Nothing New

We ended up skipping yesterday because I ended up being gone 4 hours and it was just too late. Today went well even though we skipped a day. As a matter of fact, it went really well. It was just the 2 of us home for most of the day and we had a great day together. Today was her first day 100% of dairy. I haven't noticed any difference with anything. I am going to give it at least a week and see if there is anything. I attribute it to a retained moro reflex. The more I read about it, I am convinced that this is the reason for her anxiety. She test positive for it, there is no doubt about it. The good news is that there is more I can be doing to inhibit it. Now I just need to implement it. Some of the exercises that I have found are too difficult for her. I have contacted Bette to see if she has some suggestions. I have a phone number for someone who does cranial sacral therapy, so I will call them on Monday.

An Emotional Day

I am just loving that fact that attachment is taking off so, but it comes at a price. S is getting anxiously attached to me. Yesterday I needed to accompany big sis to at least a 2 hour appt. S kept saying, "I don't want to be away from you." OMG, so now what am I supposed to do? I wish I had a direct line to a councelor at that momment to tell me what to say. It all worked out in the end, but I felt so horrible to have to leave her. I ended up pacifying her by telling her she could go to the next appt with me. This finally diffused her, she was not letting go. So while I'm thrilled she finally wants to be with me, I don't know what to do. I hope this doesn't happen when she goes to school. I can't worry about things that may never happen, it wastes too much energy. She wanted me to sleep with her in her bed last night(she's in a toddler bed). I told her I had to leave once she went to sleep and she seemed agreeable. Since I was so guilty for what went on earlier, I decided to stay with her when she woke up when I tried to sneak out. I brushed my teeth and got my pillow and came back to her. She hugged me tight and said, "I love you and I DO need a mommy." It made it worth sleeping in a fetal position crammed in a toddler bed. I woke up at 5AM so cramped and in pain, I decided to leave. She didn't wake up. You can tell she has older sisters because she says to me, "Don't ditch me in the night." Gotta love that older sister influence-NOT! We got through our NR in record time yesterday, hope it goes that well today.

Last Night

We didn't get started last night until too late. Although we only got our creeping done, we accomplished much, much more. After negotiating, pleading, etc, she comes out with, "I want to be away from you." So I said, "It's okay if you want to be away from me." "I still love you and want to near you." She said one more, "I want to be away from you." I replied with, "I know you feel that way and it's okay, but I'll miss you while you are away from me." This prompted her to immediately run into my arms saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I am considering these huge breakthroughs. After more time had gone by, she told me the same story about living in China. This time was a little more detail. She also told me a story that made me think that she remembered leaving the orphanage to be adopted. It was a little fragmented, but she said they put a diaper on her, got in the car and told her to wave bye bye to China.

Words I'll Never Get Tired Of Hearing

Today was our OT appt. We are on our last CD of the Theraputic Listening program. On our way out, I stopped to go to the restroom and S waited outside with daddy. When I came out, she ran to me like she hadn't seen me in 10 years. I swooped her up and we hugged. She told me she loved me and I said I loved her too. Then she something about her heart, but it was an unfinished sentence that didn't make sense to me. Then she asked if our hearts were full and I said yes. She asked what they were full of and I told her love. This made her happy and she hugged me even tighter. I have been emailing with another mom and I was telling her the differences with parenting S and my other kids. It was great to write it out because I made a list of the things I notice and appreciate more because of our difficulties. Today as I was watching her put a cup to her mouth to drink milk at OT, I was realizing how much I appreciated this small accomplishment. She also ate 2 small pieces of chicken for the OT. I thought she would gag and throw up, she looked like she would. The OT made her keep it in her mouth, and I almost intervened. It was a fine line between encouraging and forcing. She always has the option of spitting out something new. I am so thrilled with all she can do, even if it isn't what the other kids can do. She might make it there someday, if not, we sure will have fun along the way. There's lots I've never accomplished and it's no big deal. The things I have accomplished far outshine what I didn't get to do. The same will go for my precious girl. She is a star in my eyes, and there's lots more to come from this special little girl. My other kids have sacrificed so much for her, but what they learned in the process has been so much more than they have given up. They have experienced so much more of life than most people ever will. Hopefully through our experiences, we will be able to encourage and help others.

Another Great Day!

We got through today faster than usual, but with some delay. She said she needed a hug break, so I aksed her how she was feeling. She answered sad. She didn't really know why. While we were creeping, she said in an excited voice that she needed a mommy and answered a lively I love you in return to mine. I hope this continues and that she is feeling a little more secure, especially after dropping the huge bombshell about her past. How I wish it weren't true, but the detail she gave me she could not have known any other way. I am so grateful for others' pictures from the orphanage, otherwise I couldn't have confirmed what she said. I didn't even see the detail she described when we were there. I'm still so angry over it though, and it makes me wonder what else happened.

