This is Tough

Last night, we got through most of our NR. I am realizing each day that there is more and more attachment stuff coming to the surface. I'm glad we are going through it, but it's so hard to endure. She immediately goes into negative mode. If I correct her at all during the patterns, she stops what she is doing and starts saying negative things. Last night, I had the opportunity to act like her, which usually makes her laugh. She asked me to close something and I did what I thought she wanted. She saw what I did and said, "No, not that!" So I did what she would do, I started saying, "I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad!!!" She was really quick to say, "You just made a mistake, right? You're not bad." I was thrilled that she wanted to come to my rescue. Unfortunately, I didn't know the tipping point and I should have agreed with her that I was not bad and just made a mistake. I kept going a few more times with the "I'm bad" like she does, but it was too much for her and then she joined in saying, "Okay, you're bad." SO how did I repair that? I don't even remember now.

The past week or so, she has been hitting herself in the head when she is frustrated. She even pulls at her hair. I found out that she is having a hard time at school. She told me as much when I pressed her as to why she didn't want to stay at school for a long day. I found out from the teacher that there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't say that the teachers and I won't be happy with her work. WHAT??????????? With all they know, didn't they think this was significant? Why wouldn' they tell me that? I want her out of that school for next year. It would be too traumatic to take her out mid year, she likes going. I think this is all a small part of her day, so it's not like it's dominating her life. It is getting harder for her though, and I will meet with the teacher in a week. She will be out of school for a week because I have to take her out of the country with me, then 2 weeks later she has her spring break. After that, she has like 6 or 7 weeks of school left for the year. I think she has enough hours in that she can go half days the rest of the year if need be. She gets negative at home, and it's not my fault, so I have to give school the same benefit of the doubt-that they did nothing wrong to cause it.

A New Day

Today we woke up late which translates that S slept more than 12 hours. Right there is a good indicator that being tired definitely contributed to her feeling poorly. She is also fighting a slight cold. I had already decided it was going to be a short day at school today and she confirmed it. One thing I forgot to mention is that she tried to turn her back to me when she had her nightime bottle. I turned her back around and made her have eye contact. Our NR time is where she must feel like she loses control and it is a huge trauma trigger for her.

Today we got through everything relatively early. She wanted to stop but I only allowed limited breaks. Our goal was to have everything done before her sister came home from school. I finally heard back from the teacher and she suggested a time next week. I was hoping it would be earlier, but I guess I will take what I can get.

Tough Day

The good thing about doing NR now without the fetals is that I can see that just our time alone together can stir things up. I still can't be sure what triggered today's episode. She got right to work and asked for a break. I always give breaks because it works for us. She didn't want to go back to work for anything. We went to take a bath to break it up. She was saying some terrible things after bath time. She actually started to cry. I tried to get it out of her what was bothering her. After not getting anywhere, I went into answering everything by telling her I would love her forever no matter what. I told her there was nothing she could ever do to make me not love her. Thank God, this finally made her come out of it. She was very tired, so I decided she needed to go right to bed. We had story time as usual, and she told me that school was stressing her. I know they are trying to,make her more independent, and I think she feels too overwhelmed. Maybe she feels like they don't care about her any more. I emailed the teacher and haven't heard back from her yet. I asked for a conference, which has always been very difficult to schedule. We looked at a new school for next year today, but it was definitely not a choice. I think her admitting she was stressed by the work today confirms for me that she should repeat kindergarten next year. How wonderful would it be for her to feel confident. They are making her feel inadequate because her handwriting is poor. She said they said mommy would be sad that she didn't try her best. They make blanket statements and she takes them all personally. That has always bugged me when parents used to tell all the kids to stop doing something when it was their kid who was the one misbehaving. The kids who need to hear the correction never think they are the one the general statement is being directed toward. She has come home saying that I won't be proud of her work. I tell her I'm always proud of her no matter what, especially when I know she tried her hardest. I am just looking forward to the end of the school year. She said she likes school, so it isn't as bad as it seems. I know there will never be any school that is perfect. It' s just hard to see her hurting. This is giving us the opportunity to talk through things and hopefully work them out before she is too old. We signed her up for soccer, so I think that is going to be really good for her. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Back in the Groove

Starting back up was no prolem at all. On Monday, she asked me, "Are you still sick?" I said I was feeling better but still not great. She then petitioned to not start our exercises because I wasn't ready. I said no and she didn't protest. I was expecting her to put up a fuss, since that always seems to happen when we have a little break. Last night there were many delay tactics, but I went along with them for the most part. At the end, I just demanded we get our creeping done without stopping. She wasn't happy with this and then started to rant about me being upset. I just stayed quiet and kept moving. I remember how uncomfortable it was for me to creep on my hands and knees in the beginning, now it is nothing. I remember how her crawling was not progressing for the longest time and I discussed it with Bette. I thought it might just be her crawl and that it would never change. It ended up changing and she perfected the crawl. I can't believe February is here already! Before we know it, the end of school will be here. Hopefully we will graduate from school and NR at the same time!

