I hope this is a permanent thing!

Wow, 2 great experiences to report. I had to take S to the doctor with her sister. This is notoriously a place where we have a long appt. We were already there almost 2 hours when we found out that we needed to be there at least another 30-45 minutes. She had been so well behaved so far, but we had already been there long enough for me to go crazy. We were in the exam room and the dr was asking sister some questions. S was talking loudly, and the dr asked me to "keep her down" so he could hear sister. She wasn't being loud, this particular dr is very crabby and should never be working with kids. (he is a pediatric specialist dr) I told her she had to whisper if she needed to talk. She proceeded to whisper to me for the next 10 minutes! I was shocked that she could keep in control that long. At church, we have to go to the quiet room because she gets too loud and active. This was so big for us, and I thought it was a one time deal. 3 days later(yesterday), we were at church. Occasionally, we start out in the main part of the church and I move to the quiet room when she gets loud. We never had to move yesterday, she was so quiet and well behaved. She did a lot of imitating of me, she has been watching my every move. I attribute this to attachment. Over the past approx 2 months, I have been feeding her in the cradle position and insisting on eye contact as much as possible. I think this has made a difference and it makes me wish I had insisted on it sooner. The problem is, and you already know this if you've been reading from the beginning, is that the bottle is her only source of calories. She has always been so defiant and uncomfortable in that position, that I never forced it because I needed her to eat. She is only 24 pounds at over 3 years old. She gets plenty of calories, I think she'd be this size even if she ate all solids. But still, I didn't feel I could force the issue when eating was so important. I can't beat myself up for it, because things may not have been any different anyway. I know other adoptive parents who have bottle fed in the cradle position and still have bigger attachment issues. I never thought our attachment was bad, and I still don't, but I do know it still needs work. I guess doing NR therapy has made things a little more clear. Once we work on some things and they get better, other issues come into light. This is all a multi-faceted process anyway, but working on more than one thing at a time is always beneficial. When I started NR this past February, we had to tackle the biggest thing first and move on from there. I've said this many times before, but it is worth repeating. I am so grateful for the extent of S's needs, because if not for the severity, I would have never found her the proper help this early. I hope I have saved her harder work when she is older and I hope that I am giving her to framework to have the most opportunities open to her. She is one amazing child and I am so priviledged to be her mother.

Recap of Progress

At the bottom is my list of goals from February. In a little over 6 months, there have been tremendous changes.

She now responds most of the time when I call her name. We still get ignored some of the time, but for the most part, we get her to look. When she first came home, we thought she ignored because of the language barrier. Then we thought she could have had a hearing problem. We ruled that out quickly, but didn't know why she ignored us.

One of the most puzzling things was that she didn't call us mama or dada. She was certainly capable of saying the words, she already had for a while. She just didn't connect with us enough to call us by name. This changed very quickly after starting NR. Now she calls me mom all of the time because she hears her sisters calling me that.

Personal space-hmmm, we're still working on this one, although it's getting better.

She seems to be a little more aware of dangerous situations, but is still a little reckless. Her eyes are not yet totally working together, so this makes her depth perception a problem. If you can't tell if you are 1 foot in the air or 10, then I think you would tend to take risks.

Sensitive to hot or cold-She hasn't been outside in the cold weather because we haven't had any! She did know when the bath water was too hot coming out of the spout, otherwise, she hasn't had any exposure.

Move to music-this is probably the biggest change. This is a child who loves music from day 1. I am big into music exposure for kids. She has listened to all kinds of classical music, as well as traditional Chinese and English kids songs. She can recognize songs with one or 2 notes, so she has an ear for music, so not moving a muscle to music was very bizzare. NR unlocked that for her. One day, not long after starting NR, she moved her little body to music. Now, she dances all around the room and moves her whole body! What a pleasure to see her physically enjoying the music she loves. I just can't wait until her body and brain are fully connected so she can enjoy everything she loves to the fullest.

Toothbrush-this is a wonderful one! We are finally able to brush her teeth!!!! This has been a huge concern of mine. A child with such an extreme case of oral defensiveness does not need dental problems at a later age. Imagine not wanting someone in your mouth and then needing extensive dental work. I wouldn't want her to have anesthesia at such a young age just to work in her mouth. Hopefully it's not too late for her to avoid decay. Her teeth are beautiful and white with no buildup, that is a miracle after going so long with no brushing. Yesterday was the first day that I really felt like I got a complete brushing in, how exciting.

Her fearfulness of loud noises or toys had diminished somewhat. She is still scared of loud noises and tried to climb up my leg when she is caught off guard. The good thing is that she knows where to go for comfort and is able to be comforted. She can even say she is scared or afraid. In her words, 'gared' and 'fraid'

She is still sensitive to clothing textures, but is getitng a little better. She can sometimes be distracted to tolerate it, but eventually tries to take off the offending item.

She is sticking a little closer instead of wandering off. She will at least turn around to see where we are. She doesn't have much opportunity to run off, we are always with her. I'd love to be able to test her in this situation to see when she realizes she's alone, but I don't have a safe place for that.

She still won't put a cup or straw in her mouth, but she's getting close. Sometimes I force her a bit just to see that it's safe. She's okay with that.

She will point to objects in a book now. This has expanded our reading possibilities greatly. She isn't always cooperative, but she's allowed to be a 3 year old.

She is learning compassion, although she is still puzzled when someone gets huts from something she's done. The other day, I tripped over something and hurt my toe. I made a big deal about it because it really hurt, but still went into the other room. She was in my room with her daddy when it happened. I didn't know until I returned a few minutes later that she had repeated endlessly, "You hurt your toe? You hurt your toe?" while recreating the incident for her daddy. When I came back into the room, she came up to me and wanted to kiss my boo-boo. She is role playing a bit with a doll now and acting very nurturing. That is very nice to see.

