it one time because it took a long time. She agreed and then just stayed under there for another 30-45 minutes. The next day, she was in denial mode and saying the opposite of how she really feels as a self-protection mechanism. She said she didn't want to do it anymore because it took too much time. I told her it was okay and we could do it if she wanted. Now I'm sad that I ruined it for her. My older kids are taking care of a kitten and she wants to keep it. We explained that it belongs to someone and they are taking care of it until the owner can take it. She then said, "Should we get rid of our 2 dogs and have no one?" It's so heartbreaking...

Meeting

The meeting went okay. I think they are tired of hearing me and want me to leave them alone. I want to be able to go the rest of the year without changing schools. They are willing to follow my suggestions, but I just don't think they are aware of what is bothering her. They were very cooperative, but I think I am just going to keep on them and pulling out information. I got the idea that they are dealing with bigger problems with a couple other children, so hers seem minor. But really, 8 kids and 2 teachers, that is more than manageable.

We have been dealing with illness since Friday. Poor baby has a fever, no other symptoms. She still has a fever this morning. I hope this is the last day of it. We haven't done our NR or vision in since Thursday, even then it was only some of them because she was so tired. She went to bed early. She was getting sick, I just didn't know it. She felt warm when I sent her to school on Friday, but I took her temperature and she didn't have a fever. She fell asleep immediately in the car when we picked her up from school and had a low grade fever. Poor thing, I hope she didn't feel too badly in school. I hope to get back to NR by tomorrow. We are up to 30 reps of all of the fetals, so we can be finished with them by our next re-eval.

Meeting Today

Today after school, I meet with the teacher. S happily announced thst she is staying a long day. I asked her what was different that she wanted to stay long days again and she responded, "I'm not afraid anymore." I asked her what she was afraid of and she said, "The babies, and they aren't there anymore!" Such wonderful news, but so sad that she is afraid of babies crying. She must have witnessed some bad things as a baby herself. Part of me wants to know, but part of me can't handle the pain if I know what she saw. The good thing is that children as so resilient. She will always carry her memories with her though, she will just develop good coping skills. Hopefully, before long, she will be able to repress the memories and feel safe. I hope to get back to work today with our NR and vision. We are still not with the time change, so it's early to bed and early to rise.

Fetals

We are up to the maximum reps for all of our fetals with no negative effects. I am so excited about that. We have slacked this week, it has been really hard with so much going on. I tried one session with iLs and it went really well. We are going to drop vision therapy right after our re-eval which should be coming soon. It's all just too much, especially with her staying longer days at school.

So Sad

Yesterday when I went to pick her up, she clung to me. I asked her what happened and she just wanted to be held. Of course I feared the worst. I was in the car line, so I had to buckle her in her carseat and get moving. Anyway, she was so sad because a girl in her class wanted her to stay after school with her for running club. At first she made it sound like she wanted her to come over her house for a play date. I explained that the mommies needed to know about it ahead of time. She eventually told me about the club and I told her she wasn't old enough to do it. She was so sad and so obsessed with the fact she couldn't stay. I felt so bad for her. Anyway, it seemed like she had a good day otherwise. She said the babies weren't there at lunch, hooray!!! I saw they also held her hand the entire way to class so she wouldn't run. She came home with a positive attitude, so I think the teacher is doing what I asked of her. I find it amazing that a few simple techniques change everything. I hope they continue to trust me and see that they get better results from listening to the one who knows her best.

Confused

Okay, so the teacher never called and so I emailed her. It was a big risk because of the way email communicates. She wrote back requesting a face to face meeting. I am worried she read it the wrong way. Much to my surprise, S said she wanted to stay all day today. We overslept this morning, this was with S getting 12 hours of sleep and I had to wake her up. I threw together a lunch in 2 minutes and we went off to school. We left late, I was sure the door to the car line would be closed. Fortunately, it was open and so she started her day like everyone else. I wonder what the teacher thought about her staying all day, especially after my email. I leave in a few to go pick her up, I hope it went well. She is such a brave little soul, I hope she had a good day. Yesterday was the teacher assistant's birthday. I think they celebrated it after she left, so she feels like she missed out. I think that had something to do with wanting to stay all day today.

Things Are Deteriorating

We are having some major issues around here and school is the cause. The teacher was supposed to call but promised to call tonight. S is being punished at school for her anxiety induced behaviors. It is only causing more stress and she is getting close to not being able to function without constant worry. I can only hope that I can explain it to them without being threatening or condescending. It is going to be tough for me to guard every word so it doesn't come out the wrong way. She is really good about not interrupting or taking the conversation in a different direction. I felt like maybe I couldn't ask for everything to be special and different than the rest of the kids, then I thought to myself, "Hey! Wait a minute! This is why I chose private school over public and they are getting a huge sum of money to do ecactly what they promised me." I will need to remind them of that.

Our exercise routine has been inconsistent and it is really messing things up. she just can't get serious about her vision exercises and I'm about to quit. I am paying so much money and I don't see any difference. I need to get her started on iLs and see where that gets us first. Many of the vision exercises can be incorporated into that routine. She has been so tired since the day before Halloween and eating candy, it is all taking it's toll. I haven't heard "I don't love you." in a long, long time. It comes during exercise time when I am making her do something and stop fooling around. It has been horrible to hear her talking while playing alone and talking about being punnished. I sure hope the teacher listens and understands.

On another bad note, her ears are building up wax again and the one ear is itching her horribly. She keeps asking "What?", so it must be worse than it looks with my otoscope.

Now to report something great. She was so excited about Halloween this year. She was totally into it and had so much fun. The most precious thing was when I put her Tinkerbelle costume on and she grabbed my hand because she thought she could actually fly. Her dad, big sis and sis' boyfriend all took turns running her from house to house while holding her horizontally so it was like she was flying. She had so much fun and she actually ate some of her candy.

I guess I should expect some setbacks, but I was riding this great wave and let my guard down a bit. consequently, it threw me.