In other news, S has finally shown happiness when daddy gets back from work. She used to ignore him when he got back and this last time, she jumped into his arms and was so happy to see him. How nice for her that she is able to fully accept her mommy AND her daddy now. Who would have thought it would take 4 and a half years to get here. But we're here, that's all that matters.

CNY

Yesterday's Chinese New Year celebration went really well. It was beyond noisy and she did great! She said her line and loved being on stage. She waved to her sister in the audience and yelled her name. When the lion dance started abruptly with an explosion of sound, she jumped(along with the rest of us) and clasped her ears. I had her take her hands off of her ears so someone could take a picture of her and she kept them off the rest of the time. I am so proud of how well she adapted. We were there a total of 5 long hours and she was well behaved the entire time. I doubt we will go again, it's just too long for everyone. It's really nice that she can perform, but just not worth it to be there 5 hours. We got home late and it was really hard getting up this morning. I hate starting a Monday that way. I think we will have no excuse to re-start our program today, even though I am exhausted and it's only 1pm. I wonder what her reaction will be when I tell her it's time to do our exercises.

Chinese New Year

Today is our Chinese New Year celebration with the Chinese Language class and our local Chinese community. S is really looking forward to saying her little phrase. I am still not feeling great, I went to the doctor on Friday. My house looks like a tornado blew through it, I'm so frustrated. Cleaning is the last thing I feel like doing now that I have an ounce of ambition. I'm grateful that I am not sick and can attend. We still have not gotten back to our NR routine. I must admit that as much as I want to be finished, it is hard to plug away at this last part. I had hoped to be full swing into iLs at this point. We are doing minimal, which is better than nothing. S is doing so well at this point, we are not in panic mode anymore to get to a certain place just to be functional. My goal is still to start next school year anew, just like any other kid. Tuesday is the 100th day of school party, no parent invitation extended. I want her to go to a school where I can have pictures of all of these little life events, just like her sisters had. It's really hard to believe that this school is so closed to parents, makes you wonder why they don't want parents? It's not completely closed, but the classroom stuff seems to be. I did see video of her in class, and she is very comfortable. She is thriving, so there is nothing other than my own discomfort with the school that makes me want to jank her out. The acedemic part of her school is like first grade level. I think I am going to soon post the link to this on the neuro group. There are questions that come up often that I believe can be answered by looking back at some of my posts. That is, after all, the reason I started this blog, to document our journey and encourage others. Now that we are almost finished, I don't have to worry that I have kept up with it. There is already enough on here for people to decide if it will work for their child. Almost everyday, I read about someone else who could benefit from NR. I hope one day it becomes mainstream so that everyone can benefit from it who needs it.

My Turn to Be Sick

Ugh!!! Now I got sick. I haven't been this sick in a long time. If I didn't have a flu shot, I'd swear it was the flu. Body aches, chills, and a cough that hurts. It would conveniently coincide with my husband going to work, so I had to get up and drive the kids to school and do everything myself. I could barely get out of bed and couldn't wait to get back in at night. Today is a little better, my body hurts less and my cough is a little better. It doesn't help that I have some sort of appt everyday this week. Our 15 year old dog is not doing well either for the past 3 weeks. Tomorrow, the cat goes in to be neutered. When it rains, it pours.

Attachment 101- I remember reading about parents pre-emptively telling their children they were safe and that they were good parents, etc, etc. I also remember thinking how crazy they were. Wouldn't that just be obvious? Wouldn't they be instilling doubt where there might be none? Well, wouldn't ya know, my daughter would need to hear these words. If I only knew. I remember banning the Barney program in my house because my first child LOVED the dark and thunderstorms. One day Barney was teaching kids not to be afraid of those things. Who wanted to put it in her head that you could be scared of those things to begin with? I turned it off and decided that would never be on in my house. Well, it was effective for my 3 birth children who were loved and secure from day 1. I could have never imagined that life could be so different for a neglected and traumatized child. Your brain can't go somewhere that is so unnatural. You don't ever want to believe that love can't quickly fix what happened before, that your child would have to be told they are safe and that no one will hurt them. That you will never leave them, that they will always be your precious baby, that they can rely on you for everything. Last night, while we were lying in bed, S says to me, "You'll always keep me safe and you won't XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. right?" "Yes baby, mommy will never let anyone do anything bad to you, ever." At least I can comfort her now.....