Eye contact is improving, although there is a general disconnect with the world. Sometimes, she'll look me right in the eyes and tell me a little story. I can't understand a lot of it, but she'll rattle off a string a sentences to me. I make her look at me, and she will do what I tell her 99% of the time if I insist on eye contact. I'm hoping to talk to an attachment therapist to see if we need to see one or not. I think a session or two would help us a lot and be a good companion to our NR therapy. We will go for another re-eval in November, I'm very excited to see where we are, how much time is left, and what else needs to be done.

I think the main thing we need to work on is sensory for eating and self regulation. I think a bit of attachment work will solidify her connection to us and the world, and make her want to join the rest of the world. She really doesn't believe it's a safe place, so she stays in her own world that she knows. she is very slow to let her guard down, but slowly she is learning that we are there to protect her. I look forward to a bright future with my amazing daughter. I can't wait for her to be comfortable in this world and show us what she's made of. Watch out world, she is soon to make a grand entrance!





Thursday, February 5, 2009
My List
Here's my list of things my daughter does or doesn't do that I hope to help with our NR therapy:

Ignores when I call her name.
Doesn't call us by name-mama and dada
We need her to eat more solid food and allow to be spoon fed
Show more affection
Give other little kids too big hugs, doesn't respect personal space
Not aware of dangerous situations
Isn't sensitive to hot or cold
Doesn't move to music
Won't allow a toothbrush in her mouth
Fearful of vibrating toys or toys that are too loud
Sensitive to clothing textures
Wanders away without looking back
Won't try a cup or straw
Won't point to objects in book
Doesn't realize when she hurts someone
Need more eye contact

September 8th, 2009

We've been having a lot of obsessive behavior lately, it's got me concerned a bit. I'm waiting for a call from Bette to talk about it. On the other hand, she has had her hand and fingers exploring her mouth area. She never touches her mouth with anything, but I've noticed she has her hands and even some objects touching her mouth and lips. She still can't spit things out, so she can't eat anything that won't eventually dissolve in her mouth. She loves popcorn, but she collects the parts that don't dissolve in her mouth and I have to fish it out. The good thing is that I can now brush all of her teeth now. I'm so happy about that. If you know anyone who has a problem with a toothbrush, I highly recommend the Wisp toothbrush. It's a disposable toothbrush made by Colgate and it's super small. You have to take the ball of toothpaste out of the middle though, it's way too strong for a child. We're making baby steps of progress, but it's progress just the same. I think we are on the verge of something big, and that some of the behavior is her staying in a familiar comfort zone because there's a bit of fear associated with going forward. She is very cooperative in her therapy for the most part. I've been holding her like a baby for bottle feedings and trying to maintain eye contact. This can be challenging, but it's working out. Since feeding has always been an issue, I never insisted on the cradle position, but I think I probably should have. I'd really like to know if establishing trust from the point of adoption is more or less important to theraputic parenting techniques. I guess you have to do what you feel comfortable with. I really am beginning to think that attachment is the source of S's disconnect with the world. She stays in her safe mode and avoids contact with adults. She is very comfortable with kids, but not adults. She doesn't respond to them when they come up to her and talk to her, but if they talk to me for a few minutes, she accepts them as safe and will give them a big hug. I don't think it's the indescriminate affection from a child with attachment disorder or RAD, because from what I have read, they do it immediately, and not wait to check them out. I wish I had all of the answers to this complicated issue. That's all for today.

Interesting Detail

Yesterday we went to our local library for story time. S has been to this library before, but it's been a long time since we've been there. Now when we got her, she stared up at the lights in the room. We thought she'd never seen overhead lights before, so she was fascinated by them. This wasn't an isolated event, the light staring obsession lasted a long time. The frequency and intensity lessened, but she'll still do it. I began to wonder why a child would be obsessed with lights. Since she has sensory processing problems, I thought it might have been sensory seeking behavior. I got to thinking about it and remembered reading a long time ago about near death experiences. One of the common experiences was seeing a bright light that was very pleasant to look at, even though it was very bright. They were drawn to the light as they were dying. As they were being revived, they felt like they were being pulled away from the light and that they didn't want to, it was such an experience of pure joy and love. It may be a far fetched theory that S may have been through a near death experience, but she was born prematurely. I think this can be established as fact because of her weight at 2 days old. The records say she was 3-4 pounds. Even severely malnourished mothers give birth to near normal weight babies. This weight puts her at least 6-8 weeks premature. If she were born in this country, she would have spent time in a hospital. Her nanny said she was never hospitalized, but there were people who thought she wouldn't survive because of her size. Her neurological profile is in sync with this possibility. Anyway, the reason I mention this is because when we were at the library yesterday, S looked up at the lights and was staring at them and not paying attention to the story. Later, she said she was scared of the lights. I don't know why she is suddenly afraid of lights. The strange thing is that she wants the light on when she goes to sleep. I have to wait to turn it off when she is asleep. Since resuming NR after our summer slack, she hasn't wanted to go in her bed. She used to cry, now only protests a little. She seems fine if I hold her and talk to her for a few minutes, then she willingly goes in her bed. I don't know if NR is stirring up some emotions that she doesn't know how to deal with. She can tell me she's afraid, but I don't know how many more emotions she can put words too. She doesn't mention happy or sad, or any other emotion, pleasant or not. I hope that her lack of ability to express emotions doesn't hurt her. It seems most of the people doing NR are older and can communicate. I'll have to ask Bette this one......She has also told me that she's afraid of a light upstairs. She finally pointed to our smoke detector. None of it makes sense to me, but I'm sure it makes complete sense to her. I wish I could get inside her head to figure her out.