I think back to how far we have come and can't believe what we have accomplished. Just recently, she has been able to control her tongue movements a little. She can finally stick out her tongue. Tonight in the bath, she was moving her tongue back and forth from one side of her mouth to the other. This is the first time she has done this. I remember that she wouldn't let a toy near her in the bathtub, she would just push it away from her. Things that took others kids hours, days, or weeks have taken years for her. Basic things such as knowing if she is hot or cold, wearing different texture clothing, eating anything solid, using a cup for the first time, finally being potty trained for #1 at 4 1/2 years old, coming to us for comfort, reacting to pain, eye contact, looking to us for approval and caring about praise. This is just a small list of the obstacles we have overcome in the past 3 1/2 years. I can't wait until she has her first playdate, her first sleepover, her first dance class and many more things that every child should have. Some of these things seem so elusive right now but I'm confident they will happen.

Big Stuff Today

Firstly, S started out with, "I do need a mommy", followed by "I love you" and another, "I do need a mommy." I responded with and I love you and I'm so happy you need me because I need you too.

We have been doing one pattern or exercise and then stopping to do something fun. Out of the blue she said she was a baby, then she said she was sad, then porceded to tell me something bad about what happened to her at the orphanage. She even said what other people said. It had something remotely to do with something the day before, so I thought for a moment that it could have been some sort of extension or projection to her life in China. I am not going to post the details, but it was enough to make me want to cry and be angry at the same time. I guess I sort of doubted her memory could be so vivid, so I asked her hours later about it. I just asked a detail and she came up with two that were very specific and she wouldn't know otherwise. They were two details that she never saw pictures of or that we ever discussed, but I know to be accurate because I saw pictures. I am really amazed that she was able to tell me any of this. Of course knowing this now is so disturbing, I think I'm the one who will need counseling for it. Have you ever learned something that happened in your childs past that was so hard to wrap your mind around? I would love to know how others have handled that. It just took me by surprise. Tonight after her bath, she told me she was so happy. I told her I was happy that she was so happy. She said, "I'm big happy with you mom" How exciting is that????

Looks Like We're Back in the Routine Again

So today went well. We got a late afternoon start, but it still worked out. I'm so happy this was short lived. I am so excited about her participation, it is making it so much easier. I am going to try to video her doing the exercises. I'd also like to share my ideas to make this easier for others. That will have to wait for another day, hopefully sooner than later. We had a phone consult with an attachment therapist today, I am anxious to get started with her recommendations. We're really at the perfect place for things to start coming together.

Struggles

It's been a rough road getting back but we did it. After delaying, arguing, and complaining, she got to work and completed it. It was the first time she really listened to reasoning. I talked about her delay tactics, my feelings regarding it, wasting time, and just doing it and getting it over with. I am definitely in panic mode since school will start in 4 short weeks! We're not ready for this.

Back to Work

We've been so busy with appts, so two nights ago we got back to our program. We got most of it done, and since it was our first day back, I didn't push for getting 100% done. Last night, we attempted to get started and it just didn't work out. Our sessions usually start out with more stops than starts. She will resist, then crawl into my arms and we snuggle. Last night, we did that and she almost fell asleep. I ended up just putting her to bed. Today we will do it early since we don't have any appts. She is having such a hard time with perceived rejection. She is putting herslef out there to be loved, and when someone can't be with her, she is devastated. One of my daughter's friends is visiting and she really likes her. Yesterday she wanted to hug her, but she had just come back from a bike ride and was all sweaty. She said no and it sent S into a tailspin. She felt so badly that she was rejected. I explained the situation to the friend and she hugged her anyway. Also yesterday, she wanted to stay in the bathroom with me and I said no. She ran out screaming, "I don't need a mommy!" She is having such a hard time with feeling rejected. It is so hard to know what will hurt her, I've been trying to think about everything before I say it. I am trying to eliminate "No" from my responses to her. I re-phrase it and it has been very helpful. Never in a million years did I think she could possibly feel rejected by the word no. I never thought I would need to tell her she would live with us forever, that I would love her no matter what she did, and that she was safe with me. Why would she feel any other way? Because she experienced early neglect and the loss of the only caretaker she knew. The effects of that are something that traditional parenting doesn't take care of on it's own.

Another Sick Day

My poor little one is sick again today with a fever so we aren't going to get anything done. I was thinking back on our journey and realize so many things I worried about are no longer an issue. It gives me hope that all will be resolved with time.