Another Sick Day

Yesterday, S was playing with some out of state friends. She had played with them a couple of other times earlier in the week, and as usual, had a really hard time when the playdate had to end. If I breathe a word of needing to go, she abruptly wants to end it, get it over with, poof! I was reminded that it's better to have that reaction than whining and complaining about leaving. Although that may be easier, it's ignoring that she is having more intense feelings than the next kid. So last night, we did the first part of our NR routine, then her big sister came in and they took a little break. When it came time to get started again, S started half crying/half wimpering. Her big sister has traditionally the only one to make her cry sad tears, so I thought some of that was going on. S rarely cries, so each time she does, it is analyzed by me. It is always seen as a good thing since she is allowing herself to feel sadness. Wow, a mother who wants to see her kid cry? Who would have ever thought I could be happy with sadness. My entire way of thinking has been tuned upside down by this precious child. I had no idea how much I didn't know. What else am I missing by not being able to experience other obstacles, feel empathy for others in their own situation? Anyway, she was on the floor and didn't want to be comforted. Big sis came back in the room and said when they were playing, S felt hot. I took her temperature and sure enough, it was a fever, about 101. So I announced she would need medicine and that upped the emotion. I held her in my lap and she proceeded to cry a cry I hadn't really hear before. It was almost like she was mourning. So I got to thinking about what had gone on that day. Her daddy went back to work after being off for 6 weeks. When he said goodbye to her, it was the first time she looked sad. She also fell asleep in the car on the way home from school, another indication she was getting sick but I didn't know it. Then I remembered what was said when she was playing with her friend. The friend said her favorite animal was a panda because she was from China. So I thought the perfect opportunity presented itself to mention to S that her friend was from China just like her. She said, "She was a baby?" "And she cried?" I answered yes to both. I just wonder if she was maybe processing some of that. I haven't heard her cry like that before. Maybe it was because she had a fever or maybe just a combination of things. She doesn't cry when she is sick though, so it wasn't that alone. Today she is home from school because she still has a fever. No other symptoms, I don't know what to think of it yet.

Good news, I was able to reach the AT. Hopefully she can get us over this step.

New Program

Our new program is really part of our old program. We are doing creeping, cross homolaterals and tonic neck pattern. The cross homolaterals have always caused problems. S gets really upset before we do them. She was saying very negative things which I can't even write down. I played it out with her, trying to stay positive. In the past, I just repeat over and over that I love her no matter how she feels and that I will love her no matter what. If I engage her in conversation to try to talk it out, she talk in circles around me. We get nowhere. We finally resolved it, but it took a long time. Every opportunity she has to make me mad at her, she tries. If she is disobedient she says, "I'm bad, you're mad at me." I tell her that I knew she wanted me to get mad at her and that it just wasn't going to happen. She wants me to affirm what she believes about herself and I flatly refuse to do it. It does stop her, but sometimes she will try wording things a little differently to get me going again or to get me to slip up. Sometimes I tell her she is making my head spin and she has to stop. This usually results in comic relief. I never had any idea how sharp I would have to stay to keep myself above the situation. I have nearly mastered the art of holding my tongue. That can only be a good thing overall in every area of my life. I know this phase of her life isn't going to be short lived. Our attachment therapist has been unreachable. I have heard through the grapevine why, but no direct communication from her. Apparently she had not communicated with any of her clients. I have been on my own for most of this, so I should be used to it. We will plug away with our NR, so hopefully I can say we have this huge part behind us in May. I am thinking my family should do a week-long attachment intensive this summer. Will that make things a lot better? I have heard that huge strides are made when families do these intensives. I will have to ask Bette what she thinks of these emotions coming up at the start of our daily exercise routine. I think it's just that she knows that it is just her and I and that she has to go through with it. I think it may be 100% attachment related. It's so hard to know, maybe no one can ever tell us for sure.

Re-evaluation

We had our re-eval yesterday and we are not quite ready to graduate. I was prepared for this news, so it's all okay. S got her two least favorite exercises back, but she knows it' s not forever and they are nothing new. So it looks like April may be when we finish. My goal was to be finished with everything by the end of the school year. I had to think long and hard to come up with anything we need to work on. It wasn't long ago that I needed to prioritize what was the most pressing issue. Now that we are near the end, I'm thinking of making the blog public. Now that is has ended up to be so long, I wonder if anyone will actually read it. I am so glad that I kept this journal, it will always remind me of where we started and how far we've come. By writing things down, it has allowed me to contemplate and figure things out that I may have otherwise overlooked. A couple of people have said that they wished I would write a book of our story. I wish I could accomplish that, but I didn't write enough details down. I have left out my daughter's personal memories to keep it private. If I weren't so involved in my kids lives, I would have time to write more. But when you have one child who takes up every waking moment and the you have to fit in time for your other kids and pets and household, there is definitely no time to write. I got an iPad for Christmas, so maybe that will give me more opportunity to write things down. I have also kept this rather clinical in nature because I thought about my daughter reading it one day. I wanted it to be something she could read and feel great about. Many bloggers get very personal and I would imagine that their kids would feel bad after reading about their trials. I understand that some kids with RAD are very difficult to live with and I'm not criticizing what they write about their families. It' s just not what I wanted to do. This started out very concise, just the facts but evolved into a little more. I guess it's because things changed for us along the way. Looking back, my poor little girl was keeping herself from feeling anything at all. She was just happy all the time. I think she is happy by nature, but it's just not normal to be happy all the time. She still hides sadness. We have a 15 year old dog who has possibly days left to live. We have been talking about death for several months now in anticipation of his inevitable death. I knew she needed to be introduced to it, as hard as it was to have to tell her. Something tells me she has been around death before she entered our family. It will be interesting to see how she reacts to this death. I know I will not be able to keep my tears inside. She gets very upset when anyone cries. I'm sure it will be worse for her to see me crying. I hope I will remember to post about it when the time comes. Life has been so busy lately, and I haven't had time to do much of anything.