Personal Reflections

As I sat with my daughter feeding her pancakes this morning, I was thinking back to where we started. Most moms will never go through what we are, but my daughter has taught me so much through all of this. I wish for her life to have been easier for her, but it's not, so we have made the best out of it all. I recieve criticism from family members and strangers for feeding her instead of her feeding herself. They don't understand that feeding her is a bonding tool and very important for attachment. If she started eating anything solid before she was almost 3 years old, maybe I wouldn't be feeding her at 4 and a half. I am so grateful that she is actually eating a solid food AND from a utensil. One recent development is her desire to be like mommy. Oh my gosh, how exciting is that for me? I remember reading about attachment and development activities that had your child copy what you did. That might work for other children, but my precious girl was just too fearful to try anything new, let alone copy me. I bought us matching shirts and she was so happy. She wants to grow up to be big like mommy. I told her she needs to eat good food to grow up to be big like me, I think it's actually motivating her to eat more. We still struggle with eating a variety of foods. She gets a huge variety through a bottle, but she eventually needs to get away from that. She is capable of using a cup, but she won't use a sippy cup or a straw. She could still get the concoction that is in her bottle from a cup. Is it hurting her still using a bottle? No, it's just getting harder for mom to take the unspoken criticism in public. You'd think I'd be over that by now.

Another thing taken for granted by people who haven't been through attachment difficulties is eye contact. Pre-adoption me thought this point must be so overrated. Boy, did I have a giant learning curve! Now, when my daughter looks me right in the eyes, I am flooded with joy at such a simple gesture. I am so grateful for this journey, I appreciate so many things that get unnoticed by people with average children. I thought I appreciated every detail of my other 3 birth children, and I did, but I had no idea that there was so much more depth to appreciate.

I was reading back to some of my earlier entries and it's really amazing to see where we've come. At 15 months, I had a child who couldn't sit up by herself, refused all solid food, refused consoling, wouldn't be affectionate, and most remarkably, her brain had no idea that her left hand existed. I was not too worried at first, knowing the trauma of adoption could cause regression. All of the stories I read were about how quickly they catch up once they are home. I counted on that to be true for us, but it was soon apparent that was not going to be our story. Did I begin to worry? YES! I was so lost with no information and no local professionals that had any idea what to do other than catagorize her into the closest diagnosis. As time went on, I did my own research and connected with other families who had similar struggles. None quite fit ours, and I admit I was a little resentful that they were all special needs adoptions and ours was not. I feel horrible writing this and admitting that I felt that way, but I think it was mostly because I had no opportunity to prepare ahead. I had to waste valuable time searching for infomation when we could be helping her. It wasn't fair to her that we couldn't find her help. I wish I could remember who posted about Bette on my yahoo group. I think I can look it up in the archives. I had such little time to research NR, and I was such a sceptic. It was a lot of money to pay and a big risk. I felt it was a risk because so many others who were supposed to be in the know didn't really know anything. I was optimistic though when I read the description of NR, it mentioned all of the things we needed to work on and so many more. I decided it was worth the risk and I was so thrilled to find someone who actually understood and offered a solution. There was only one thing Bette had never seen, and that was S's obsession with circles. She still loves circles, but is a little less obsessed.

Well, with so many interruptions while writing this, my thoughts are all over the place. This is just as normal as I can get it, without the promise of someday things being different. There is a lot of peace that comes with accepting life as it is. It doesn't mean you compromise so much that you don't get what you need to accomplished. It just means that it might take you longer to get things done, or it may mean that you need to let some things be less than perfect. Accepting things the way they are and your limitations because of it, allow you to let go of the things you are spinning your wheels on and aren't going to happen. Letting that go leaves more time for the things that are higher priority. I never thought I'd get to this place, but it's another life lesson that I've learned through this incredible journey with my special daughter. She is teaching me about a part of life that I would never be priviledged to know if it hadn't been for her. What a blessing she is to show me that obstacles should never get in the way of happiness. I love her more than words could ever describe.